When you share an office with 15 other people, weird shit is bound to pop up sooner or later. What kind of weird shit, you ask? You know — the kind that motivates you to diagram out your workspace (specifically, where you could crouch and hide should someone show up on Monday wearing Wonder Woman Underoos and an uzi).
Well, not even three months into my new gig, and I’ve already found myself reaching for the graph paper.
Let’s see, there’s the woman who performs this ritualistic series of sighing, sniffing and throat-clearing whenever she enters the bathroom. The cadence is so rhythmic, so measured, I fully expect to peer out of the stall cracks to see her performing a step show. Then there’s the HR person who thinks nothing of yelling over 10 cubicles to ask when, if ever, you plan on donating to United Way. And who could forget our crazy-ass admin. Her collection of dead plant stalks scattered all around the office in neglected pots has convinced me that she must be cultivating organic kindling for some sort of satanic pyre.
But by far, the most disturbing thing I’ve come across is the pop can scatterer. She leaves a trail of empty Diet Coke cans all over the office — and in the strangest places. I’ve seen them by the printer and on the department bookshelf. Before I knew what was up, I would collect the cans and put them in office recycling. Then one day, I found her tail up, digging to reclaim her kill and place them back in their respective spots. Turns out she likes to leave them in highly-visible places, so she won’t forget to take them home at night (and she does forget — like for weeks on end).
We’re all thinking it, so let’s just say it. All together now — WHAT THE FUCK??? Would it be possible for her to stack them on her OWN desk, or put them into a plastic bag or a drawer? Or, why doesn’t she just flatten the cans on her forehead and fling them across the office like monkey dung? No, that would be too logical. Methinks this is more about demarkation than her getting her nickel’s worth. So I say get it over with already — lift your leg and mark your territory like a woman. Or a feral cat. Whatever.