What’s this I see on the trunk of an old Grand Am in my parking ramp? A “Support Our Troops” ribbon? Or no — maybe it’s for something like gout awareness. As I inch a bit closer, I see it’s promoting nothing other than, yes, ROAD HEAD.
Actually, this isn’t the first thing I noticed about this vehicle. I’m surprised I even saw it, given his choice of air freshener, which featured two naked women pleasuring each other. Think less Playboy, and more Juggs.
Now, it’s pretty difficult to offend me. But seriously. What if untitledson had been with me when I parked next to this car? It’s not the end of the world if he sees it, I suppose. But really, I’d rather he not. Just like I’d rather he not find the vibrator in my nightside table and pretend it’s a microphone. Or a light saber. Or a magic wand.
I mean, what kind of motherless child adorns his vehicle with such pornography? Where does he hide his stash when he picks up his grandmother for church on Sunday? I’m thinking this car must belong to a 21-year old call center rep who rolls into work every morning with a Rock Star energy drink in one hand and a bean burrito in the other. A noxious cloud of cigarette smoke, vinegar-y booze stank and b.o. enters the room a full two minutes before he does. And I’m guessing he’s on a pussy hunt every night except Monday (which, if I’m not mistaken, is officially reserved for all self-respecting single dudes to return their empties, so they can stock up on Axe, Hungry Mans and the latest issue of “Maxim”).
This guy has chosen to put it all out there, so let me be so blunt. In your mad dash for poontang, there is one detail you have overlooked, my friend. Nothing repels a lady more than a blatant display of some other woman’s Brazilian. Things like pornographic air fresheners, garter belts, thongs, etc. suspended in your vehicle shout sexual depravation. After all, if you were getting it, you would have no need to have it hanging from your rear view mirror.