Hey brotha. Yeah you, with the silver truck. You’ve got style.┬ You┬ are a true renegade. You drive your shitty truck. So what if you mutherfucking spray-painted it with 23 cans of Rustoleum┬ you got on sale at Hardware Hank. And you will pimp whomever you goddamn well want to pimp, even if it is a tired old metal band from the 80s whose claim to fame is spinning double entendres that only a 13 year-old boy could love. It’s like a big fuck you to the man.
Since we’re on the subject, I’ve got to ask — did the thought ever cross your mind to simply buy a pre-made bumper sticker for $4 online? Sure, it would’ve been $5.95 in shipping and handling, but it would’ve been so much easier. I imagine you on a Sunday afternoon, browsing the mailbox letters at Home Depot. “Nope, serifs would be all wrong. Cursive letters — too wussy. Ahhh, here we go. Prison block letters. Nothing says ‘dirtbag’ like the fontless font. Fucking A.”
You scurried to the cash register and paid in nickels and dimes. Then you retreated to your mother’s driveway. She was at┬ Crazy Days, which┬ meant you’d┬ have all afternoon to measure┬ your rear┬ window and carefully place each letter — not too perfect, though, for that would communicate effort and a flair for interior spaces. That would certainly┬ warrant a bitch slap from Kevin Dubrow.┬ ┬
This here is┬ hillbilly as hell and I LOVE it. Load the guns, find me some sweat pants┬ and pour me me some Night Train. I feel a party coming on. All this makes┬ me makes me wonder… if this guy were to win the lottery, would he tear those letters out of his truck and affix them to his Escalade? Methinks he would instead get it airbrushed onto the tailgate, along with a picture of Tawny Kitaen straddling a Camaro. Fuck YEAH.