Meet Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar. In the past 18 years, they have had 16 children — Joshua, 17; John David, 15; Janna, 15; Jill, 14; Jessa, 12; Jinger, 11; Joseph, 10; Josiah, 9; Joy-Anna, 8; Jeremiah, 6; Jedidiah, 6; Jason, 5; James, 4; Justin, 2; Jackson Levi, 1; and as of last week, Johannah.
Wait — did I read that right? Jinger and Jedidiah? No need to give your kids normal names, for your homeschooling will keep them safe from the daily ass-whoopings they’d receive on any public school playground.
Now, one might look at these pictures and say, “Holy shit! Look at all those kids!” I look at these pictures and say, “Holy shit! Look at that HAIR!”
It’s unearthly. It’s unhygienic. Four horsemen be damned — it’s the seventh sign of the apocolypse. Not since witnessing the horror that is Crystal Gayle have I felt such a consuming urge to sneak into someone’s home and shear them like a Merino sheep. Small animals have become ensnarled in shrubs less knarly than this woman’s mane. Her uterus may have the resilience of a bomb shelter, but after 16 kids, it probably looks like an old catcher’s mitt. And let me be the first to say that perhaps it’s time to hang up the cleats. But a word of advice, dear Duggars, better hold on to the nut cup, as it is obvioiusly the closest you will get to birth control.
There are federal laws that mandate child-to-teacher ratios in daycares. I believe it’s 4-1 for infants and 6-1 for toddlers. These people have 16 children. With that level of parental imbalance, I can imagine that the Duggar household has seen its fair share of lightsocket licking and knife juggling.
Where oh where is Trojan Man? There are children out there that need you.
Update 3/21/2006
No matter which side of the Duggar fence you might fall, I think everyone’s had a chance to state their beliefs so I’m going to close the comments on this post. However, the beauty of having your own blog is that you get the final say. Here’s mine:
- I stand by my claim that what the Duggars are doing is harmful to their children. I saw a documentary on TLC this weekend that showed the Duggars building their own house. School, schmool. The children were enlisted to help build the house. The kids were riding around in the bucket of a loader (imagine if one would’ve fell out — the loader would’ve rolled right over them). One of the boys (who looked like he was 10 or younger) was charged with welding beams for the new house. And the kids who were old enough to hold a power drill were given their own, so they could all help out. I don’t think this is cute — I think is dangerous, and shows poor judgment on the parents’ part. In the documentary, the Duggars came across as sweet, albeit naive, people. Thinking two people can properly parent 16 children is downright delusional.
- I still think it’s environmentally unsound to have this many kids. They do 10 loads of laundry a day (and you guessed it — one of the girls who can’t be more than 12 does ALL the laundry. 10 loads a day. Tell me she has time for a normal life.).
- I LOVE being a member of the “internet scum-of-the-month club” (scroll down to the end of the post titled “MEET THE DUGGARS: THE BANE OF SECULAR HUMANISTS”). Isn’t there something in the 10 Commandents that says you’re not supposed to call people names? Sure, I do it. But I’m not hiding behind the cloak of religious indignation, either.
