Comments on: Mother of the year. http://www.untitledlife.com/2007/05/21/mother-of-the-year/ One girl's struggle to escape her fat pants. Thu, 28 Aug 2008 23:25:37 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.3.3 By: Kelli http://www.untitledlife.com/2007/05/21/mother-of-the-year/#comment-45186 Kelli Sun, 17 Jun 2007 09:49:21 +0000 http://www.untitledlife.com/2007/05/21/mother-of-the-year/#comment-45186 I stumbled upon your blog this evening (morning?) and read (with tears) the string about your mother. My mother was famous for saying things "for your own good". Things like "where did you get those jeans? they are Interesting." My daughter (my one and only child) wanted to punch her, as she thought the jeans looked great on me. Never mind that they were from Lane Bryant's and a size 22. I finally realized how often my daughter was being hurt by the comments my mother made to me. Thankfully she seldom did it to my daughter, living 1800 miles apart helped that. The moral of my story is, however, that I found a way to forgive -- never forget -- while Mom was dieing of cancer two years ago. When she decided to stop fighting the cancer I had the realization that I didn't want the bitterness to be what I remembered -- nor what my daughter remembered. Weirdly, my best friend is now going thru a similar situation. She has had an AWFUL situation with her mom and I asked her to consider finding bits and pieces of her mom that she could love -- and make those bits and pieces what she will try to focus on in the future. No, this isn't easy, but now, looking back two years after mom's death I am glad I did it. I didn't say all the things to her face that I now wish I had, but I did say some of it, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, I learned that her bitterness and nastiness wasn't about me and that she did love me. I have also learned to be more careful with how I "suggest" things to my daughter. I will NOT have her feeling she needs to "fix" things when my time clock is ready to be punched. Be strong -- do what's right for you and your boy, and what's right for your HEART in the long run. I stumbled upon your blog this evening (morning?) and read (with tears) the string about your mother. My mother was famous for saying things “for your own good”. Things like “where did you get those jeans? they are Interesting.” My daughter (my one and only child) wanted to punch her, as she thought the jeans looked great on me. Never mind that they were from Lane Bryant’s and a size 22. I finally realized how often my daughter was being hurt by the comments my mother made to me. Thankfully she seldom did it to my daughter, living 1800 miles apart helped that.

The moral of my story is, however, that I found a way to forgive — never forget — while Mom was dieing of cancer two years ago. When she decided to stop fighting the cancer I had the realization that I didn’t want the bitterness to be what I remembered — nor what my daughter remembered. Weirdly, my best friend is now going thru a similar situation. She has had an AWFUL situation with her mom and I asked her to consider finding bits and pieces of her mom that she could love — and make those bits and pieces what she will try to focus on in the future.

No, this isn’t easy, but now, looking back two years after mom’s death I am glad I did it. I didn’t say all the things to her face that I now wish I had, but I did say some of it, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, I learned that her bitterness and nastiness wasn’t about me and that she did love me. I have also learned to be more careful with how I “suggest” things to my daughter. I will NOT have her feeling she needs to “fix” things when my time clock is ready to be punched. Be strong — do what’s right for you and your boy, and what’s right for your HEART in the long run.

]]> By: akantha http://www.untitledlife.com/2007/05/21/mother-of-the-year/#comment-40607 akantha Thu, 31 May 2007 21:21:36 +0000 http://www.untitledlife.com/2007/05/21/mother-of-the-year/#comment-40607 Good going, untitled. It is remarkably freeing to finally see a parent as a person, not as a parent. We are unable to really live an adult life until we can see that parents are, many times, undeserving of the respect we give them. Many are cruel, lie, and hurt their children. Her jealousy of you, your surgery, your success, is typical of this type of parent. I can't knock her, really, for deep in my heart I feel you are lucky to have a parent alive, I do not, yet I also know that, in my life, nothing got better for me until I pretty much eliminated my entire family from my life. I have a rule now: I don't care what your title is (brother, sister, mother), if you act like shit and treat me like shit, you are out of my life. Those are hard choices to make, but no one said being an adult was easy. And I have been rewarded with a life mostly free of toxicity, even though I am admittedly a long way from having anything close to a perfect life. One day at a time, as they say. But I don't extend any extra credit to anyone, by virtue of being a relative, than I would to a total stranger. I expect civility, and consideration from all that I am with. I don't always get it. People are people, and can be asses. But then I can make a choice to cut them slack or cut them out. My choice. My environment. My claim, as little as it is, on my own power. Good going, untitled. It is remarkably freeing to finally see a parent as a person, not as a parent. We are unable to really live an adult life until we can see that parents are, many times, undeserving of the respect we give them. Many are cruel, lie, and hurt their children. Her jealousy of you, your surgery, your success, is typical of this type of parent. I can’t knock her, really, for deep in my heart I feel you are lucky to have a parent alive, I do not, yet I also know that, in my life, nothing got better for me until I pretty much eliminated my entire family from my life. I have a rule now: I don’t care what your title is (brother, sister, mother), if you act like shit and treat me like shit, you are out of my life. Those are hard choices to make, but no one said being an adult was easy. And I have been rewarded with a life mostly free of toxicity, even though I am admittedly a long way from having anything close to a perfect life. One day at a time, as they say. But I don’t extend any extra credit to anyone, by virtue of being a relative, than I would to a total stranger. I expect civility, and consideration from all that I am with. I don’t always get it. People are people, and can be asses. But then I can make a choice to cut them slack or cut them out. My choice. My environment. My claim, as little as it is, on my own power.

]]> By: untitled http://www.untitledlife.com/2007/05/21/mother-of-the-year/#comment-40586 untitled Thu, 31 May 2007 18:21:43 +0000 http://www.untitledlife.com/2007/05/21/mother-of-the-year/#comment-40586 akantha, you spit the truth. I made the mistake of trusting untitledmother twice. I won't do that again. After some thought, I do believe that subconsciously, she wanted to tell, for she is a jealous person. This was her way of tearing me down a few pegs. God, if she only knew about all the other problems in my life, she'd feel like shit for doing what she has done. But in her eyes, I'm rich (yeah right), so my life MUST be perfect. katherine, I do believe untitledmother is a narcissist. I've never placed this title on her -- I didn't know there was a name for who and what she is. But upon your suggestion, I do believe the narcissist shirt fits (in fact, she probably bought it this weekend and wore it out of the store). She has never taken responsibility for any of her mistakes, which in turn, perpetuates more mistakes (and more opportunities for me to look at her and say "what the FUCK, woman!"). She now wants to have this surgery herself. In her mandatory psych evaluation, the doc told her that after surgery, she will probably build upon her current shopping addiction. She, of course, was shocked (but not shocked enough to unload all the full shopping bags from her car trunk). And yes -- she exhibits all of those characteristics. I've even caught her lying about an outfit she bought for untitledson. She claimed she bought it at a fancy department store, but it was the "Faded Glory" label (which we all know is a Wal-Mart brand). I certainly don't care where she got the outfit (for it is ugly and I never put it on him anyway), but I find it interesting that she would lie about something so trivial. She does, however, buy all of HER outfits at expensive stores. It pains her to spend money on other people, or do nice things for other people. She is the queen of tearing other people apart (in regards to their hair, clothes, size or whatever). It's so funny, cause, physically (and I suppose mentally), she is such a troll of a woman. There's this look she gives to people -- all people -- in which she looks them up and down with her eyes a few times, mouth agape. It's embarassing to be with her, because it's so crass and rude. It's the kind of behavior you'd expect from an ill-mannered six year-old. I have to release all my hatred and anger towards untitledmother. I do not want to hold on to this bag full of rage. It will consume me. That's why I forgave her (not her actions, but her). I see her as chronically flawed -- unable to improve. And for that, she has my pity. I can no longer be surprised or outraged by her actions. She is what she is, as they say. akantha, you spit the truth. I made the mistake of trusting untitledmother twice. I won’t do that again. After some thought, I do believe that subconsciously, she wanted to tell, for she is a jealous person. This was her way of tearing me down a few pegs. God, if she only knew about all the other problems in my life, she’d feel like shit for doing what she has done. But in her eyes, I’m rich (yeah right), so my life MUST be perfect.

katherine, I do believe untitledmother is a narcissist. I’ve never placed this title on her — I didn’t know there was a name for who and what she is. But upon your suggestion, I do believe the narcissist shirt fits (in fact, she probably bought it this weekend and wore it out of the store). She has never taken responsibility for any of her mistakes, which in turn, perpetuates more mistakes (and more opportunities for me to look at her and say “what the FUCK, woman!”).

She now wants to have this surgery herself. In her mandatory psych evaluation, the doc told her that after surgery, she will probably build upon her current shopping addiction. She, of course, was shocked (but not shocked enough to unload all the full shopping bags from her car trunk). And yes — she exhibits all of those characteristics. I’ve even caught her lying about an outfit she bought for untitledson. She claimed she bought it at a fancy department store, but it was the “Faded Glory” label (which we all know is a Wal-Mart brand).

I certainly don’t care where she got the outfit (for it is ugly and I never put it on him anyway), but I find it interesting that she would lie about something so trivial. She does, however, buy all of HER outfits at expensive stores. It pains her to spend money on other people, or do nice things for other people.

She is the queen of tearing other people apart (in regards to their hair, clothes, size or whatever). It’s so funny, cause, physically (and I suppose mentally), she is such a troll of a woman. There’s this look she gives to people — all people — in which she looks them up and down with her eyes a few times, mouth agape. It’s embarassing to be with her, because it’s so crass and rude. It’s the kind of behavior you’d expect from an ill-mannered six year-old.

I have to release all my hatred and anger towards untitledmother. I do not want to hold on to this bag full of rage. It will consume me. That’s why I forgave her (not her actions, but her). I see her as chronically flawed — unable to improve. And for that, she has my pity. I can no longer be surprised or outraged by her actions. She is what she is, as they say.

]]> By: katherine http://www.untitledlife.com/2007/05/21/mother-of-the-year/#comment-40465 katherine Thu, 31 May 2007 04:27:48 +0000 http://www.untitledlife.com/2007/05/21/mother-of-the-year/#comment-40465 Have you ever read "People of the Lie"? It's by a Christian author and has references to faith, but it is predominantly about the condition known as narcissism. My mother suffers from it (or rather, WE all suffer because she has it), and I believe that your mother does, too. I guarantee you that if you pick up the book and read about the "evil" that is narcissism, you will be amazed that someone has nailed every aspect of her personality that exists. It is interesting, and yet very sad, because the very nature of narcissists makes it impossible to cure them. They don't take responsibility for anything, they don't think there's anything wrong with them, they tear others down to make themselves look and feel better, they lie compulsively, and they will NOT go to therapy -- and if they do, they end up calling the psychiatrist a quack for trying to diagnose them as anything. You really should read the book. Fascinating stuff. Have you ever read “People of the Lie”? It’s by a Christian author and has references to faith, but it is predominantly about the condition known as narcissism. My mother suffers from it (or rather, WE all suffer because she has it), and I believe that your mother does, too. I guarantee you that if you pick up the book and read about the “evil” that is narcissism, you will be amazed that someone has nailed every aspect of her personality that exists. It is interesting, and yet very sad, because the very nature of narcissists makes it impossible to cure them. They don’t take responsibility for anything, they don’t think there’s anything wrong with them, they tear others down to make themselves look and feel better, they lie compulsively, and they will NOT go to therapy — and if they do, they end up calling the psychiatrist a quack for trying to diagnose them as anything. You really should read the book. Fascinating stuff.

]]> By: akantha http://www.untitledlife.com/2007/05/21/mother-of-the-year/#comment-40233 akantha Tue, 29 May 2007 21:57:46 +0000 http://www.untitledlife.com/2007/05/21/mother-of-the-year/#comment-40233 I have told no one about my surgery other than my fiance. Why? I think that there is the impression that weight loss surgery is the "easy" way out. It, particularly with me, was not. I chose to keep my medical information to myself, and will continue to do so. No one needs to know. And I can understand the feeling of fear before, thinking that you need to let someone else know, but why is that? Your hubby knew, and if anything had happened, he could handle things. Or you could have chosen to just say you were going in for surgery, and left the details out of it. But I am a bit surprised that you would be surprised that she would tell, particularly someone you did not want to know. Listen, this may be harsh, but I think you knew she would tell, and you knew who she would tell, and you trusted a person who had proved in the past to be untrustworthy. So what was the surprise? You have had lifechanging surgery. In the future, all your choices will need examination. We did not get fat by eating too much. It is more complicated than that. Everything is a choice. And we have to make better choices for ourselves. If someone walks up and shits in the punchbowl, do you invite them back to the next party? You are, in this life, only who you surround yourself by. I have told no one about my surgery other than my fiance. Why? I think that there is the impression that weight loss surgery is the “easy” way out. It, particularly with me, was not. I chose to keep my medical information to myself, and will continue to do so. No one needs to know. And I can understand the feeling of fear before, thinking that you need to let someone else know, but why is that? Your hubby knew, and if anything had happened, he could handle things. Or you could have chosen to just say you were going in for surgery, and left the details out of it. But I am a bit surprised that you would be surprised that she would tell, particularly someone you did not want to know. Listen, this may be harsh, but I think you knew she would tell, and you knew who she would tell, and you trusted a person who had proved in the past to be untrustworthy. So what was the surprise? You have had lifechanging surgery. In the future, all your choices will need examination. We did not get fat by eating too much. It is more complicated than that. Everything is a choice. And we have to make better choices for ourselves. If someone walks up and shits in the punchbowl, do you invite them back to the next party? You are, in this life, only who you surround yourself by.

]]> By: witchy http://www.untitledlife.com/2007/05/21/mother-of-the-year/#comment-39246 witchy Wed, 23 May 2007 20:20:44 +0000 http://www.untitledlife.com/2007/05/21/mother-of-the-year/#comment-39246 First off, welcome back! I sure missed you. Second, it is what it is. This is the hand you are dealt, and some mothers never get beyond their self-involvement. What you have to do is to recognize that she is not going to meet your needs in the way that you want. What is really going to be hard is recognizing the bits about you (maybe your laugh, your looks, whatever) that are pretty much an indication, that, golly, you are her daughter. You can resolve to do better, but the genetic material is a given. I used to make fun of my mom about stuff that I now find myself doing, things like grunting with stiffness when she got up in the night to whiz. Then I found I was doing the same.I am sure she is cackling about that from the great beyond! She sure wasn't June Cleaver, but in her strange way, she loved me, and as I matured, that was okay with me. And hell, I sure miss her. First off, welcome back! I sure missed you.
Second, it is what it is.
This is the hand you are dealt, and some mothers never get beyond their self-involvement. What you have to do is to recognize that she is not going to meet your needs in the way that you want.
What is really going to be hard is recognizing the bits about you (maybe your laugh, your looks, whatever) that are pretty much an indication, that, golly, you are her daughter.
You can resolve to do better, but the genetic material is a given.

I used to make fun of my mom about stuff that I now find myself doing, things like grunting with stiffness when she got up in the night to whiz. Then I found I was doing the same.I am sure she is cackling about that from the great beyond!
She sure wasn’t June Cleaver, but in her strange way, she loved me, and as I matured, that was okay with me.
And hell, I sure miss her.

]]> By: untitled http://www.untitledlife.com/2007/05/21/mother-of-the-year/#comment-39231 untitled Wed, 23 May 2007 18:30:10 +0000 http://www.untitledlife.com/2007/05/21/mother-of-the-year/#comment-39231 Update -- untitledmother called the other night. We were on our way out for untitledson's soccer game, so we let it ring. She left a message saying, "I guess you really DON'T want to talk to me. I'm sorry you feel that way." I called her back later and said, "Ummm, Monday is soccer night. We were out when you called." Jeesh. We did have a long talk. Turns out, she has been sick over this issue since it happened. I think she's the type that freezes when she does something bad (not unlike other minimally-evolved creatures that lack necks and spines). I told her if it truly was a mistake, I couldn't be upset over it -- I just wanted to make sure she understood the gravity and how it affected me. I also wanted to make sure she felt duly bad about it. She isn't the brightest bulb, and she often speaks before thinking. I got the impression that she truly did not mean to tell. Nevertheless, I will never share anything confidential with her again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I won't tell her secret, either. I do believe that the only road is the high road. It's the only one that will allow me to walk away from her, should I so choose. A few other things have transpired lately that have tested my mettle as a human being. I have found that I am strong and forgiving. I have amazing fortitude under times of duress. I'm not saying this as a matter of self-appreciation. These are just the qualities that I was dealt. I am a fighter and will survive, if not thrive, no matter what life throws my way (as long as it's not a worm or snake, cause I am terrified of things lacking limbs). Update — untitledmother called the other night. We were on our way out for untitledson’s soccer game, so we let it ring. She left a message saying, “I guess you really DON’T want to talk to me. I’m sorry you feel that way.” I called her back later and said, “Ummm, Monday is soccer night. We were out when you called.” Jeesh.

We did have a long talk. Turns out, she has been sick over this issue since it happened. I think she’s the type that freezes when she does something bad (not unlike other minimally-evolved creatures that lack necks and spines). I told her if it truly was a mistake, I couldn’t be upset over it — I just wanted to make sure she understood the gravity and how it affected me. I also wanted to make sure she felt duly bad about it. She isn’t the brightest bulb, and she often speaks before thinking. I got the impression that she truly did not mean to tell.

Nevertheless, I will never share anything confidential with her again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I won’t tell her secret, either. I do believe that the only road is the high road. It’s the only one that will allow me to walk away from her, should I so choose.

A few other things have transpired lately that have tested my mettle as a human being. I have found that I am strong and forgiving. I have amazing fortitude under times of duress. I’m not saying this as a matter of self-appreciation. These are just the qualities that I was dealt. I am a fighter and will survive, if not thrive, no matter what life throws my way (as long as it’s not a worm or snake, cause I am terrified of things lacking limbs).

]]> By: piglet http://www.untitledlife.com/2007/05/21/mother-of-the-year/#comment-39109 piglet Wed, 23 May 2007 06:15:59 +0000 http://www.untitledlife.com/2007/05/21/mother-of-the-year/#comment-39109 wow. i'll tell you what my therapist would say. what made you think that this time she'd be different? (still speaking from my therapists words)she can't be what you want her to be, and most likely never will. that's painful as hell, but it's reality. i think you should say your piece about it, letting her know that you are not happy with what she did and then leave it at that. or you could try poisoning her little by little on each visit :) wow. i’ll tell you what my therapist would say. what made you think that this time she’d be different? (still speaking from my therapists words)she can’t be what you want her to be, and most likely never will. that’s painful as hell, but it’s reality.

i think you should say your piece about it, letting her know that you are not happy with what she did and then leave it at that.

or you could try poisoning her little by little on each visit :)

]]> By: marci lambert http://www.untitledlife.com/2007/05/21/mother-of-the-year/#comment-39016 marci lambert Tue, 22 May 2007 18:42:04 +0000 http://www.untitledlife.com/2007/05/21/mother-of-the-year/#comment-39016 dang. first, sorry about all this. your mother should at least have your back, especially when you've made it so clear. but i've come to the realization that parents of people our age (i'm making an assumption we are roughly in the same category) are not the greatest generation (like their parents). they are the "most-selfish" generation. every damn baby boomer grandparent i know is more selfish than the next. everything has to freakin' revolve around them. i'm supposed to haul my four family members 1000 miles to see my mom because she doesn't like to travel. i'm supposed to let me kids stay with the in-laws who have cigarettes, guns and dogs in their house, even though at least one of my kids has asthma. another friend had a huge fight with her in-laws because they wouldn't agree to keep their dog away from the grandchild when she stayed there. this is their only grandchild, but they can't make any accomodation from their regular routine. another grandma laments that her daughter doesn't dress her kids in smocked dresses and giant hairbows, because that's her ideal of the perfect seen-not-heard child. so, you're not alone. untitled mother is just totally selfish and self-absorbed and you will never change it. accept the fact that she will never be the mom you want her to be and move in. be cordial. don't reveal anything you don't want published on Gawker. let untitled son see her -- the dynamic between them will be different than the one between you two. don't reveal the secret. be better than that. it will come out anyway. you'll be okay. dang.

first, sorry about all this. your mother should at least have your back, especially when you’ve made it so clear. but i’ve come to the realization that parents of people our age (i’m making an assumption we are roughly in the same category) are not the greatest generation (like their parents). they are the “most-selfish” generation.

every damn baby boomer grandparent i know is more selfish than the next. everything has to freakin’ revolve around them. i’m supposed to haul my four family members 1000 miles to see my mom because she doesn’t like to travel. i’m supposed to let me kids stay with the in-laws who have cigarettes, guns and dogs in their house, even though at least one of my kids has asthma. another friend had a huge fight with her in-laws because they wouldn’t agree to keep their dog away from the grandchild when she stayed there. this is their only grandchild, but they can’t make any accomodation from their regular routine. another grandma laments that her daughter doesn’t dress her kids in smocked dresses and giant hairbows, because that’s her ideal of the perfect seen-not-heard child.

so, you’re not alone. untitled mother is just totally selfish and self-absorbed and you will never change it. accept the fact that she will never be the mom you want her to be and move in. be cordial. don’t reveal anything you don’t want published on Gawker. let untitled son see her — the dynamic between them will be different than the one between you two. don’t reveal the secret. be better than that. it will come out anyway.

you’ll be okay.

]]> By: kim http://www.untitledlife.com/2007/05/21/mother-of-the-year/#comment-39010 kim Tue, 22 May 2007 17:50:39 +0000 http://www.untitledlife.com/2007/05/21/mother-of-the-year/#comment-39010 Yup, third Susan's comments. I wanted to say the same thing but she said it better. I have all but cut my mom out of my family's life. She is a martyer and narcisist (sp? and can those two actually go together?). She blamed herself, her sins, when MY daughter was stillborn. *I* had to comfort *HER* when I was burying my full-term dead daughter. My kids know she is my mother but see her very little even though she works less than a mile away from our home. She is no role model for me or them. I had to find my own "adoptive" moms over the years and will find suitable grandparents for my kids through church and other activities! You can do the same. Oh, and don't tell. It will come out. A family member's son was raised as her brother and her kids found out when alcohol induced liver disease killed him years later. It always comes out somehow. You will have been the better person for keeping her secret. Yup, third Susan’s comments. I wanted to say the same thing but she said it better. I have all but cut my mom out of my family’s life. She is a martyer and narcisist (sp? and can those two actually go together?). She blamed herself, her sins, when MY daughter was stillborn. *I* had to comfort *HER* when I was burying my full-term dead daughter.

My kids know she is my mother but see her very little even though she works less than a mile away from our home. She is no role model for me or them. I had to find my own “adoptive” moms over the years and will find suitable grandparents for my kids through church and other activities! You can do the same.

Oh, and don’t tell. It will come out. A family member’s son was raised as her brother and her kids found out when alcohol induced liver disease killed him years later. It always comes out somehow. You will have been the better person for keeping her secret.

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