I think we’re long overdue for a flaming post about untitledmother. She makes it so easy, continually providing material for me. How thoughtful of her. This past week, she did something that was by far the most hurtful and infuriating thing she has ever done.
For an entire year before I had my weight loss surgery, I contemplated whether or not I should tell her about it. She is notorious for not being able to keep a secret. Not sure whether it’s due to laziness, vindictiveness or stupidity (methinks it’s a combination). I don’t tell her a whole lot anymore, for I clearly remember when she told everyone I was pregnant with untitledson – AFTER I told her not to tell (it was five weeks out, and I had just fallen down a flight of stairs and as a result, had to have ankle surgery). I told her not to tell anyone – I just wasn’t ready to share, and it was quite risky, given what I had just gone through. Of course, she told. Fucking whore. I mean, is nothing sacred?
So this time around, I thought for an entire year about whether I should share my weight loss surgery with her. For 11.5 months, I decided that no, she should not know. She is not to be trusted. As surgery neared, I thought, “What if something happens to me? She needs to know. What kind of child would not tell her mother that she was about to undergo major surgery?” I also thought how heartbroken I’d be if my own child could not trust me with such news. If untitledson had kept this from me, wouldn’t that mean that I had pretty much failed as a mother? I think so.
So I took a leap of faith. I put my balls in the blender. But first, I swore her to secrecy. I must’ve prepped her for 10 minutes before telling her. “You must, under NO circumstances, EVER share this with anyone. ANYONE. Especially vindictive and jealous untitledsister-in-law. If you ever do tell, know that I will confiscate all those bottles of unused fat burning pills of yours – the ones you spent my college fund on – crush them and make you snort them like Keith Richards at his father’s funeral. Do you understand? DO. YOU. UNDERSTAND?”
She said yes, of course. OF COURSE SHE COULD KEEP A SECRET. Then I told her what I had told only five other people in my life (untitledhusband, boss, untitledmother-in-law, and untitledbrother-in-law and wife). These other people, I trust completely. Every conversation about the surgery since then, I have told her, “Remember, you cannot tell anyone. Even if they wedge your maxed-out credit cards under your toenails.” Yes yes, she assured me. She would under no circumstances tell.
So here we are, three months later. And guess what – she has told. Not just anyone – untitledsister-in-law. The one person who most did not need to know. She left me a voicemail about it on Mother’s Day (after I had traveled home for the weekend, given her a gift, and paid for her lunch, no less). “I screwed up! I told her about your surgery. It just slipped!” Notice there was no apology in there.
I’ve spent the last week thinking about how I want to deal with this. I have not talked to her yet (we normally talk at least every other day). I am upset that she told, but I am more upset that she has showed zero contrition for her actions. No apology note. No flowers. Nothing.
What kind of mother does this to her child? She knew how serious this was to me. How do you let something like that just slip? She said it came up in conversation.
untitledmother: “Oh, I saw her last weekend. She looks so good.”
untitledsister-in-law: “What do you mean, she looks good?”
untitledmother: “Oh, you know, she had the SURGERY.”
I feel so completely betrayed. I cannot trust untitledmother with anything, whether it’s a secret, watching untitledson for the day or bringing a dish to pass at untitled-mother-in-law’s holiday potluck (that’s right, she just shows up to eat). A true class act. At every turn, she disappoints. In lieu of helping us unpack after the move, she gave me a jar of jelly and a jar of salsa. I had to literally beg for her to work with untitledsister-in-law to give me a baby shower (first child, and probably only child for me, no less). Imagine having to beg for your own first and only baby shower. The only reason I haven’t cut ties to her is that I would never do that to untitledson. He needs to know his grandmother, even if she is a louse.
I suppose she is waiting for me to call, thinking, “Oh, she’s probably mad about this, too. She’s always overreacting.” I don’t think I am. I mean, I just want my mother to have my back every once in a while. I need to know she’s still looking out for me – and not just to find me so she can stab me. I know for sure that I will never tell her anything again. I don’t plan on calling her so often, if at all, anymore. I thought about telling HER dark secret – that she has a son she adopted out before my brother and I were born (my brother does not know). Do you have any thoughts on how I should handle this?
You are fabulous. You deserve so much more than your mother gives. You know she is a shit, so let her be a shit and treat her as such. Shield your child as much as you can. It won’t take long before he realizes what she is about on his own.
Your blog is my favorite! Keep up the great work, and congrats on the weight loss!
Your mom is a jerk but that doesn’t have anything to do with the way you act. You still have to be the best person you can be, regardless of her actions. I don’t mean that everything should be rosy between you. I just mean I don’t think you should go out of your way to do her harm, while protecting yourself as best you can from further jerkitude.
I know no one may ever notice, but do try to take the high road. Like you said, you don’t cut ties because you want your son to know her. You’ll be setting a good example by doing that. Not to mention, it always seems that -suddenly- when you respond in kind to someone’s actions, you end up being the bad guy and you don’t deserve that. I have found with my foul maternal family, I keep my distance and keep the visits short. And in that way, I also avoid giving them anything much to talk about-other than my growing butt. (I have a heft weight problem myself and have been telling myself I can lose it on my own for a while now though after reading your blog am beginning to wonder about surgery too).
Thanks for sharing and try not to let her know how much her actions hurt!
I think untitled mother and my mother were separated at birth! I have so many instances that make me totally understand your situation. I handle things like a poor sap and just continue to let my mother trounce my whole self-worth, especially about my weight. However, my brother has taken the silent treatment to a new level and rarely if ever calls my mother. My experience is…No matter how much you tell her she has hurt you, she won’t see it. She will look at it like an absurd overreaction to nothing. The best way to handle things is distance and silence. Don’t use your son as a pawn, that will only make her worse. Talk to her as needed, but make damn sure she has no more ammo to blow you away with.
You are an inspiration to me. Keep up the good work.
I just recently realized that my mother is never going to be the mother/grandmother I wish she would be. Now I’m working on accepting it and teaching myself not to expect too much from her. She is never going to change.
It doesn’t stop me from being disappointed though. I still wish I had a “real mom.”
Only have as much of a relationship with her as works for you. There is no reason to speak with your mother frequently or share your secrets with her if she cannot behave like an adult. Start the process of letting go today and just ease yourself out of the parts of the relationship that do not work for you. You can still keep a little bit of contact with her if it works for you.
Just take it slowly and see how you feel about having her in your life a little less each day until you feel good about your relationship. And if you still feel conflicted ask yourself what advice you would give your best friend or untitled son if they were in a similar situation. You wouldn’t expect your son to endure near daily contact with someone as emotionally draining as your mom would you?
Congratulations with all the success you are having post surgery. I love reading your blog. It’s in my rss feed, so I look for your posts every single day. I would be proud to have a daughter like you. Your mom probably has no idea how lucky she is to have you.
Your Mom is definitely a douche, BUT YOU AREN’T! You will make the good choice, and as painful, and seemingly unsatisfying as it is, you will be glad you took the highground. And you know what, you allready got your Mom anyways. You have a beautiful house, a wonderful husband, and a kid who will grow up adoring you, because you will be the mother you always wished you had.
I don’t know if this will work, because I am usually firewalled from blog comments at work, but I’m going to try.
First of all, congrats on all of your weight loss — that’s great.
Second of all, the one thing you must never, ever give untitled mother is the benefit of the doubt. She cannot be trusted, and when you do this, you’re projecting your wished behavior on her, not the behavior she has historically given you and will continue to give you. As much as we wish for someone to step up to the plate and be what she should be by definition, we can’t force it to happen. She has not apologized because she doesn’t see that she has done anything wrong. During an argument between my mother and me about 13 years ago, she went into her martyr routine of she guessed she must have just been (long-suffering sigh inserted here) a TERRIBLE mother based on all the mistakes she made when we were growing up. I stood nose-to-nose and toes-to-toes with her and told her point blank, “I do NOT hold you accountable for whatever perceived mistakes you made with us during our childhood, because I assume you did the best you could with what you had and never did anything that would deliberately hurt us, but…what I DO hold you accountable for is when I tell you that you are doing something that hurts me (insert 80-decible volume increase here) AND YOU KEEP DOING IT!!!!” We had a terrible next few years while I fought to reclaim my rights as an adult and a human being and made it clear to her and the rest of the family that they either treat me with respect or they don’t get to treat me…PERIOD, non-negotiable. After two years of not seeing me and not hearing from me for most of that time, I finally agreed to see them — I had dinner with my folks at a Red Lobster near where they lived. That way, it was on MY terms, on neutral turf, and if they so much as looked at me cross-eyed, I made it clear that I was OUT OF THERE post haste, most likely forever. I’m happy to report that it didn’t come to that, and things have changed drastically, for the better. We still have our moments, but nothing like it used to be.
You deserve better — insist on it.
You know, I have to agree with some posters who say that you should be the bigger person, and not tell her secret.
But the bitch in me says tell her secret, she’s done nothing but be a fucktard when it comes to tell yours, so tell hers, and enjoy every minute of it.
Well, look at it this way…You’ve already told all of US her secret (Again, making me wonder about our parallel lives, as I have a half-sister I found out about when I was 30), so let that go because there is no way to one-up her; you never can…she will always win at the Hurtful Game. Be the better person, not the better doormat.
You are definitely a better woman than I with regard to untitledson; my own children haven’t seen their grandmother in 6 years…her loss is the way I look at it. My mother was abusive and jealous my entire life and it wasn’t until I was 34 that I could say “no more”. Although I regret not having her in my life (we all want our moms, don’t we?), I have a wonderful stepmom who takes care of the job. She and my dad didn’t marry until I was an adult and she can be a bit of a pill, but she is the closest thing I’ve got to a mom and the best grandparent my children have.
I just had to reply to this. I continue to keep seeing my family for the same reason that you do. I just can’t take away having grandparents from my children. I wouldn’t tell her secret, but I would tell her in no uncertain terms that you’ve had it and you’re done. Just done. It’s hard, but you have to train yourself to treat her like a stranger. Talk about the weather or whatever people make small talk about, but absolutely nothing important. I tell my mother NOTHING. Actually, I never call her. She calls me from time to time, but that’s it. I tell her that we’re all fine, doing well and that’s it. I never tell her more than that because she will tell anything and everything to everyone. You have to protect yourself. There is no reason to continue to give someone the opportunity to hurt you.
As good as it would feel, telling wouldn’t make you feel better. And I think the best thing you can do is distance yourself. Not cut her off completely, but plenty of distance. That’s how my mother and I are: acquaintances, sadly.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s rough knowing the person who *should* be there for you, just isn’t.
Man I SO know how your feeling. Some of those very same things have happened to me. MY mom, during a breakup with my ex, told him that I left him so I could sleep with other people where I was moving too. Until that point my ex and I were friendly and he was going to help me out. She then proceeds to ignore ME like I did something wrong! What kind of mother does that to her own child. Now she’s making up for it slowly, but like another lady on here I completely cut myself off from her. I just couldn’t handle it.
I had a shitty baby shower as well and it will probably be my only one. I hate that. I hate reading and seeing pictures of great showers knowing I basically had to plan my own.
I can’t say I know exactly how you must have felt, and feeling at the moment. But just wanted you to know that my maternal grandma is also like that — my aunts call her the “loudspeakers”.
She will broadcast anything and everything (including how much her daughters give her every month) whenever she goes to the wet market (which is on a daily basis!!). Overtime, my Mum and aunts stopped telling her important matters, and only told her the good news (e.g. pregnancy, marriages, etc.).
Anyway, I’m sorry about what you have to go through *hugs*
I would be inclined to tell the secret. Let it slip out at a family function. Or at the least, hold it over her head. That is what I would be INCLINED to do.
But I wouldn’t. And here’s why.
You’re at a point where you see what is wrong in her behavior. You recognize it, understand it is wrong, and condemn it. So you need to take what you’ve learned and apply it. If you fall into the habit of little things like that, you end up not being able to climb back up.
I would say address the situation, though I know that probably would not work with her. But you could still try to better things, and at the end, you will have done the exact opposite as what your mother would have done in this same situation. Basically, something good.
Longtime lurker here, finally poking my head out of my shell.
I had to cut my mother out of my life. Different reasons, but ultimately the same feelings of frustration and of being constantly ticked off at being used and treated like crap. I tried to avoid it for the same reason you do - so my daughter could have her Nonna - but ultimately I realized I wasn’t doing my daughter any favors. My mother would have role-modeled the worst possible behavior to my daughter. My daughter would have seen me accepting crap that I would never otherwise take, and would grow up thinking that the proper role of a daughter is a doormat. I couldn’t model that dysfunctional parent-child relationship to my daughter, or somewhere down the line, face her asking why I allowed that to go on for so long. It was very painful cutting it off, but I really do feel freer now. Freer, more joyful, and less stressed. It was the one thing I’ve done as an adult that most truly evidences that I’ve come to respect myself and to value my own health and sanity instead of always always always putting others first.
If you need to let your mother go, if you can’t stand the poison she injects into your life, if you can’t handle any more disappointments or excuses, then let her go. Believe me, she’ll be over it in ten minutes or less. Your son can always look her up later, if it’s that important to him. You deserve better than to let your son have an image of you as someone who accepts being treated like crap. Seriously, how is having that woman in his life any kind of a positive for your son?
I agree with Susan D. above. I can’t imaging what benefit your son will reap from any interaction with your mother except to learn that you will tolerate all kinds of crap and do nothing to protect yourself from it. Eventually, and this is the scariest part, you son will be a teenager! He will try to treat you like crap even without your mother showing him how.
Son has another most-excellent grandma, she’s a keeper. (who folds your undies)
Good luck in whatever you decide.
Yup, third Susan’s comments. I wanted to say the same thing but she said it better. I have all but cut my mom out of my family’s life. She is a martyer and narcisist (sp? and can those two actually go together?). She blamed herself, her sins, when MY daughter was stillborn. *I* had to comfort *HER* when I was burying my full-term dead daughter.
My kids know she is my mother but see her very little even though she works less than a mile away from our home. She is no role model for me or them. I had to find my own “adoptive” moms over the years and will find suitable grandparents for my kids through church and other activities! You can do the same.
Oh, and don’t tell. It will come out. A family member’s son was raised as her brother and her kids found out when alcohol induced liver disease killed him years later. It always comes out somehow. You will have been the better person for keeping her secret.
dang.
first, sorry about all this. your mother should at least have your back, especially when you’ve made it so clear. but i’ve come to the realization that parents of people our age (i’m making an assumption we are roughly in the same category) are not the greatest generation (like their parents). they are the “most-selfish” generation.
every damn baby boomer grandparent i know is more selfish than the next. everything has to freakin’ revolve around them. i’m supposed to haul my four family members 1000 miles to see my mom because she doesn’t like to travel. i’m supposed to let me kids stay with the in-laws who have cigarettes, guns and dogs in their house, even though at least one of my kids has asthma. another friend had a huge fight with her in-laws because they wouldn’t agree to keep their dog away from the grandchild when she stayed there. this is their only grandchild, but they can’t make any accomodation from their regular routine. another grandma laments that her daughter doesn’t dress her kids in smocked dresses and giant hairbows, because that’s her ideal of the perfect seen-not-heard child.
so, you’re not alone. untitled mother is just totally selfish and self-absorbed and you will never change it. accept the fact that she will never be the mom you want her to be and move in. be cordial. don’t reveal anything you don’t want published on Gawker. let untitled son see her — the dynamic between them will be different than the one between you two. don’t reveal the secret. be better than that. it will come out anyway.
you’ll be okay.
wow. i’ll tell you what my therapist would say. what made you think that this time she’d be different? (still speaking from my therapists words)she can’t be what you want her to be, and most likely never will. that’s painful as hell, but it’s reality.
i think you should say your piece about it, letting her know that you are not happy with what she did and then leave it at that.
or you could try poisoning her little by little on each visit
Update — untitledmother called the other night. We were on our way out for untitledson’s soccer game, so we let it ring. She left a message saying, “I guess you really DON’T want to talk to me. I’m sorry you feel that way.” I called her back later and said, “Ummm, Monday is soccer night. We were out when you called.” Jeesh.
We did have a long talk. Turns out, she has been sick over this issue since it happened. I think she’s the type that freezes when she does something bad (not unlike other minimally-evolved creatures that lack necks and spines). I told her if it truly was a mistake, I couldn’t be upset over it — I just wanted to make sure she understood the gravity and how it affected me. I also wanted to make sure she felt duly bad about it. She isn’t the brightest bulb, and she often speaks before thinking. I got the impression that she truly did not mean to tell.
Nevertheless, I will never share anything confidential with her again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I won’t tell her secret, either. I do believe that the only road is the high road. It’s the only one that will allow me to walk away from her, should I so choose.
A few other things have transpired lately that have tested my mettle as a human being. I have found that I am strong and forgiving. I have amazing fortitude under times of duress. I’m not saying this as a matter of self-appreciation. These are just the qualities that I was dealt. I am a fighter and will survive, if not thrive, no matter what life throws my way (as long as it’s not a worm or snake, cause I am terrified of things lacking limbs).
First off, welcome back! I sure missed you.
Second, it is what it is.
This is the hand you are dealt, and some mothers never get beyond their self-involvement. What you have to do is to recognize that she is not going to meet your needs in the way that you want.
What is really going to be hard is recognizing the bits about you (maybe your laugh, your looks, whatever) that are pretty much an indication, that, golly, you are her daughter.
You can resolve to do better, but the genetic material is a given.
I used to make fun of my mom about stuff that I now find myself doing, things like grunting with stiffness when she got up in the night to whiz. Then I found I was doing the same.I am sure she is cackling about that from the great beyond!
She sure wasn’t June Cleaver, but in her strange way, she loved me, and as I matured, that was okay with me.
And hell, I sure miss her.
I have told no one about my surgery other than my fiance. Why? I think that there is the impression that weight loss surgery is the “easy” way out. It, particularly with me, was not. I chose to keep my medical information to myself, and will continue to do so. No one needs to know. And I can understand the feeling of fear before, thinking that you need to let someone else know, but why is that? Your hubby knew, and if anything had happened, he could handle things. Or you could have chosen to just say you were going in for surgery, and left the details out of it. But I am a bit surprised that you would be surprised that she would tell, particularly someone you did not want to know. Listen, this may be harsh, but I think you knew she would tell, and you knew who she would tell, and you trusted a person who had proved in the past to be untrustworthy. So what was the surprise? You have had lifechanging surgery. In the future, all your choices will need examination. We did not get fat by eating too much. It is more complicated than that. Everything is a choice. And we have to make better choices for ourselves. If someone walks up and shits in the punchbowl, do you invite them back to the next party? You are, in this life, only who you surround yourself by.
Have you ever read “People of the Lie”? It’s by a Christian author and has references to faith, but it is predominantly about the condition known as narcissism. My mother suffers from it (or rather, WE all suffer because she has it), and I believe that your mother does, too. I guarantee you that if you pick up the book and read about the “evil” that is narcissism, you will be amazed that someone has nailed every aspect of her personality that exists. It is interesting, and yet very sad, because the very nature of narcissists makes it impossible to cure them. They don’t take responsibility for anything, they don’t think there’s anything wrong with them, they tear others down to make themselves look and feel better, they lie compulsively, and they will NOT go to therapy — and if they do, they end up calling the psychiatrist a quack for trying to diagnose them as anything. You really should read the book. Fascinating stuff.
akantha, you spit the truth. I made the mistake of trusting untitledmother twice. I won’t do that again. After some thought, I do believe that subconsciously, she wanted to tell, for she is a jealous person. This was her way of tearing me down a few pegs. God, if she only knew about all the other problems in my life, she’d feel like shit for doing what she has done. But in her eyes, I’m rich (yeah right), so my life MUST be perfect.
katherine, I do believe untitledmother is a narcissist. I’ve never placed this title on her — I didn’t know there was a name for who and what she is. But upon your suggestion, I do believe the narcissist shirt fits (in fact, she probably bought it this weekend and wore it out of the store). She has never taken responsibility for any of her mistakes, which in turn, perpetuates more mistakes (and more opportunities for me to look at her and say “what the FUCK, woman!”).
She now wants to have this surgery herself. In her mandatory psych evaluation, the doc told her that after surgery, she will probably build upon her current shopping addiction. She, of course, was shocked (but not shocked enough to unload all the full shopping bags from her car trunk). And yes — she exhibits all of those characteristics. I’ve even caught her lying about an outfit she bought for untitledson. She claimed she bought it at a fancy department store, but it was the “Faded Glory” label (which we all know is a Wal-Mart brand).
I certainly don’t care where she got the outfit (for it is ugly and I never put it on him anyway), but I find it interesting that she would lie about something so trivial. She does, however, buy all of HER outfits at expensive stores. It pains her to spend money on other people, or do nice things for other people.
She is the queen of tearing other people apart (in regards to their hair, clothes, size or whatever). It’s so funny, cause, physically (and I suppose mentally), she is such a troll of a woman. There’s this look she gives to people — all people — in which she looks them up and down with her eyes a few times, mouth agape. It’s embarassing to be with her, because it’s so crass and rude. It’s the kind of behavior you’d expect from an ill-mannered six year-old.
I have to release all my hatred and anger towards untitledmother. I do not want to hold on to this bag full of rage. It will consume me. That’s why I forgave her (not her actions, but her). I see her as chronically flawed — unable to improve. And for that, she has my pity. I can no longer be surprised or outraged by her actions. She is what she is, as they say.
Good going, untitled. It is remarkably freeing to finally see a parent as a person, not as a parent. We are unable to really live an adult life until we can see that parents are, many times, undeserving of the respect we give them. Many are cruel, lie, and hurt their children. Her jealousy of you, your surgery, your success, is typical of this type of parent. I can’t knock her, really, for deep in my heart I feel you are lucky to have a parent alive, I do not, yet I also know that, in my life, nothing got better for me until I pretty much eliminated my entire family from my life. I have a rule now: I don’t care what your title is (brother, sister, mother), if you act like shit and treat me like shit, you are out of my life. Those are hard choices to make, but no one said being an adult was easy. And I have been rewarded with a life mostly free of toxicity, even though I am admittedly a long way from having anything close to a perfect life. One day at a time, as they say. But I don’t extend any extra credit to anyone, by virtue of being a relative, than I would to a total stranger. I expect civility, and consideration from all that I am with. I don’t always get it. People are people, and can be asses. But then I can make a choice to cut them slack or cut them out. My choice. My environment. My claim, as little as it is, on my own power.
I stumbled upon your blog this evening (morning?) and read (with tears) the string about your mother. My mother was famous for saying things “for your own good”. Things like “where did you get those jeans? they are Interesting.” My daughter (my one and only child) wanted to punch her, as she thought the jeans looked great on me. Never mind that they were from Lane Bryant’s and a size 22. I finally realized how often my daughter was being hurt by the comments my mother made to me. Thankfully she seldom did it to my daughter, living 1800 miles apart helped that.
The moral of my story is, however, that I found a way to forgive — never forget — while Mom was dieing of cancer two years ago. When she decided to stop fighting the cancer I had the realization that I didn’t want the bitterness to be what I remembered — nor what my daughter remembered. Weirdly, my best friend is now going thru a similar situation. She has had an AWFUL situation with her mom and I asked her to consider finding bits and pieces of her mom that she could love — and make those bits and pieces what she will try to focus on in the future.
No, this isn’t easy, but now, looking back two years after mom’s death I am glad I did it. I didn’t say all the things to her face that I now wish I had, but I did say some of it, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, I learned that her bitterness and nastiness wasn’t about me and that she did love me. I have also learned to be more careful with how I “suggest” things to my daughter. I will NOT have her feeling she needs to “fix” things when my time clock is ready to be punched. Be strong — do what’s right for you and your boy, and what’s right for your HEART in the long run.