untitledhusband and his fabulous fornicating $700 eyeglasses.

untitledhusband has been due for new glasses for some time now. He doesn’t wear them all that often, but when he does, he’d rather not be sporting a pair of bug goggles with gold butterfly decals on the lens. He wanted to try a new place this time, something a bit less pedestrian than where we have gone in the past. So he found this cute little eyeglass boutique and low and behold, found just what he was looking for in about five minutes.”So what do they look like? What brand are they?” I asked, thinking they’d be Nike or Ralph Lauren or something, cause that’s usually how we roll. “They are ‘Lindberg‘ frames,” he said. Bless his heart, I thought. He’s eschewing the bawdy brand names for the sake of value! What a thrifty dude. This should make up for the $2,000 TV he bought a few weeks ago while under an electronics-fueled Best Buy fog. I would really rather not see Antonella Barba’s areolas in high-def, thank you very much (or hear her sing “Put Your Records On” in 7.1 surround sound, either). There now. I just outed myself as an “Amerian Idol” viewer, and you best think less of me.

“So, what’s the damage?” I asked, thinking it would be around $300-$400.



“Is that too much?”

“For marriage counseling, no.” I replied. “Jesus H! Are the frames dipped in platinum or what? Is Charles Lindberg sitting on an island in the South Pacific, whittling these frames out of the twisted remains of his airplane wreckage?”

“Well, uhhh…”

“I mean, how does one even FIND $700 eyeglasses, let alone buy them?”

“Ummm, they’re really cool.”

“Well great then. You only wear glasses when you are reading your trashy magazines in the tub or hunkered over your Saturday morning cereal. For $700, these glasses better do more than help you see. They need to fix the kitchen disposal when untitledson drops popcorn kernels into it. And I should hope that they are capable of clearing away all Hot Wheels vehicles from the stairs before I come trotting down with a basketful of laundry. And hand jobs — they best give hand jobs. Can these magical $700 eyeglasses do all that?”

“Why yes, they can.”

“Well then, I stand corrected. Good purchase.”

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