My infrequent posting as of late can only mean on thing — we are about to move. On September 29th, to be exact. We move to a hotel for one month, and then to the house we cannot afford but we insist on having. Plenty of people use ketchup to flavor their spaghetti noodles, right?
We have been busy packing and throwing stuff out. Note to self: call the Sharpie company and tell them to make “Sharpie on a Rope.” A Sharpie that hangs around one’s neck is desperately needed in this world. If I ask untitledhusband where my Sharpie is one more time, he will see to it that I have one permanently lodged up my ass.
Perfectly good stuff that I forgot we even had must now be tossed. Things like coagulated hand lotion, clumpy nail polish, and antiquated hair product that has no business being around my follicular regions or an open flame, for that matter. Among some of my more interesting finds:
My electric leg shaver. My mother got it for me when I was 12, along with a maxi-pad “belt” (she had no clue about technological advances in the feminine hygeine industry, given that she had a hysterectomy 10 years earlier).
A bath “bomb” for scenting and carbonating one’s bath water. So THAT’S how you do that (take note, untitledhusband).
My old Caboodle, complete with abadoned make-up remnants eyebrow pencil shavings. I would still be using it, but everyone makes fun of me. Haters, the whole lot of you. Begrudging a girl her Caboodle. You should be ashamed.
13 red Virgin Mary candles that we used for decor at our 2000 Halloween party. Yeah, I know. Going to hell, we are. But at least our path will be well-lit (much like we were on that night).
Not one, not two, not three, but FOUR rolls of medical tape. Perhaps I should use this to seal some of my boxes. Brilliant.
Not one, not two, not three, but FOUR tubes of antibiotic cream. So why is it I can never find this stuff when I need to treat a wound?
Disposable nursing pads and nipple cream, both unused. What a shame. And no, the nipple cream does not heat up upon application, which is a damn shame.
A near-empty bottle of Vicks Vapo-Rub (which pervy untitledhusband uses to get high).
Several hair dryer attachments (diffusers et al). Who uses these things?
Some other things I unearthed, but did not toss:
Three boxes of children’s band-aids (Dora, Care Bears, Cars), but NO adult band-aids. That’s not to say untitledhusband hasn’t slapped on a Cars band-aid, though (and liked it).
Three boxes of pantyliners. Methinks they might make some damn fancy post-it notes. Quilted and scented, even!
A battalion of crusty curling and straightening irons. I could never toss aside my comrades, seeing as how I am responsible for their current condition. Not that they have ever done ME any favors.
That’s about it, for now. I’ll keep you posted as I continue to unearth such treasures amongst our stockpiles of junk.
I had COMPLETELY forgotten about the maxi-pad belts! My mom was too embarassed to show me how to clip the little pad’s tails through the “teeth” and when I was 13 and wanted to try a tampax I thought she would die! I tried on my own for 2 hours and came out crying telling her I didn’t have a hole there. Oh how naive I was!
Moving is a real bitch–it makes you realize that you have waaaay too much shit and none of it is good enough for a new house!
Maxi belts? Try big ol’ safety pins. That’s how I found out I was allergic to metal.
Panty-liners. If you don’t use them now you might hang on to them. When you get old like me you have to wear them in case you sneeze.
CABOODLE! My daughter had a real cute one. I loved it as much as she did…maybe more.
I am 57 years old and wearing a Scooby-Doo bandaid on my arm this very moment. The cute purple one.
Okay I have NOOO idea what the hell a maxi belt is! As for Caboodles I still have one!
Here’s your sharpie:
http://www.sharpie.com/sanford/consumer/sharpie/newproducts/whatsnew.jhtml
Miss Jean, I love you. I actually need a pantyliner after reading your response. And it was from laughing, thank you very much, not sneezing.
I have the love/hate relationship with moving. I love throwing things out, but cry when I find sentimental crap trapped under something and don’t know what to do with either.
Untitled, I still have the unused giant gauze pads from when my oldest son was born (he’s 14 next month). He was circumcised and my husband went to the drug store for the necessary accoutrement. I’m not sure how big he thought our son’s penis was, but I could have wrapped the entire child in the pads my husband brought home. We have moved 3 times since he was born and I pack the pads every time. I will be prepared when the terrorists arrive.
I still have my purple Caboodle. I use it as a sewing caddy!
I can’t believe I know this, let alone am revealing that I know this… but disposable nursing pads make great eye patches.
So now I have a new way to know that I am getting to be way too old (and a lot older than I ever thought I would get to be)…I’m old enough to know what a maxi-pad belt is, but too old to have a clue in hell what a Caboodle is.
As for the joys of moving, I wrote the book on it — no, really, I did. Well, I’m trying to finish it. I’ll send you an autographed copy when I’m done with it.
Anne
I am going to be joining the co-habitation movement with said boyfriend, and we will be combining slum apartments into a newish slummy 2 bedroom apartment in the ‘jects.
I feel bad adding to the landfill with my mounds of crap, but I just heard that the landfill we use will not be at capacity for at least 25 more years! Whew!
As for the bandaid issue….bf insists on getting dollar store bandaids. You can seriously use them in place of duct tape, the tape on the bandaid is so strong.
Clean out the Caboodle and give it to untitledson–he will looooovvvveeeee it! It’s fun to take cars & junk in the vehicle and then they feel all important carrying the little case around!
If shoulder pads ever come back in style, you have disposable ones.
I remember watching my father fashion shoulder pads out of kotex when I was little.
Don’t think ma was all that impressed.
HA! Rose…touche’ girl. You got me back with the circumcision story. The thrifty gene does get a tad hard to justify when we drag stuff around with us for years.
Glad I was wearing my panty-liner!!
You moved in yet?
I hope you are not lost, buried alive in a heap of boxes!
untitled…hurry back, please. we miss you.
Helloooo? Is this thing on????
Only 4 more days and we’ll have a 1 month anniversary of no postings!
Someone better send the posse to check on Untitled in her new house!
Many, many years ago, I had a male teacher in grade 6. I am the oldest girl so my mom ‘practised’ her ’speech’ on me and I started school that year, feeling very grown up and humiliated at the same time because I was clutching a maxi-pad belt ‘just in case’.
I also always, always lost my toothbrush whenever I moved. I instantly bought a new toothbrush and now, own at least a dozen that have been used 1-2 times–why? Because I would always find the correct box!