Romancing the stone (among things).

untitledhusband and I have been in home-building hell, trying to select, among things, faucets and exterior materials for our new house. If I don’t pop a cap in the next person who says “that will be an add-on,” it will be a miracle.

In the past few weeks, we have spent a vulgar amount of time (mostly during work hours) on such pressing issues as the finish on our faucets and the number of data jacks untitledhusband wants in the master bath (3). I am convinced that he won’t be happy until he can work from home whilst scrubbing his netherlands, watching re-runs of “Silver Spoons” and reading “Rolling Stone.” He claims this has been a dream of his since childhood, and only now has technology advanced enough to make his dream possible.

Far be it from me to stand in the way of a man and his dream. So we went to Best Buy over the weekend to peruse our flat screen TV options. Poor untitledhusband could hardly navigate the aisles, with his wang at full-mast. Every once in a while, I’d catch him brushing up against one of the massive screens, and he’d get this blissed-out look on his face. I find it funny that people get all up in arms over a porn shop moving into the neighborhood when Best Buy is right around the corner.

All in all, we’ve been staying on budget, aside from our plumbing, where we are all kinds of over (like to the tune of $3,000). Turns out the plumber bid in entry level plastic faucets — you know, the kind with plastic jewels for handles. Jewels, my ass. When I saw the faucet in the display room, I felt like saying, “What part of me says ‘plastic handles’ to you?” I will have, at the very least, brushed chrome in this new house if I have to sell my snootch on the weekends to make it so.

After I made this declaration, I found out that a brushed chrome finish is twice as expensive as polished chrome. And don’t even ask about brushed nickel, which would require us to send untitledson off to the rice fields of Cambodia. It’s quite yummy, this brushed nickel, and don’t think that I haven’t weighed the options.

An even bigger headache is the home exterior. We fell in love with a stone called “Tulsa Rubble,” but it turns out that it is no longer being quarried. Now we have moved on to a “cultured stone” (it’s actually concrete) called “Great Lakes Split-Face.” No one else around here has this stone on their house, so we can only view the online sample, and the photo of this house, which we also found online. We plan on trimming out with a contrasting brick, and using a light tan siding. Shiteous? Heinous? Righteous? Please share your opinion, as the flames inside my head could use a Molotav Cocktail about now. If it turns out to be a nightmare, you can count on untitledhusband posting photos of me beating my noggin bloody on the front of our house.

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