Back that thang up.

Yes, I have been offline a bit this week, my time consumed by reading your thoughtful comments on “The Last Ride.” Thank you for your kindness. We are already thinking about another dog, but it will have to wait until we move into our new house in November. I wonder if I’ll ever stop hearing the jingle-jangle of his dog collar in my mind.Far be it from me to remain solemn for long. I return in a blaze of blasphemy to call out the dregs of society — those who back into parking spaces. Yeah, I’m talking to you, old man. You and your red Silverado with the foam cactus on the antenna. Your motivations are unknown. Your regard for my time is zero. And yet, you go to great lengths to inconvenience me by backing into your parking spot.

Perhaps you feel that after you make your appearance, you will need to make a quick getaway. Had I known that Leif Garrett was in my midst, I would’ve thrown my size 10 control-top panties with the withering elastic into the bed of your truck. Or maybe your machinations are of the evil ilk and you’ve got an Glock hidden in your glove box, nestled between the Wet Ones and your map of the Show-Me State. If this is the case, as you were my friend. As you were.

Regardless of your intentions, I must point out the obvious — it takes no more effort to back out of a spot than it does to back into a spot. In fact, I’m pretty sure the difficulty level and risk for collision are higher when backing into a spot that’s surrounded by other vehicles.

If you or someone you know is a parking spot backer-inner, please tell me why. What is the benefit? Do you know it drives others crazy? Then why oh why do you still do it? Personally, I think it’s passive-aggressive behavior and all practioners need to remove the corks from their respective asses.

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