So I went to this jewelry party last night. Effing pyramid schemes, I swear. At this time, I want to make a plea to all of the world’s women – do not let corporate America use you and your friendships to hawk their overpriced wares. Don’t serve up your friends, who only came to your house to see your new dining room set and rifle through your medicine cabinet. Don’t tear babies from their mommas, who’ve spent all day at the office playing Free Cell and want nothing more than to put on their elastic pants, cuddle with the kids and watch “Big Brother.” Men don’t do this to each other. Why do we?
Serve up all the soft drinks and cocktail weenies that you like – it doesn’t make it right. I mean, what is it about getting older that means every party that you are invited to involves shipping and handling? Somewhere along the line, y’all forgot what a party is. Guns-N-Roses, ice cold keg beer, camp fire, peeing in the weeds, screwing in the weeds – that’s a party. This is merely an ass-fucking charading as a party.
All night, the hostess kept telling us, “If you have a party, you can get four pieces of jewelry for $10 a piece!” I’m sure this little incentive worked on some, but it just pissed me off. It means that right now, I am paying three times as much as I should for some stupid necklace that, in a bid for sweet freedom, will break off my sweaty neck and fall into a storm drain the first day I wear it.
I am such an alien, I thought to myself. These other women, they are enjoying this. They’re being social, acting like real women who care about the eating habits of someone else’s three year-old. They’re not all quiet and off on their own, awkwardly pawing jewelry and sidling up to conversations that do not pertain to them. They don’t talk at precisely the wrong second, allowing someone else to talk over them, thus nullifying their comments and ensuring their status as “the slow woman in the corner with barbeque sauce on her shirt.”
Fuck, as if being at a jewelry party wasn’t bad enough, now it seems I’ve been transported back to junior high. Good thing I’ll have a pair of $30 earrings to commemorate the event. For this price, I should hope that they’d engrave them with my graduation year and school mascot.
Seriously. If you’re going to either get involved in a scheme or end up at one of their parties you might as well get something useful… like a vibrator. Those parties are actually FUN. And if they’re thrown right, involve copious amounts of alcohol.
Amen sistah. I have never felt quite as lonely, bitter and depressed as when I sat through a Pampered Chef party that I had been wrangled into by a mommy friend of mine.
I looked at all the mothers who were winning raffle tickets by being the first to shout out what page number the item being demonstrated was on.
I got the heavy handed ’sign up to host and thus win your current host a free-bee set of tongs’.
I was served a homemade ice cream sandwich pie slice that was really just a blog of many prefabricated ice cream sandwiches in the two dogs humping position.
As these things happen, I cried for the loss of any adult mom friends who could carry a coherent conversation about current events. Then I bought a vegitable peeler out of peer pressure and swore to myself I would never go again.
Once again? Not very popular with the mommy crowd. Oh well.
bravo and hell y-to the-e-s! i’m the one that no longer gets invited to those parties because A) nine times out of ten i would decline with an, “i’d rather spend time with my husband and kids than buy a bunch of crap that’s just going to end up broken anyway.” or B) i would go to the party and would point out the obvious - like the fact that i would be paying three or four times more for something than the girl who just signed up to have a party (and you know they’re making a huge profit off of her as well…).
until women stand up and say, “you know what you bastards, we’re fucking smarter than that shit!”, we’re doomed to a life of high pressure sales pitches disguised as friendship and comradery.
I have been to that party at least 10 times, well at least 10 goods hawking parties of some sort and at the last one I made an announcement that this was the last fucking ripoff, waste of an evening, wallet emptying, faked smile party I was going to attend. I have declared myself free of all gatherings of the like. It feels really really good:)
HA! I was invited to one of these jewelry parties this weekend declined. Is it a coincidence that this is the same woman who fills my inbox with chain letters?
Now y’all are forcing me to come out the closet and admit it: I like *most* of those parties, provided I know the host well, can count on seeing my peeps, and will not be forced to play stupid-ass games.
Pampered Chef? check! Tupperware? check! Usborne books? check! Longaberger? check. Stampin Up? check!
However, I won’t do jewelry, home decorating stuff, vitamins, sex toys, or the mother of all evils: Mary Kay!
Untitled, are you channelling me again? I swear sometimes you are looking right thru my eyes. I HATE those parties…, except the sex toys parties.., but no one I know is above G-rated anymore so those are out. The only ones I’ll go to at all are Pampered Chef and that’s only to buy my hubbie toys so he’ll keep cooking for me. Somehow he’s under the delusion that cooking is fun and far be it for me to step on those rose coloured glasses!
Mebbe those parties wouldn’t be so heinous if we didn’t have to talk and pretend to smile.
Thank God I’m close enough to my group of mommy friends that they know I don’t do those dumbass, waste of time, ripoff “parties” anymore. I’ve been vocal enough about what a ripoff Tupperware is and then it’s progressed from there. I don’t give a rip what you are “showing” in your home. Even if I do come just to see your new furniture, I’m not buying a damn thing. And yes I’ll have a drink thank you!
Ug, I agree. My friend holds candle parties every year. Every freaking year. Right before christmas, in case I’m interested in spending 8 billion dollars on an ugly pillar candle, base sold separately. Like I don’t have at least a million other ways to spend my limited christmas funds but on candles. “Here Boys, go play with fire! Merry Christmas!”
I walk the fine line on this one…I’ve had and attended my share of all of them and the only one I’ll go to now are Pampered Chef so I can restock on those $1 paring knives that are THE BEST (I swear this is not a commercial). I hate the pressure of trying to figure out what overpriced crap I don’t need to buy so my friend can get the free hostess gift. Did you realize that we can get every single one of those party items at the local dollar store (except maybe the sex toys…you probably want to buy quality on those)?
My general observation (based loosly on having helped prepare for….read prepare all the eats and drinks……and host a couple of these events) is that you should find 11 of your closest friends…..pick a night once a month, every month at a different “host’s” house……go there…..hand the host $20 and have a good time visiting, drinking, etc. with no pressure to buy a damn thing…..then…in a few months your 11 friends will by by your house and hand you $20……in the end, no one has crap they don’t need, no one is out a penny, and you all feel like you’ve had a month with profit to offset the cost of the booze….just my 2 cents….
I think the worst are the make-up parties… evil, boring, expensive, and they feel free to let you know how much “better” you look in their products.
You guys above are hilarious. I was laughing at all of them. I just got invited to like the 10th party…and this one was some kind of delightful food party and maybe would have been good. But this is the 2nd time said person has asked me to a party and thankfully I can’t go do to a night class again. Actually, I would prob. go just to see the ladies/preschool mommies. But, what I really like is getting together with my girls group from high school (after 20 yrs) about once a month and going walking or kayaking or for a drink or a pedicure. We have a good time and get out of the house and no boring sales pitch!!
you’re scaring me…I’m going to one of these parties on Friday…