Losing her religion.

Talking to untitledmother today, I found out that she went to church for the first time in six months this past Sunday — and only because she was on the schedule to serve breakfast after the service. Six whole months without the holy ablution, the sinner’s license to watch “Real Sex” on HBO and keep a mysterious bottle of KY in your nightstand. Six whole months to eat Vienna sausages (low carb!) by the bowlful while reading “Prevention” magazine. Six whole months to give dollar store gifts to your loved ones while you yourself wear nothing but the most expensive brands.

Sense a little bitterness about that last point. Well, that’s because there is. A few weeks ago, she gave untitledson a “Faded Glory” outfit from Wal-Mart — which is just fine. I have no problem dressing untitledson in Faded Glory this or that. But then she had to go and pass it off like she got it at a fancy department store. Before giving me the gift (which, long story short, was a guilt gift — her way of not looking like an asshole in front of family), she said, “It’s from Nordstrom’s.” “Wow, Nordstrom’s has some cute things for little boys!” I exclaimed, waiting for her to fess up. But alas, nothing. Treacherous cunt. In the immortal words of Royal Tennenbaum, “I see you, asshole!”

Now the part that perplexes me is her complete lack of Christian knowledge. She knows the Bible, but she doesn’t KNOW it, if you know what I mean. She’ll zip right past the part about gluttony and greed, using the potato chip grease on her fingertips to help turn the pages.

I asked her why she quit going to church. At first, she blamed it on the pedophile priests she reads about in the Enquirer — her OTHER bible. But eventually, the truth came out. “I just like sleeping in on Sunday.” Just like she does on Monday and Saturday and every afternoon, for that matter.

Yeah, I know. It sounds like depression. We have some experience in untitledhousehold with that, and I feel fairly confident that her “depression” is self-induced. She went to a psychiatrist for a few months, and he prescribed her a plethora of pills, none of which “worked.” I’ve seen chemical imbalance, and this is not it. This is physical unbalance — the result of sitting on one’s ass for so long, that nothing seems enjoyable. Typical weekend day for untitledmother:

9:30 a.m. Wake up
9:45 a.m. Eat breakfast
10 a.m. Watch TV and read newspaper
10:30 a.m. Morning nap
Noon Eat lunch
12:30 p.m. Get dressed and go shopping, drop $350 on clothes for self
3:30 p.m. Afternoon nap
6 p.m. Go out for dinner
7 p.m. Watch TV
9:30 p.m. Bed

untitledmother has checked out of life, putting forth as little energy as possible, for as we all know, she who sits the most WINS. She has no hobbies, for that takes effort. She joins no clubs, again, the effort. And now she has quit going to church. She eats every meal out. She hires others to clean her house and do her yardwork. She would’ve hired someone to hook her bra a long time ago, if not for her embarassing back fat (hey, I have it too). It seems she won’t be satisfied until she has completely outsourced her life.

Now I’m only 35, and I’ve already figured out that to enjoy life, you have to get out there and get your hands dirty. Volunteer. Walk around your block. Go to the state fair. Sure, it takes effort — and it would certainly be much easier to sit on your floral couch and watch re-runs of “Walker, Texas Rnager.” But life will always be work. It seems that even happiness takes a little bit of effort. untitledmother is so screwed.

12 thoughts on “Losing her religion.”

  1. Untitled Mother sounds like a piece of work. But to be all Dr. Phil about it – what is this bitterness about her doing for you?

  2. So, alluding to the KY jelly, you forgot to include masturbate in her day. It’s something nice you can do for yourself, if only you keep your nails trimmed properly.

  3. Nah, she prolly keeps the KY to appear as if she at least has something interesting in her life. Beating around the bush would be too much work.

    Sounds less like a depressive than self delusional pampered ‘princess’. I imagine that nothing is ever ‘enough’ for her. I also imagine that ‘everybody is always soooooo mean’ to her also, yes?

  4. I’m trying to work on my bittenerness in regards to untitledmother. I need to let it go already. I don’t know why she irritates me so. And yes, I realize how non-productive it is to dwell on her shortcomings. She just pisses me off so much, I cannot help it. There I go, getting worked up again. God DAMN!

  5. You make me laugh. I feel sorry for your mom as it’s sounds like she’s not really living life just getting by. Can’t really be happy like that I don’t think. Yes, see you have issues with her. I know that I am lucky that I have a normal mom (whatever that really means) and she goes out and travels and does so much that she’s like a teenager and dresses young too. It’s scary the other way when your mom is little and fit and fun and way better than the daughters. ha ha. But you can’t change your mom, she has to want to. We can only change ourselves. Believe me I’ve tried to change the hubby but he had to do it for himself.

  6. Mebbe the bitterness is becuz she’s mean & nasty to you. She EARNED it. But don’t worry about it because you’re awesome and she’s just a little blip (blob) on the screen.

    Plus, if you completely let it go, then we don’t get to read your incredible posts. Vent, baby, vent! See, it IS productive!!!

  7. You’re going to be okay untitled. You’ve got that brilliantly level head on your shoulders and you’ll make peace and start to focus all that energy on yourself or something else. It’s all good. Just please, please, please…keep those posts coming!
    P.S. My husband and I were on vacation in Birmingham last week and we almost crashed into the guy in front of us because he was sporting the ball sack thingy AND a pissing kid sticker. It was so much to take in – the balls were HUGE! I kept thanking the Gods that my kids weren’t with us. I took a pic and will share it with you as soon as I get off my lazy ass and hook the camera to the laptop – cause that’s SO much work!

  8. Your mom and MY mom could be TWINS. I read your words and could soooo write it myself. But I have family who knows I have a blog, unfortnately. Instead I just say it to my husband.

    My mom had a heart attack a few years back…a mild one that really didn’t do a lot of damage. She claims she died (she did code twice, but didn’t DIE). Every since she’s been screwy in the head. She quite her job of 20 years with no retirement or savings and has sat on her ass for seven years nearly doing nothing but wearing her nightgown and rubbing her feet together. SHe gained a tremendous amount of weight, of which she didn’t try ONE time to lose and then came to me not too long ago to tell me she was having gastric bypass surgery. She’s certifiable really. Besides not giving a shit about her life, she asks us for money constantly (husband’s a doctor so we must have the extra for her) and relies on my sister and anyone else within arms reach to do everything for her. I know how you feel, truly I do. It’s a shame. My best friend has the same situation with her mom. OUr conclusion is this..that when you hit your 30s and have children you suddenly don’t see your parents in the rose colored vision you had before, when you were just their child. Marriage helps lower the tint on the glasses a little bit…but it’s having a child that really shatters them. All the CRAP your parents did to you becomes obvious when you find that you could NEVER do that to your kids. At least that’s what I feel and see with my mom. She’s made so many bad choices in her life, the negatively affected me. Now that I have two daughters I, for the life of me, don’t see how she could do that as a mother. Where I once felt guilt, induced by her, and pity for her I now see RED. Rose has become a blood tinged color of RED. I’m angry over alot of things she did as my mother, and have a right to be. I’ve concluded I raised myself because she and I have very little in common in terms of how we view or live our lives. I for one have been with the same man for 16 years. She was already on her third marriage to a sorry ass drunk by this time.

    Anyway, just wanted to let you know you’renot the only 30 something woman out there discovering that a piece of crap their mother can be. We should start a club!

  9. untitled, you already know how I feel on the mom situation, but please keep it coming. it helps you AND it helps others to know they’re not alone and that it’s okay to not want to buy a mother’s day card. i have tried to rationalize my mother’s “poor me, i did the best i could and it’s everyone else’s fault that i have been and continue to be a miserable human being” behavior for years and have finally come to the conclusion that she is who she is and that my children (and i) are not missing out by having her not involved in our lives…she’s missing out on us!

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