The dance.

I joined Weight Watchers about four months ago, and lost a total of 13 pounds before┬ deciding my points journal made an awesome coaster for my afternoon pop. Those were 13 long hard pounds, and it was pissing in the┬ ocean when you consider that I have 100+ pounds to shed. I think this is one of the reasons it’s so hard for big people like me to lose weight — the mountain is so high, so unclimbable. It’s like cutting the grass on a football field┬ with a nail clippers.

The feeling I get before I binge is what I can only imagine is the same ravenous, consuming┬ desperation that a junkie feels before shooting up. It’s like the whole world melts away, and the only thing┬ I see in my crosshairs is food. Snickers. Ding Dongs. French fries. Before I can finish my timesheet, before I can┬ concept that print ad, I must┬ soothe the beast. It won’t┬ loosen its┬ unrepentant grip until it has been fed.

And so I eat. And eat. And eat some more, until the food expands, stretches and strains my gut.┬ I feel guilty, powerless, low. Yet I am calm. I’ll be damned if I don’t┬ feel┬ at peace.┬ I am fulfilled and complete. I lie in┬ the wake,┬ a bit dazed by the frenzy that has come to pass.┬

This is the torment that washes over my brain once, sometimes twice, a day. But┬ I must function,┬ I must put up the front. I must┬ bury┬ these thoughts in a hastily dug trench, along with┬ my awkwardness and my shame. For when you are fat, or obese as they say, you must be smarter, funnier and more pulled together than┬ everyone else in the room. You cannot risk appearing slovenly or gluttonous, because that is what they expect of you.┬

If I starch a crisp line into my khakis and maintain a perfect french manicure, will┬ you not notice how my thighs billow out from the steely borders of the conference room chairs?┬ How could you not. I see the┬ disgust in your eyes as they sweep up and down me. And so I dance, hoping my jazz hands will divert your attention from the dark storyline unfolding behind the curtain. The show must go on.┬

18 thoughts on “The dance.”

  1. Going to a Public Humiliation Meeting tonight myself. After I finish the box of Slim-A-Bear (how stupid a name is that? Slim a BEAR?) ice cream sandwiches in the freezer.

  2. Been there, done that…and couldn’t find a damn shirt that would fit. And to top it off, my eating binges seem to be tied to depression cycles that sneak up on me unawares. So by the time I realize, hey I think something’s wrong here, I’ve been stuffing my face for the last three days.

    I don’t think I could actually go to a public Weight Watchers meeting. Thank gods for the internet.

  3. I, too, am a fat fuck who does cute clothes (yes, I manage to find some), mani, pedi, and lately, bright green streaks in my hair.
    I always wear makeup when I go out, and I have recently discovered glitter, which I call eye bling.
    I would post a picture if I could here.
    The saddest part?
    I am closer to 60 than I am to 50.
    Any body want to hire a multicoloured hair freak for IT work?

  4. I have to obsess so hard to lose weight. Every fiber of my being has to be fully stretched to its breaking point to keep me from eating. The only time I was really successful was when my BF dumped me for another woman and I wanted to show the fucker how hot I was.

    I wish I could find something to be that pissed at again.

  5. And God forbid you should put much food on your plate when you are in a group — people seem to take great glee in noticing and making editorial comments on it.
    Funny I should be reading this this morning — I’m working on a song parody about the very same subject.

  6. Anne Lamott, one of my favorite writers, wrote an essay for the latest issue of O Magazine on her struggle with bingeing. In true Anne Lamott style, it’s brutally honest, funny, spiritual, and sharply observed. The title? “The Devil Wore Icing.”

  7. I too struggle with weight issues and find myself feeling exactly like you at times. But, in the last 6 months I have been hel- bent to lose weight and have been doing it. I have lost 30 pounds and have about 40 more to go…and I’m going to do it. I have decided it is more important for me to live a long life for my children and future grandchildren than it is to satisfy a craving for french fries and chicken wings. I am using the South Beach diet and take a yoga class 3 days a week. I have tried and failed so many times before that I can relate to your every word, so I thought I would post a little encouragement. My father, whom is overweight, had a heart attack recently and it scared me enough to re-prioritize. FOOD IS NOT THAT IMPORTANT!!! People are, and living another day with those I love, is…
    So you fell off the wagon…who cares! Get right back on! Nothing tastes as good as healthy feels!!!
    Good luck and never give up!

  8. HA! You’re from the midwest. Only people from the midwest say Pop! If you were from the south, everything would be coke, pepsi, etc.


  9. Hi there Kevin. You are right! This is a quote from my About page: “Although I am anonymous, there are a few things that I am willing to reveal. I am a 30-something creative professional and working mother who lives in the Midwest.”

    I’m gonna go have a soda now. =)

  10. Untitled,

    I don’t post comments very often (I’m a shy poster) but I read everything you write.

    I’m 7 and 1/2 months pregnant and you wouldn’t know unless I told you. I get bigger and more swollen everyday, but all I get is the disgusted looks people reserve for fat girls that are getting fatter.

    I’m afraid that my bad eating habits are setting my little girl up for the same food abuse cycle as me.

  11. Untitled, I don’t comment very much, but I do read diligintely. I am not sure if you have ever considered it, but there is another way that may help ease your food cravings and actually help you lose weight. I began experiencing severe mood swings and depression episodes a few months ago. My life was pretty hectic and had been for a long while, with no end in sight. I began looking into getting on an anti-depressant but I also knew that many had side-effects including weight gain. I already needed to lose weight and didn’t want the extra cravings. I found out that Welbutrin SR and XL are both being used now in obesity trials thanks to their tendancy to curb the users appetite. I found several forums where people have been prescribed it and have lost weight.
    Ugh, sorry this sounds like some public service announcement but since I’ve been on it, I am now down 30 pounds. I’m a believer in it that’s for sure ­čÖé

  12. Canucks also say “pop”, never soda, soda is the stuff you put in your fridge to keep the odour down.
    We also spell things differently than you all do.

  13. I am going to be a high school freshman on August 23rd and I hate going to junior high, being fat. Worst of all, I am friends with some of the prettiest, thinnest girls in my grade. Most of them are rich and perfect and the exact opposite of me. I am at least 60 pounds heavier than any of them at any given time and a lot of the time, more. I tried to wear baggy clothes because my shape, if you could call it that, didn’t work under any of the cute clothes I want to wear. I was always a chubby kid but after my parents got divorced, I gained 15 or 20 pounds a year. I was never good at sports or anything and I have never been more miserable. My mother is one of the skinniest people I know and she loves to wear anything she can. I tried Weight Watchers but half way through my first month, I visited my dad for 2 weeks and gained 7 lbs and gave up because I had gained more than I thought I would ever lose.

    I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to write all that, especially to an old post, but I never said that and I thought it was better, if I too, was untitled when I did.

  14. “And so I dance, hoping my jazz hands will divert your attention from the dark storyline unfolding behind the curtain. The show must go on.”

    Only you can make me cry like this.

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