Weenie roast.

We went to a friend’s house this past weekend for a grill-out. It was our first date, so to speak. In lieu of the Whitman’s Sampler, we brought $20 worth of kebabs, lips and assholes for the kids (hot dogs), cut fruit, pasta salad and my famous crack dessert bars. Boo-ya, instant BBQ.

Both untitledhusband and I know the wife quite well through work and whatnot. We hadn’t spent much time with her husband, though. When we arrived, he was cutting his grass with his new lawn mower. I didn’t think much of it, for I assumed he would put it away once we got out of the car. But oh contraire. He did not stop until one hour later, when he had finished his yard.

In all, we were at their home for, oh, four hours. Except for the short time we spent together eating at the dinner table, he was constantly doing something else – mowing the grass, playing with the kids outside, masturbating to the table saw spread in the Lowe’s circular. It was clear that he preferred tinkering around in his garage to spending time with us. In addition, their kids wanted nothing to do with untitledson. This did not bother him. He just took the opportunity to raid their toy room and fart on the heads of all their stuffed animals. I was tempted to have him poop in the pink Barbie Hummer, but even I see how that might be crossing a line (especially with how common DNA testing has become).

All in all, the whole situation was quite awkward. Here we’d come with armfuls of carefully prepared food (hey, it was prepared by someone, somewhere). It was clear we’d gone to lengths, if not the deli section, for this one. Then the husband has to go and make us feel like over-anxious virgins at our first prom. It was as if we weren’t worth the effort.

By all other accounts, this guy seemed quite nice. When he did stop his chores long enough to talk, he was very cordial and engaged. He just didn’t seem to understand that abandoning your guests so you can play kick ball with the neighborhood kids was rude. In my mind, I kept making excuses for him – anything to deny the possibility that he just had better things to do that visit with the likes of us. I thought to myself, “Maybe he has ADD. Or maybe he has been working on home projects for so long, he just doesn’t know when to stop.” But there really is no good excuse, now is there.

I’d like to think that we’re not boring people. So maybe we play Scrabble on our Tivo and watch “Big Brother” when everyone else is outside, creating “Eight is Enough” family pyramids, waving flags and playing bocci ball. Does this make us boring? I mean, christ. We are certainly more entertaining than a gaggle of six year-olds that eat their own boogers. I mean, if it’s gross stuff that you’re into, I can tell you for a fact that I myself have an obsession for zit-popping. untitledhusband gets a sick joy out of playing with his own toenail clippings. untitledson will fart on demand, followed by what could only be termed the funky fart dance and a loud vocal declaration of “excuse mah BUTT!” If this isn’t excitement, hand me my nitro pills.

15 thoughts on “Weenie roast.”

  1. That IS rude. It’s amazing the lack of social skills people have nowadays.

    At first I thought, well maybe this guy has a social anxiety problem? A friend of mine does, but you’d never know it. If she is with a few people she knows and feels comfortable with, then she can chat it up with any of the other guests. But if it’s just her and her boyfriend, that scenario doesn’t offer enough comfort to her.

    But he’s in his own home. Which means he should be WICKED comfortable. Which means he’s maybe just a kinda dick.

  2. Odd. Just odd. And these are the people we have to socialize with. And I bet you were talked about afterwards as “odd”. Come over anytime and let your son fart.

  3. First of all, you can play Scrabble on TiVo? How is this done? How have I missed this? TiVo, it’s like I don’t even know you!

    And B, how very rude. And sadly, the wife didn’t do anything? I mean, the least she could have done is explained why he’s such an anti-social dickhead…

  4. Yeah, yeah, the husband’s a jerk, but….

    You WENT to a BBQ and BROUGHT all the food???

    Can you show up at my house on Saturday around 2 PM? Oh, I mean I’m INVITING you over for a BBQ on Saturday.

    You, untitled husband’s toenails (although that freaks me out a bit), untitledson’s farts and especially the untitled dessert bars are all welcome and my son has already mowed the lawn!

  5. Could he be cripplingly shy? Or perhaps he is just rude.

    Is there any chance you could video untitled son doing that fart manoeuvre? Sounds awesome.

  6. SHE wanted you to come over and HE didn’t. THEY had a fight about it before you came.

    Or:

    He is just not worth YOUR effort.

    Did she seem to notice that her husband was acting like a turd? Did she make any excuses for him?

    Rude people aren’t worth discussing. Cross him off your list.

  7. I’m really curious how the wife seemed through all of this. Was she embarrassed and trying to coax him into being sociable? Or did she seem oblivious to his behavior?

    I also hate when someone jumps up from the dinner table and starts clearing dishes and food before EVERYONE is finished. My DBF does this frequently. Luckily we never have anyone over for dinner because we have a TINY table that barely seats 4. ;(

  8. My husband, and my sister’s husband both tend to busy themselves when there are new people involved. Once you get to know my huz and my sister’s huz, you realize they are quite beautiful people.

    They are both incredibly shy, with some autism thrown in. They get completely off balance in social situations.

  9. Sandra, I would videotape the marvel of untitledson farting, but like all other things he does, he only does them when he is not supposed to do them.

    Miss Jean and Joyce, the guy’s wife acted as if everything was peachy. I don’t think either thought this behavior was rude. It was the strangest thing.

  10. Cissy and Woman with Kids — it’s part of the Tivo Online Services (you have to have your Tivo connected to your home network to have the feature, I think). The game is called “Wordsmith”. I tried to find more info at Tivo’s website, but there was very little info on it.

  11. I agree w/ Margaret…., sounds alot like Asperger Syndrome. My son has a very light degree of it and it can make social situations pretty awkward.

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