Sink or swim.

I signed untitledson (who is three) up for beginner swimming lessons this summer through daycare. The teachers corral the kids into a daycare bus, drive to the local pool and then bring them back to daycare. He enjoys the actual lessons. But the getting to and from the pool – that’s been not so fun.

I’m not surprised that untitledson has taken to the water like Aquaman, given that I spent the better part of my childhood at the pool, tanning myself more than anyone of Swedish descent has a right to, and whipping water-soaked Nerf balls at mean boys (I thinking of one in particular, a doughy 10-year old who told me that my perm made me look like Peter Frampton). I told him he looked like Bea Arthur, which was probably quite confusing given he was no where near menopause.

I find it amusing that untitledson refuses to get on the swimming lessons bus, but he freely lets his friends – even his girlfriend – hop right onto the cortège. They hop in, and he briskly walks in the other direction. I wonder what goes through his head as he sees them line up at the foot of the folding door, for what must be the equivalent of the Bataan Death March in his mind. “If and when this beast arrives at its destination, you’ll all be forced to eat raw tomatoes and take naps and watch ‘The View’ with your moms. That’s right – there will be no ‘Doodlebops,’ ‘Jack’s Big Music Show’ or ‘Pinky Dinky Doo.’ You’ll be up to your ears with Star Jones, her saggy tits and that little Republican bitch who ought to know better. You DO know this, right?”

After I discussed the situation with his teacher, I told her to not force him on the bus – just cancel his swimming lessons. I figured any trauma experienced from the bus ride would far outweigh the enjoyment of wading around in an overcrowded chlorinated cess pool. The saddest part was that he would not get a chance to sashay and shante, wearing his cute little Hawaiian/muscle car swim trunks. And isn’t that really why we Moms sign our kids up for swim lessons, so they can look fierce whilst poolside? Sure, the “Thomas” logo on his sunglasses doesn’t do much for his game. But still, the boy looks FINE.

In the end, his teacher ended up driving her car behind the white bus, with untitledson riding high in his own personal chariot – a late model Intrepid. I’m surprised he didn’t insist on a Hummer limo, though. Given his fascination with all things Tonka, it seemed more his style. I thought about asking little Nancy if he wanted to wear a tiara and throw candy along the parade route, but I thought that might be crossing some sort of line.

6 thoughts on “Sink or swim.”

  1. You know, I’m with untitled son on this–I’m getting pretty sick of riding the bus here in Belgium too. Since my husband has the car at work all day, I need to find a boyfriend with some nice wheels. I’m 16 all over again.

  2. little nancy. LOL I just started my daughter in them and she doesn’t really understand where we’re going, but man she was pissed when I started buckling her back into her seatbelt after her lessons after realizing we were done at the pool. You’d have thought the whole drying off and getting dressed thing might have tipped her off?

  3. You should teach him the royal family wave. Where the hand just turns from left to right, left to right. And then, see if you can get him to do it whenever he’s in a car. Give him candy everytime he does it. This way, the next time he pops into his teacher’s car, he’ll all the sudden start acting like Prince Charles!

    Minus the scariness and sex scandals.

    Though that could be another lesson.

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