Size matters.

OK, I just have to put this out there, because it’s been bugging the shit out of me. Just cause it’s summer doesn’t mean your feet shrunk two sizes, people. Just because you can get size 7 flip-flops on your nasty-ass size 9s due to the lack of firm boundaries doesn’t make it right. And yes, I’m talking to YOU Pizza Hut girl and your high-heel flip-flops (the wrongness of which is another post entirely), and YOU untitledmother-in-law and your cheap hooker sandals of brown patchwork vinyl and unsightly grommets, for which the purpose is not clear, if not to tie those damn things to a concrete block and drown them in a river.

By wearing the wrong sandals in clearly the wrong way, you’re taking advantage of the system and ruining the art for the rest of us.

To add a little construction to my criticism, let’s review. When it comes to sandals, we all know that there is a unspoken line of demarkation. Sometimes it is indicated by decorative stitching or contrasting footbed fabric. Other times, there is foot-shaped contouring that can be used as a guide. But every now and then, the boundary is invisible. The cues can be confusing. But regardless of shoe design, toes should not dangle and heels should not protrude. Period.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Somewhere along the line, you’ve been taught that wearing a smaller shoe actually makes your foot smaller. Well, that’s an urban legend. A small shoe does not necessarily equal a small foot. A small brain, maybe. But not a small foot.

If anything, go a size bigger — that will announce to the world that you are brave enough to buy the right size. Like a balding man who wears his hair cropped short, it will announce to the world that you are one confident motherfucker. Plus, people will know that they are messing with a sonofabitch, one who recognizes that a size 11 Manolo can inflict some serious damage.

12 thoughts on “Size matters.”

  1. Amen Sistah!

    I blogged on a variation of this issue a while back. Summer brings ugly feet and shoe issues out in the open. You and I could be buddy cops for the Foot Fashion Police. (I’ll bring the donuts….)

  2. Dear Mrs. Open-Toed Shoe Rule Lady,

    Isn’t there a rule that states if one is going to start wearing sassy sandals and flip flops one is required by law to TRIM THOSE PARAKEET CLAWS???!!??

    I thank you for your post today! Maybe now I can get a little rest. If not, only a few more months until all those nasty feet are covered up again. Until then, I will chant my mantra, “Don’t look down!”

  3. Nails must not only be trimmed, but maintained. Bunions, corns and nastiness in general must be taken care of, or no sandals for you. Seriously people, who wants to see this?

    And to add one side note, not only do smaller shoes not shrink your feet, but smaller pants do not shrink your ass.

  4. Can I just mention the clickable about the Liger? Napolean Dynamite would be so thrilled he might just bust some funky 80’s dance moves.

  5. I just had a pedicure and had my toes painted green to match the streaks in my hair.
    I am old, so I kind of look like Dame Edna now.
    P.S. My sandals light up, they are lots of fun.

  6. Nothing else on my body may be fit for viewing, but you can lay money on the fact that if it is Spring, my toenails are in good shape and painted the whoriest color red I can find.

    Just thought I’d share that.

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