I had a dream. I had an awesome dream.

I woke up the other morning after one of those vivid dreams — the kind that plays out in your mind like a movie. And, of course, I am one of those annoying fucks┬ who can’t keep her dreams to herself. Upon waking, I┬ feel this overwhelming urge to share. If I let it fester all day and keep it to myself, I’ll just end up reciting it to you a few hours later, after I’ve forgotten all the important facts. After telling untitledhusband about this particular dream, he said, “You sooo have to write about that on your blog.” So here goes.

I had a dream that I was dating DJ AM and that we were condo shopping out in Hollywood.┬ All the realtors and condo┬ association members were┬ kissing our asses because we were rich and famous, and that felt good. untitledhusband asked me if we were swapping bariatric surgery stories, to which I┬ insultingly replied no. I mean, HELLO. I am ALWAYS thin in my dreams. Now that I think of it, I may actually have been Nicole Ritchie in my dream, which means I was really really thin.┬ I must be spending way too much time┬ reading Perez┬ Hilton. Goddamn you, Perez! One day, I will get fired, and it will be for the five hours a day I┬ spend at┬ your lascivious web site.

The action then┬ jumped to me arriving at The Ivy (famous Hollywood eatery). I was no longer Nicole Ritchie — I was myself. I remember trying to sweet talk the maitre de so he’d┬ think I was someone important and let me have a seat in his precious restaurant. He┬ walked me┬ to a small┬ wall-side table, in a different room than everyone else.┬ If I had any plums, I would’ve protested by saying, “No one puts Baby in the corner!” But as it turns out, I’m as big of a wuss in my dreams as I am in real life. Perfect.

Oh well. It’s probably for the best. If Patrick Swayze would’ve entered the equation, DJ AM would’ve┬ been forced┬ to kick his ass. Swayze would’ve challenged him to a dance-off, and AM would’ve whipped a CD at him, slicing the tendons in his knee, thus ending his career. At least now he’d have an excuse as to why he’s done nothing noteworthy since “To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar” (which, I am ashamed to say, I saw in the movie theater). I have the retinal scars to prove it.

OK, back to the story. I was meeting untitledmom┬ at The Ivy┬ for Mother’s Day brunch. I remember feeling excited, because she was going to see what a Hollywood big shot I had become. After I took my seat, I noticed she was really late, so I called her on my mobile. She was flying into town for the occasion.

As┬ her phone rang, it occurred to me that I should’ve called earlier, or picked her up at LAX. Poor woman can’t even go through the McDonald’s drive-through without her On Star. Turns out she was┬ still at┬ the airport, pacing the┬ sidewalk like┬ a frightened marmoset, too freaked out to hail a cab or shuttle. I had to surrender my┬ table at The Ivy (sigh) and leave to go get her. I was pissed, cause I really wanted to┬ eat me some┬ waffles.

That was it. That was my dream.┬

Now, the first person who figures out the logic behind the title of this┬ post can ask me any question they like. I will answer honestly (as long as it’s not too revealing) and publish my reply in┬ the comments section┬ of this post. You’ll also get my undying respect. Since that in and of itself is not much of a prize (in fact, it may be a disincentive), I thought I’d better up the ante.┬ Yeah, I know. Merry fucking Christmas.

11 thoughts on “I had a dream. I had an awesome dream.”

  1. It’s a line from Lionel Ritchie’s song “Say you, Say me”. It’s an often misunderstood lyric so maybe you fear that no one will be able to interpret your dreams aka:your life and you will be stuck in therapy with a Freudian psychodynamic analyst until the day you die.

  2. Marisa, your knowledge of 80’s power pop is truly astounding and disturbing — all at the same time. And I truly did not anticipate the psychoanalytical bonus! Never again will I underestimate my readers.

    If I were as smart as you, I might have made that connection. Instead, my sugar-coated mind was making a reference to the fact that Lionel Ritchie is Nicole Ritchie’s father. All this useless knowledge floating around in my head.

    OK, now it’s your turn. Ask away!

  3. First off – Damn Marisa, you are on the ball.

    I am intrigued about your dream of dating DJ AM. I think I have half-aware always wondered myself what the hell he did or said to Nicole Ritchie to get her to give up food. On the top of my mind, I think she became anorexic because of all the media exposure next to Paris Hilton. But something in the back of my head wants to think it was because of AM.

    I laugh at Perez. But he is third favorite next to Celebitchy and IDon’tlikeYouInThatWay.

  4. Who do you think would be a better, more competent first woman president of the United States – Hillary Clinton or Condoleezza Rice? Would you rather be led by a woman who has never professed to have any opinion outside that of the current administration or a woman who can’t keep her husband from fucking around on her and then when his indiscretions are made painfully public, doesn’t leave him?

  5. Doesn’t LEAVE HIM?~?! She should’ve fucking gutted him. Do you know, I think the whole country would’ve given her a pass (only at that moment of the ultimate humiliation…, afterwards they would’ve lynched her).

  6. I’ve read somewhere that ALL the characters in our dreams are, in fact, ourselves. What we have to do is try to remember what those characters (us) were “feeling” more than doing.

    E.g. untitled mother pacing the sidewalk is you. How do you think you felt? Abandoned? The person who stood her up was you, still back at the restaurant. Why do you think you stood yourself up? Neglecting one’s self? Why did you leave without eating to pick yourself up from the airport? Priorities to yourself?

    I’ve made a lot sense out of my dreams that way, because the mumbo-jumbo dream plot applies to you, only you; which is basically your inner you trying to unscramble your mixed emotions and exepriences when your brain is on stand-by. Weird, isn’t it?

    [Twilight Zone theme song fade out]
    ­čÖé

  7. Ohhhh good question Marisa!!

    Im right there along with the “gutting” comment….make me look like a fool in front of our friends is BAD….. but to make headline news at 6pm and the topic of every lunch conversation…..dead man.

    I dunno what that says about her judgement skills under pressure…….

  8. Hillary, hands down. Any person who would stand behind Bush is automatically withdrawn from my pool. Sorry, Condi.

    I don’t fault Hillary for being married to a man who cheated. I’ve always believed that the same ego and desire for power that makes one able to be President also drives one’s desire to “conquer” many lovers. I don’t think Clinton is the only Presiden to cheat — I think he is the only one to get caught and publically strung up for it.

    The Republicans decided to make it a public issue, which I think is unscrupulous. It has nothing to do with how he did his job. I hired him to be a President. I did not hire him as a husband. Sure, the cheating and lying about it has some reflection on his character. But remember — no one person is all good or all bad, as American movies would like us to believe. We all have weaknesses and faults. Bill was a great President. He was a shitty husband, in some regards. I’m not saying I’d marry him. But he can be my President any day.

    The whole infidelity thing — that is between him and his wife and his daughter. Plenty of Republican Presidents have cheated, for sure. But I think it was always an unspoken rule that those kinds of things were outside the arena of pertinance. Now, if a President was lying and cheating about public policy, phone tapping, war, terror alerts, our budget, well then, I think that should be up for scrutiny. Seems like our Replican-led Congress doesn’t agree. How fucked up is that? Our nation’s lawmakers are in such a shame spiral right now, I have found myself mentally unplugging from Washington. Whenever I try to connect, I am dumbfounded by the antics and the things that the Bush administration are getting away with. It’s utterly shocking. It’s a dark period in American politics, for sure.

    So yeah, for me, it’s Hillary. I think she’s be a great President, but I hope she is never nominated. I don’t think most of the American public could find the courage to vote for her. But let’s be honest, I think in some respects, she was already President.

  9. Sorry…, Clinton fucking a starstruck, impressionable underling in the OVAL OFFICE is just like fucking her in MY living room, in front of MY children and then smirking about it (and YES, I did have to try to explain it to my middle school son!). The Oval Office belongs to the people. He showed his complete contempt for the people who put him in office by the choices he made and then by publicly lying thru his teeth. He was sooooo convincing to so many–how can those same people still trust him??? Unimaginable that people still think he is a fine person. He was NOT having an affair with an equal in any way shape or form. She was a throwaway…, a glorified kleenex. And sorry, but if you fuck over your wife–your partner, your life mate, the most trusted and trusting person in your whole world, well what does that say about how he would treat everyone else? It is ultimately NOT about sex, it was ALL the circumstances around it and his inflated opinion of himself as above normal conventions and laws.

    Before he did that and she ‘stood by him’ I would’ve voted for her. Her transparent stoicism made me see how completely without scruples she is. She would do or say anything to be elected and for what? Why doesn’t she stand for something in particular and let the people decide for themselves? I’ve been given to understand that the dems don’t want her to run because they feel that she would provoke a previously apathetic segment to come out in force to negate her. Interesting aspect, that.

    We NEED better candidates, period.

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