Day planner wisdom.

“Peace of mind is that mental condition in which you have accepted the worst.”

– Lin Yutang

So true, isn’t it? Now that the baby thing is behind me, and I’ve accepted it, I can say that I am much more at peace. Funny how you find inspiration in the most unexpected places (in this case, my¬ dreaded day planner). This little blurb lifts me up, and then I read today’s to-do list, and I¬ slam right back down to earth. Somewhere, Stephen Covey is rubbing is bald head and smiling, for his prophecy of unending irony and guilt has been fulfilled.

At stressful times like this, when I have too much going on,¬ I can hear Vendoland’s sweet siren¬ song¬ calling my name like a lost sailor. In particular,¬ I hear a little ditty¬ coming from¬ the¬ Ding Dongs. The corn chips hold their own, churning out¬ a musical response not unlike the banjo duet in “Deliverance.”¬ But the most evil offender is, of course, the Snickers bar. He just sits back in the coil mechanism, humming “The Devil Went Down to Georgia.” He knows he’s the king of all candies, the right arm of Satan himself. He’s fully aware that there isn’t a person alive who hasn’t fallen¬ prey to his chocolatey charms. Fucking Snickers.

I would venture over there, to Vendoland, that is. But I believe it’s break time for the union guys. I don’t want to give them the satisfaction of seeing me and my back fat belly up to my enabler. I would much rather be seen¬ shooting up (not that I do that) than eating junk food in public.¬ Ya’ll know that fat people only eat apples,¬ edamame and Healthy Choice frozen meals, right?

Now tell me. How did this post so quickly move from an inspirational phrase to food? Further proof that indeed, I am a junkie. I am still in Weight¬ Watchers (14 pounds lost). And I am still planning on weight loss surgery (it’ll be about four months from now, I’m told). But¬ I still have these moments. And I imagine I always will.

There is most definitely something wrong with me when it comes¬ to food.¬ Maybe I should pick up a hobby, like glueing together model hot rods or coin collecting. Maybe not coin collecting. You just know¬ that in a moment of desperation, I’d be¬ dropping a vintage Susan B. worth $50 in the vending machine for some Nibs or something. And yes, it would’ve been worth it.¬ The lion must have her kill. (Cue “Circle of Life.”) OK,¬ we’ve officially come back to babies.¬ My work here is done.¬ (Music up full, with wicked pan flute solo.)¬ ¬ ¬



5 thoughts on “Day planner wisdom.”

  1. Okay Sweetness…, I am not trying to enable here, but Snickers is far from the worst choice you’ve listed…, it is, in fact, the best. At least you get some protein and it sticks with you better than the others, tho that greasy, heavy feeling of the corn chips is not to be fucked with, har! I sooooo know what you mean about being seen buying anything that tastes good. I live with one large husband and two piranha boy-children so I usually mentally cringe all the way thru grocery checkout. Someone recently asked me if I have a restaurant. Usually the boys are with me and you can almost hear the thought processes “click” when people notice them pecking away at the last of my sanity.

    On a kinda related theme, I also feel the need to ‘explain’ myself when I buy beer…., I’ve been sober for over 20 years and it just feels so weird.

    Thought about shooting up but just figured I’d be a fat-ass addict…, Also thought about taking up cigarettes again, but figured the end result would be the same…., fat-ass chimney.

    I also recently ‘acquired’ another ‘helpful’ diet aid. My husband decided to lose some weight (read mid-life crisis) so he promptly loses over 40 lbs. in 4 months. As in ‘how hard can it be?!?’ He’s turned into a 14 year old girl over night…., “does this make me look fat? I can’t eat anything else today because I had more than 800 calories already! Have you heard about this latest diet? Wow, I didn’t know there is a whole dieting ‘world’ out there! Gosh!’ Stupid, annoying fuck. He’s telling me all this stuff as if I had never, ever given it any thought. (A little background here–I was a competition level bodybuilder when I discovered I was pregnant with my first child and I know more about nutrition than anyone without a degree has a right to know. By the third difficult pregnancy my right leg was partially paralyzed from a untreated childhood injury and when the baby was weaned I had to have my spine fused and put together with rods & screws & cages, oh my! Then I gained a massive amount of weight, which because I can’t exercise much-only about a 2 1/2 mile walk a day-I can’t seem to shake. But with his sudden ‘insight’ and ‘knowledge’ he’s sure I can do it, if I just get serious. Oh, did I mention I also have to have injections into the spine every couple of months, and live on a daily ration of pain pills and anti-depressants because I have tremendous suicidal tendencies that the doctors but not my husband, take seriously?) ‘My husband…., I think I’ll kill him!’

    So sorry to rant, ramble and rave. Guess my weight is a sore subject, no pun intended.

    Please tell us everything about the weight loss surgery as you go along–I’ve been curious but don’t know anyone who’s actually had it. Why is it in 4 months? Do you have to go thru conditioning or psyche evaluation or stuff like that? Have you tried hypnosis? I was going to have it done but hubby wouldn’t watch the kids for me for one fricking night. Huge fight over that, believe me. I’m still interested in having it done (I live in a semi-rural area and so have to schedule some time to head to the city. You sound like me tho–almost emotionally invested in certain comfort food, and hypnosis can help redirect that need. Hubby went thru it with smoking and it worked (for about 6 years then he said fuck it, I wanna smoke).

    Coming full circle in the circle of life, I wanted to tell you how sorry I am about the baby…, I’ve thought of you almost constantly and tried to figure out some words of comfort but of course, there aren’t any, really. Just, I’m sorry.

  2. notaclue, thanks for your kind words. I’m doing just fine now — I have plenty to be happy about in my life. Baby would’ve been icing. I will manage. I had about three days of occasional tears and piss-offedness, and then I accepted it and moved on. I’m starting to see that there are some benefits to only having one.

    I will keep you posted on the whole weight loss surgery. My insurance (Cigna) says I have to stay on a documented weight loss program for six months before they will consider me for surgery. I feel like saying, “Well, shit! My entire LIFE has been a weight loss program (and obviously an ill-fated one at that).” Oh well. Playa will play the game.

  3. That is a hilarious post. Because the Jungle Drums of Vendoland (brilliant name) are loud here as well. Though the most beautiful soprano in the world is singing me the Nutter Butter Bites song. So small, so crisp, so tasty!

    I love the “fat people only eat…” sentence as well. I know it, sister. My 200-lb frame survives on a diet of raw carrots, jicama and Baked Lays in public. The other day The Only Cute Guy In The Building came in while I was at the vending machine and I felt like I was 14 years old again, blushing, darting out with my guilty purchase hastily stuffed in my pocket.

    I wish you well. I hope to find some sanity somewhere, somehow, someday about this whole food thing.

  4. Insurance companies are sooooo stupid. What, mebbe you wanted this surgery for the fun of the incision?

  5. I have to interject re the six months of weight loss regime prior to surgery.
    My sister had the surgery and she consulted me for a reading before she had it.
    I told her she would come through it okay, which was a big deal, as she was a poor candidate (smoker, overweight).
    I also saw that she would not be able to keep up her end after the surgery.
    She swore that she would.
    She didn’t.
    She gained back the weight she lost after surgery as soon as she got her stomach pouch stretched back.
    If you are not committed to a life of nutrition and discipline, the surgery is just a big hunk o misery.
    Btw, I consider insurance companies to be evil entities that are issued a licence to steal by the government.
    It is well known that food is the only drug readily available to (most) children. That is a tough one to give up because, hey, you gots to eat.
    I wish you well with this, untitled, but consider all angles before going under the knife.

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