The dreaded mix tape.

In our desperate bid to purge our home of all things we’d rather not pack for the move, untitledhusband discovered a crate full of old cassette tapes in our garage. Nestled in between the Martika tape that  he had cracked over his brother’s head and the Bell  Biv Devoe (Oh NOOOO!) tape that made a most excellent ice scraper at one time  was this  curious specimen — a mix tape I had Frankensteined together during my freshman year of college. I can tell it was my freshman year, because any year past that would NOT have included anything by Meatloaf.Was my taste in music ever this unevolved? I’d like to think I came out of the womb channeling Ryan Adams or Wilco. I’d also like to to think that if Peabo Bryson had any plums, he would’ve lifted himself up off of track 12 to kick the shit out of track 13. Not to be outdone, Diana Ross would’ve used one of her false eyelashes as a machete, holding all the others hostage until they could sing Please Mr. Postman in perfect falsetto. That’s right, bitches. Ms. Ross don’t play. And she certainly doesn’t take up residence with the likes of REO Speedwagon.I don’t remember any one incident that inspired this creation. I just recall that guys were never that interested in me — not in high school, and not in college. They always liked my friends, blind mutherfux that they were. This was proof enough for me that yes, I would be single forever, and that all guys WERE assholes. Cause if a guy really is an asshole, there’s nothing like spending an entire Saturday afternoon creating a musical homage in his honor, and then listening to it every day for six months.

Mix Tape: Guys Are Assholes

12 thoughts on “The dreaded mix tape.”

  1. I will not be able to sleep tonight unless you tell me what the scratched out track was!!! Was it a mistake at the time of creation or is it just too embarassing to admit?

  2. you have no idea how much i love your blog. i religiously check your website.
    anyways, that is quite the mix you got going on. nazareth and the smiths and amy grant, sounds to me like you were pretty conflicted as a young adult.
    thats cool. anyways, i never commented before, and i just want to say that when you made the post about your last shot at getting a pregnant a secpond time, i had a dream that night that you were pregnant! i wish you all the good luck in the world!!

  3. I’m not sure what that scratched out track is. I scratched it out back in the day. We’ll never know!

    Kate, thanks for commenting. It feels good knowing that someone else out there finds my ramblings even moderately amusing. I sure hope your dream is right — I should find out in the next few days if this cycle (our last cycle) was successful.

  4. I can make out the scratched out track. It’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler.

  5. HEY! I (still) love Meatloaf! I think I wore out, like, 4 copies of “Bat Out Of Hell”. How can you not luv “Paradise By The Dashboard Lights/Praying For The End Of Time”? A good friend of mine played that at the graveside of her longtime mate for his funeral. I laughed and cried at the same time….,

    “For Crying Out Loud”…., the lyrics always get to me…., feel like it’s about me and hubby…., I know that’s how he feels about me but he can’t express himself as well as that. Sometimes I hafta listen to it just so I won’t hate him for being a jerkface! Ah, the romance of ‘true love’.

  6. This is a riot. I have a list of songs on my blog relating to the purpose of my blog (a long-overdue exorcism of my ex-husband), explaining how they related, and two of the songs are “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” and “Total Eclipse of the Heart”. (Jimmy Steinman wrote both of them, by the way.) [Wendy, I wish my vision were as good as yours.] Like notaclue, I love Meatloaf, but it’s not “still”, it’s an adult onset thing. I totally ignored him when he went by the first time, when I was in college. I have to admit, should I ever find out about my ex’s death (it hasn’t happened yet, despite my having prayed for three years for widowhood and seriously considered committing it), I may be morally obligated to go and play that song by his grave, should I be able to find it.

  7. Anne, you can borrow one of my tapes : )

    If you plan to dance by the graveside, it is totally NOT dignified to do it in heels! hee No touch-down ‘spikes’ either!

  8. notaclue, I may take you up on that tape. If I were to dance in heels for this occasion, it would have to be the platform shoes HE wore to his high school prom along with his mortician suit (before we met). By the time I met him, the shoes were but a fond memory in his “I’m a fashion statement” mind, but the mortician suit (complete with red and white piping) was still a noxious presence with which to be reckoned.


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