What a fucking weekend. I spent the better part of Saturday wretching and heaving from what I suspect was food poisoning. What’s that? You’ve never had food poisoning before? Well let me tell you — when you’re not pissing out your rear end or yakking up your intestines (a sequence that occurs at least every half hour for a 12-hour period), you are lying under blankets, chilled and praying that you don’t shit yourself for a fourth time in one day. Some say that such an ordeal often brings one closer to god. And to that, I couldn’t agree more. At one point, I was fairly certain that I saw a silhouette of the Virgin Mary in my puke bucket. But alas, it was merely lettuce from the offending chicken burrito.
Before all was said and done, I soiled not one, not two, but three pairs of underwear. I can only imagine what sort of nasty bacteria I had ingested for my body to revolt in such a way. untitledhusband thinks my sour cream must’ve gone south. I’m thinking the restaurant cook harvested the guacamole from his asscrack. Aye caramba!
On the upside, I did lose five pounds. Not the easiest way to cut weight, but it’ll do in a pinch. Thank god my Weight Watchers weigh-in is today. There’s got to be some silver lining in this cloud of liquified shit. Now, I’m coping with a puker’s hangover — my entire thoracic region feels like it went through a blender.
In a show of mercy, the demons within allowed me consume some Diet Sprite and crackers on Sunday. And believe me, this was a huge step. The nutrition gave me enough energy to take on what was to be my big project for the weekend — cleaning out our bedroom closet. This is something we do every couple of years, yet I was still able to cull $1300 worth (Goodwill calculations) of clothes. Anything not worn in the past two years went. I said goodbye to several pairs of “mom” jeans (what was I thinking?), some sweaters that prominently display my backfat and three pairs of shoes that looked better in the store than they did on my pudgy feet. untitledhusband ridded himself of his “big” pants and some shirts that make it look like he has man boobs (this is a very sore subject, and he’d be mortified if I knew I was discussing this with you). Yes, this was the weekend where everything went, including an afro wig, a dusty silk ficus tree and my digestive system, for I’m fairly certain I shat out my lower GI in the wee hours of Sunday morning.
Oh, I feel for you! I’ve had food poisoning at least 3 times - and all 3 were when I was out of town staying in a motel. I remember my entire body shaking violently with chills and wanting to die. I can’t believe you had enough energy to clean a closet today!
Holy Shitty weekend Batman. So sorry about pissing out your ass. Been there, hate it.
Hope your feeling better.
I’ve had food poisoning multiple times. I also once caught a wretched 12-hour stomach virus while I was camping in the woods. I slept on the floor of the outhouse because I was too weak to keep walking there. After every bit of food and bile was released from my system, my stomach continued to convulse as if to punish me for attempting a weekend vacation.
Try some chicken broth today with your crackers. It smells like real food, is warm and soothing in your tummy, and might bring a little comfort after a really shitty weekend.
So, so sorry for your food poisoning. Ugh! It’s the worst! On the upside, you did get rid ofthe Afro wig and that has to make you feel better.
My sympathies. I know the horror of the chicken burrito - except mine was a veg burrito that they still managed to smear with E. coli horror…Urk. I can still feel that feeling…the bonus for me was that it was the first day of a new job….”Hi, this is your new employee and I’m SICK ALREADY! Honest, I’m not a total loser, I’m really sick…”
I’ve gotta hand to you when you spring clean you ain’t kidding. You go all out, including your intestines and all tummy related insides.
Food poisoning and stomach flus are debilitating so be careful to avoid dehydration. Replenish your drained body with liquids. Hope you’re feeling better soon!
Or…you could be preggers.
But I never had the big poop part of pregnancy til the end.
Fast food is evil, it isn’t really food at all.
Don’t eat that shytte anymore.
Really.
I mean it.
Evil.
Witchy, this was way beyond morning sickness. I’m guessing if we were able to conceive this month, I probably shat the cells out with everything else in my body. But hey, thanks for the positive spin!