Neuter me.

Bumper Nuts

Have you SEEN these things? Bumper Nuts, they’re called. I pulled up behind an old Ford truck at a stoplight the other day, and he had a pair of these hanging from his bumper. I wasn’t able to whip out my digital camera fast enough, for once the light turned green, he took off like a bat out of hell (not that I expected him to do anything less).

When you go to the Bumper Nuts web site, they seem to be targeting truck owners. But I do believe they are missing a key market – mini van owners. I mean, if you’re a man and you’re driving around an old Dodge Caravan with rancid sippy cups rolling around the back, you probably spend the majority of your time yearning for your long lost balls — the ones you surrendered when you slid behind the wheel. Stick a pair of Bumper Nuts on the back, right next to the soccer ball decal and the Mary Kay sticker, and you’re good to go. No one will question your manhood again.

What’s that? What will you do on Sundays, or when you need to attend PTA meetings, bake sales and quilting bees? No worries. You can discretely cover your Bumper Nuts with a Nut Sack. It’s a little sacthel-type thing they sell to drape over your Bumper Nuts when you’re feeling not-so-ballsy. Laugh if you will, but realize that somewhere, someone is getting rich off this idea.

12 thoughts on “Neuter me.”

  1. Holy crap. Bumper nuts, and of course, the nut sack. I mean, no one wants their preacher to see their bumper nuts. Although, if you asked, I’d be the preacher would prefer not to see their nut sack either…

  2. WHERE do you live???? I haven’t seen anything like this in my neighborhood. Maybe I’m just not looking carefully enough, but I’m think I’d notice bumper nuts even before I’ve had my morning coffee.

  3. No… I haven’t seen them, but I’m guessing that’s because I don’t live in Alabama anymore. I’m sure they are all the rage down there. You can probebly get them as a dealer-installed option.

  4. i have to admit — i find them both disgusting and funny at the same time. watching them bounce down the road behind a truck is hilarious. i think i’m laughing more AT the owner instead of with.

    though you bring up a good point marcilambert — i’m not sure what i’d tell untitledson if he saw them. does anyone have any good rated G explanations?:)

  5. Oh God. I live in Missouri, the Redneck State, and those things are everywhere. They are hanging from old trucks inbetween the Bush/Cheney ’00 sticker, the ‘I Stop for Shootin’ Stuff’ and the huge GIT’R’DONE bumper sticker.

    Please save me.

  6. The guy should just wear his “nutsack” and he can use them on the rearview of any vehicle he drives. Yee-hah!

  7. Oh. My. Gods.

    TOO FUNNY!!!

    Unfortunately, I haven’t seen any of these in RL either. You’d think they’d be everywhere, here in Texas.

    Thankfully the Small one is too young to notice…

  8. Oooooo-kay…., I did not know this but these are a variation on an old bull-haulers (cattle transport, semi-driver) bumper attachment. I was telling hubby (truck driver) about these last night because my 11 year old son & I had laughed ourselves silly over these earlier during the day. Apparently, bull-haulers ‘advertised’ themselves like this by putting two tennis balls in a nylon stocking and tying them to the bumper of the truck. The dirtier and dustier they got, the more they looked like the real thing. Knowing how much nylon can stretch, I can imagine how they would ‘bounce’ up & down going down the road–too funny. He thought for sure that I had seen them before because I used to ride with him (before kids!) but I honestly don’t remember seeing them.
    Oh, the things you can learn from a trucker!

  9. I imagine some cowpokes are poking these into their pants before going out on Saturday night. Instead of a Wonder Bra you get Wonder Nuts.

  10. crap. i’ve just found out from marcilamberthusband that he has seen these. while out with our children! i don’t think they noticed.

    i’m no prude, but i really think one should keep ones’ bumper nuts to oneself. can’t you just hang ’em in the shower?

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