Yes, it was the Cher song that got me.

A new Weight Watchers group is starting up here at work. I know it’s something I should do, and something I can do (at least for a few weeks). But is it something I want to do? No, no, I can’t ask myself that question. It is something I NEED do.

You see, we had our family pictures taken last week, and I had that whole Jabba the Hut thing going on. Untitledhusband and untitledson looked all dashing, and there was me, looking all gelatinous and such. As if I don’t provide myself with enough nourishment, my neck decided to swallow my head. And unfortunately, there is no Photoshop brush or filter that can make one lose, oh, 100 pounds.

I did do Weight Watchers once before, and lost about 17 pounds, which is pissing in the pudding for me. Of course, no one noticed the loss (untitledhusband said he did, but I think he was just playing along). All in all, I was surprised at how relatively easy it was.

So why did I quit? My weight had plateued, and quite honestly, I was growing tired of paying $12 a week to have someone weigh me and wax on about the redeeming qualities of zucchini. As it turns out, I obviously need to pay someone $12 a week to weigh me.

If for no other reason, I need to lose weight so I can tell Lane Bryant to go fuck themselves. All fat chicks have a love/hate relationship with LB. They are the only store that makes decent underwear in our size (even if they are $18 a pair), but they are also notorious for making things like crop tops, sequined thongs and skin-tight sweaters for people who have no business wearing such things. Right now, there is an entire village in China that is repurposing the specimens that didn’t sell into pop can coozies and aqua socks.

One nice thing about dropping a few pounds will be a reduction in my acne. Right now, I have a zit on my jowl that has got me wondering if it’s actually my undeveloped Siamese twin. I have taken to calling her Ziggy, just in case. My luck, she’ll continue to grow until her mouth becomes apparent, at which point my Weight Watchers leader will insist on charging me for a second membership.

Perhaps this is a sign that I should wait a few weeks before signing up for the program. And besides, I still have an unopened bag of Pepperidge Farm Raspberry Apricot Veronas at home. Weight Watchers or no Weight Watchers, I won’t leave a fellow soldier behind. If I was given one hour to live, you can be damn well sure I’d be holed up somewhere having one last cookie orgy.

So if in the next few weeks you read some crazy post about me covering my Weight Watchers Points abacus in chocolate syrup and eating it, or how I’ve left untitledhusband for Twinkie the Kid, well, you can’t say I didn’t warn you.

17 thoughts on “Yes, it was the Cher song that got me.”

  1. OMG, between your neck swallowing your head and Ziggy developing a mouth and being charged a membership fee, I couldn’t stop laughing.

    Wonder how many calories I burned shaking my Botticelli belly with all that laughing? Will laughing give me abs of steel? Would anyone notice abs of steel hidden under mound of bread-dough like flesh? Don’t answer that question….

  2. How odd is it that the initials for Lane Bryant stand for the abbreviation of pound!?!? Intended or not…oh, the irony.

  3. Welcome back to the Bandwagon of Hell, untitled. I’m starting back next week, befoer the free enrollment ends.

  4. I tried Weight Watchers once. I was doing okay until I went on vacation for two weeks and gained back all of the weight. My leader was not pleased. In your face Sherryl Anne!

  5. I love Lane Bryant and yes I do hate her also. I don’t know if I should be wearing daisy bikini underwear, but I sure like them. Good luck with WW. I already hate who ever is going to weigh you cuz I know’s she’s going to be the type to eat a saltine cracker once a day and be full. Screw her anyways.

  6. I started WW three weeks ago. Not working for me. I obsess about food way more when I have to count points, then I’m hungry and feel deprived all the time. Plus my leader is a freakin’ freakshow. Waste of $120. Just my 2 cents.

  7. I checked out the skirt Sandi linked to. It’s a crime against nature. And the description’s use of the phrase “intriguing wrinkles” was TOO MUCH. That’s like saying a zit has a “rosy glow.”

  8. When you’ve fully and properly prepared yourself, I’ll let you in on my secret recipe for one-point-chocolate-brownie-muffins.

    That is, if you don’t google the recipe first. Yum.

    Also, where’s my f*ckin’ tracker….

  9. Dieting. Feh. It is just the needed level of obsession that I can’t maintain. Ironic that a diet has to be all-consuming to work.

    Yesterday I was going to quit sugar. Having 4 ginger cookies between bkfst and lunch made me swear. Then today someone from work came back from Hawaii with honey roasted macadamias!! Shit! I ate about 60 of them (200 calories per oz). Then tonight I was cold so I made hot chocolate…duh.

    I must admit I am an addict.

  10. I’ve been considering signing up for WW as a motivational influence and your post -albeit hilarious- hit on a question that has been nagging at me. Do I really need to pay someone just to weigh me and give me a positive outlook on zucchini? I’m still thinking about it and “weighing” my options.

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