Open letter to the Outbreak Monkey.

What is it with people refusing to stay at home when they are sick? I mean, GODDAMN, people.

Last week, the Diet Coke Bandit insisted on coming to work regardless of the fact that she was packing the black death. Since I grew up in a household with two smoking parents, the slightest cold sends me on a journey into the Shadow of Death. This last week, I spent a total of three full days on my sofa in a viral-fueled hallucination, coughing out husky reditions of Salman Rushdie’s “Satanic Verses.”

But what really pisses me off is the fact that I can’t talk in anything but a whisper, lest I break out in uncontrollable hacks. I can’t taste food, not even hot wings, which is a goddamn shame. And I pee my pants just a little bit every hour, on the hour, due to the sheer force of my coughing. In fact, I’m feeling a little trickle right now. Or is that an air bubble. Fuck. Me.

Following each indignity, I find myself cursing the name of DCB. Given the depths of my discomfort, I have made a conscious decision to sully DCB’s name until her dying day. Or mine. Whichever comes first. And since the lung I just coughed up is lying in repose on top of my keyboard in a heaving, steaming pile, it seems I’ve only got a few more minutes to say my peace.

First off, there is no shame in staying home from work when you are sick. It’s not considered cutting or ditching when you’re protecting the rest of us from your nastiness. On the contrary, it is a show of respect for your co-workers and their spouses and their kids and all the little minions at daycare whose soft pink lungs would be far better off without infected green loogies hanging like unripe bananas off the branches of their bronchii. But since my outrage is brutally outweighed by my amiable nature and wussiness in general, tomorrow will find me silent at my desk. But make no mistake — I WILL find the time to commando my way to the mailroom and wipe my sticky kleenex all over her mailbox when she’s not looking. Take that, beotch.

11 thoughts on “Open letter to the Outbreak Monkey.”

  1. Awww. This is lame, but get well soon. Picture a teddy bear, balloons and an extremely irritating cartoon card, the singing kind.

  2. I just want to kill all those hacking and sneezing mofos in the cubicles around me. What the fuck is so important about what we do that we can’t take a day off? That’s right, morons, NOTHING!!

  3. The school my kids attend got shut down a few weeks ago due to a norovirus outbreak. Why did this happen? Because some dumb fuck parents sent their kids to school sick. That’s right, hard as it is to understand, those assholes packed their puking kids in the car and dumped them at the school door. Never mind the fact that they are responsible for the health department shutting down the school, nooo, let’s go a little deeper. How do you think those poor kids felt being sick and knowing that his/her parents don’t care enough to nurture? If I see one more kid puking in the school parking lot, while mommy or daddy tries to hide the fact that the kid is doing it – oh my God…I will totally go postal!!

  4. oh Jeanne, I felt like crying when I read that…., you know that’s exactly how the poor little kid feels, don’t you. That bites, big time.

    Untitled, please, please, please do that thing (from previous comments) with the fresh condom and the liquid soap!!! I’m kinda wishing someone would piss me off enough to do that to…., so deliciously warped and evil and I would kill to see her face when she realized what it was, lmfao!

  5. I am so in that place right now. Why can’t they stay their sick asses at home? After two long painful days at home, I have brought my dragging ass back to work…however I made damn sure to cough up what is left of my right lung as I walked past them.

    Get Better Soon!!!

  6. I propose this.

    Find her lunch. Or soad. Or drink. Anything withing the fridge.

    Stick it up your hoo haa.

    There you go. Revenge received. Now, whenever she drinks her Evian, you know…HA…that’s my katuchy pa poochie.

  7. My Spanish teacher gave us a lecture today about illnesses and while people were giving presentations, he sat in the back and sneezed repeatedly on himself and on the spare desk. In between ACHOO!’s he scolded someone for not covering their mouths …

    I luuurve my teachers.

  8. It’s a perceived method to scale the corporate ladder….I’m sick but soooooo dedicated. If the office were girl-scouts they’d all be wearing a fucking martyr badge.

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