For a woman whose titties have not seen daylight since Wink Martindale had a full-time gig, untitledmother sure has a fancy collection of bras. She has a few practical bras — the ugly yet comfortable ones you wear every day. The rest are the kind that look best on the bedroom floor, which is a tad unnerving.
Lace, satin, push-up, microfiber. In every color from basic white to seafoam green. The carpet may not match the drapes, but on any given day, you can bet the boulder holder matches the sofa. Which is an ideal situation, since that is where she spends most of her time, eating dry roasted peanutes, digging in her ear with a bobby pin and watching re-runs of “Gunsmoke.”
This is a woman who spends more on spandex than some countries spend on foreign trade. You know how people often have a tall boy dresser in their bedroom? untitledmother has an entire tall boy dedicated solely to bras, panties and socks. What’s a woman to do with more than five bras, anyway? I mean, bras are kind of like shoes — no matter how many you have, you end up wearing only two or three of them anyway. Besides, having this much stretchy material in your life is never a good thing.
Personally, I think she has ordered every possible article of clothing available in her size, and now there is nothing left to buy except underwear. I don’t care if she’s wearing a $75 Wacoal — untitledmother’s titties still look like two Virginia hams that would be best left strung up in the smokehouse. I wonder what she does with all the old models. I’m guessing she throws them. And you know that shit don’t biodegrade. They’ll be sitting in a landfill, until an archaeologist finds them in 1,000 years and mistakes them for yarmelkes.
Hmmm. Perhaps I can convince her to recycle or re-use. Let’s see — she could could cut them in half and fashion coin purses or maybe hobo bags out of them. She could hang them from trees, creating nests for wayward condors and bald eagles (the voluminous cuppage might throw smaller birds off their migratory path). I know — she could give them to her granddaughter to use as papsan chairs or space pods for her Barbie dolls. Coming from a girl who once used a Kleenex box as a Barbie Corvette, I think I like that idea the best. Now, if we could only find a place in Barbie’s world for grandma’s half-used tube of K-Y…