Archive for January, 2006 Page 2 of 3



Diagnosis murder.

untitledhusband’s youngest brother is a sociopath. At least, that’s what we have surmised, based on our random observations over the past 21 or so years. Since we’re the only ones in the family to recognize the signs, it is starting to create some conflict for us. Should we bring this up at the next family gathering? Should we leave a copy of “So Your Son is a Sociopath” in untitledmother-in-law’s mailbox?

Perhaps I need to give you a little background. Break out your mail-order PhD’s and start the clock, people. The session has begun.

When untitledbrother-in-law was four, he started the family home on fire not once, but twice. Don’t even ask how a four-year old got a hold of matches, cause I don’t know. At the age of 12, he damn near beat our cat to death with his bare hands. We came home to find the poor cat panting, and his eyes were dilated – both signs of extreme physical trauma. On another occasion, he was caught beating a tied-up dog with a broom. No injuries there, thank god – just a rightfully pissed-off dog. And at age 16, while caring for the neighbor’s dog, the animal mysteriously died. OK, now if this were your kid, wouldn’t you find it odd that most animals in your child’s presence are either injured or dead? Would you not be sleeping with a crucifix and a tazer gun, you know, just in case?

After achieving his goal of not only maiming, but killing, another living being, he made the jump from animals to humans. At the age of 20, when he was babysitting his one year-old cousin, the walker she was in spontaneously broke into a zillion little pieces. He told everyone that he was playing a game with her, and that the walker bumped into the wall and shattered. The child was not visibly injured. We were like, “OH. MY. GOD.” Everyone else was like, “Oh those cheap walkers. We’ll have to get her a new one.”

This history, coupled with the fact that he has no emotion – no ups, no downs – has led us to our diagnosis. Surprisingly, no one else in the family sees what we see. I once read that one in 10 people is a sociopath.

As for right now, untitledbrother-in-law is a 21-year old college drop-out. The only bloodshed that we are currently aware of results from his habit of routinely bleeding his parents dry. Perhaps if he would’ve stayed in school, he would’ve learned that if you’re going to make a career out of extorting money from people, you should choose those whose household income is more than $45k a year.

From our vantage point, we see him blowing his money on beer and tattoos (one, ironically, is of barbed wire) and titty bars and $5 mochas and then asking his parents for groceries and gas and rent. This cycle of bouncing checks, asking for money and bouncing more checks just goes on and on.

What slays us are the never-ending excuses dished out by untitledmother-in-law. “He was adopted and who knows what he endured as a baby.” “Deep down, he is a GOOD KID.” Good kid? No no no. Good kids are building irrigation systems in Africa and volunteering at nursing homes and selling lemonade for cancer research. This kid – he is not so good.

untitledhusband and I, we try to stay out of it, cause really, it’s none of our business. And even if we wanted to make it our business, what could we do? We could broach the subject with untitled-mother-in-law and untitledstepfather-in-law, but they wouldn’t believe us. They’d end up hating us, and untitledbrother-in-law would become a martyr.

We go back and forth as to whether we are overreacting or not. Do we have a predator in our midst, or is this simply a young man who will spend the rest of his days working at Seven Eleven and kicking puppies? I wonder if this is the inner turmoil that Jeffrey Dahmer’s family felt as they weighed their suspicions against that little voice that kept saying, “Nah, he’s fine. He’s just a little…different. That’s it. DIFFERENT. He’s our son, he’s our brother. He’s FINE.”

Adventures in sperminating.

I went to a fertility specialist last week. We’ve been trying to get pregnant for about a year now, and nothing so far. The doctor asked a lot of questions, and they ran a lot of tests, including a complete blood panel (normal), hormone levels (normal), and a vaginal ultrasound. A WHAT, you say? Vaginal ultrasound — and it’s exactly what it sounds like. They stick a a probe up your cooter to get ultrasound images of your ovaries. Turns out mine have a few cysts on them. This, in addition with some other unpleasant symptoms (like the sasquatch hair that would be sprouting from my chin, if not for my obsessive tweezing ritual), gave me a diagnosis of polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).

I am now on medicine called Metformin, which in addition to the Femara, should help coax the eggs down. Before, it was just me, my calendar and a few ovulation detector sticks waging this battle. Now, I’ve got science on my side. In about a week, I have another dream date with the vaginal probe (helloooooo, friend!) to see how big my eggs are, and if they are ready to come out and play. Then the doc will give me a shot to release an egg. Pharmaceuticals. Gotta love ‘em.

As part of this science project, the doc also wants to test you-know-who’s spoo. The process goes something like this — after untitledhusband gets up close and personal with a specimen jar, I rush it to the lab in less than 30 minutes so they can see if the boys have their sea legs. This has been tough to schedule, with our busy lives and such. Since he was working from home the other day, I decided to run home over lunch and get the sample, which I would then run over to the lab. Perfect, right? Well, I get home and there sits the brown paper sack, which contains the collection jar which contains the spoo. Next to it are some heart-shaped candies, which I thought was a romantic touch, given the situation. It would’ve been a Hallmark moment, if not for the fact that the specimen had been sitting there for the past hour. My mind raced back to when I was seven years old, watching a plastic aquarium full of dead Sea Monkeys.

All foibles aside, my gut tells me that one of these months, we’re going to be successful and all this trauma will take a backseat to bouts of morning sickness (which always hits me at night) and heated discussions on the name Owen versus Octavius. Of course, if we make it happen, untitledhusband will have to break it off with Little Miss Rubbermaid. But I’m sure he’ll adjust.

The reason men don’t bear children.

“It says here 35-42 pounds. Is that how heavy the diaper can get before you have to change it?”

Confused grandfatherly-looking man, trying to pick out diapers at Target.

Canned.

Today, I made my quarterly trip to the can recycling center at Wal-Mart. Tossing my pride to the wind, I embraced my inner bag lady and rolled on up with no less than seven garbage bags full of empty pop cans (most of which were produced by untitledhusband and his six-can-a-day Diet Coke habit). Consuming the amount of artificial sweeteners and chemicals that he does, I would not so much as raise one over-tweezed eyebrow if he were to shit out a kidney one of these days. But I digress.

After today’s visit, I staunchly stand by my claim that the Wal-Mart can recycling center spawns more malaise, discontent and civil unrest than Al-Qaeda, the Catholic church and George Bush combined. All the ingredients are there — desperation, malfunctioning machines, disease-spreading pop can spoo. Add to the mix a few toothless NASCAR fans, a screaming toddler and some hung-over twenty-somethings turning in their beer cans, and KERPLEWIE! It’s a powder keg ready to blow. And on this particular day, that’s just what happened.

I was standing there with my mountain of cans when things went all Jerry Springer. This lady (whom I should’ve know was batshit crazy by the jaunty tilt of her polar fleece chapeau) starts going off on this normal-looking woman standing next to her. At first, I thought the two were joking with each other. Being elbow-to-elbow in hell’s foxhole can make old friends out of anyone. But this wasn’t the case. No, these two weren’t swapping rhubarb pie recipes. Indeed, these bitches were about to throw down.

Once I sensed the impending scuffle, I backed my cart up a few feet and eagerly waited for crazy hat lady to pop out her teeth and start delivering pokes. But alas, we were saved by the overflow of crushed pop cans in the normal lady’s machine. Once it quit working, she high-tailed it out of there. Both women finished their business and went their seperate ways.

Cart of Pop Cans

After recycling what amounted to 400 pop cans, I was damn near ready to march on back to the fine cutlery aisle and saw off my weary, contaminated hands with a 50-cent steak knife. Craziness. It’s contagious.

House of wax.

A few weeks ago, untitledhusband called my attention to the increasing level of stank emanating from our dog. The bouquet was one of old socks, corn chips and parmesan cheese. If you have a dog, I’m sure you can pick up what I’m droppin’.

He is getting older, we thought. And isn’t that what old dogs do? Yes, it is. Indeed, stinking is what they do best. Their mouths stink. Their paw pads stink. Their throbbing little pink buttholes stink. So being the attentive pet owners that we are, we didn’t give it another thought. We took to doubling up on his doggie baths and saying “that dawwwwwwwwwwg STINKS!” whenever he mosied our way. Even untitledson took up the battle cry. And how cute was that.

Fast forward a few weeks. We’re at the vet’s office, getting untitleddog his yearly vaccinations. During the perfunctory exam, the doc took one look in his ear and said, “Has he been itching this ear a lot, or shaking his head?” I thought about it, and realized that even if he had been ramming his ear into the wall on an hourly basis, we probably would’ve thanked god that The Wiggles had finally added some rude slap bass to their ensemble.

To uncover the root of the problem, the vet takes a 12-inch q-tip and proceeds to scoop out what had to be a half-cup of brown ear goop — a sure sign of an advanced ear infection, he says. I’m sure he was thinking what horrible dog owners we must be, not to notice the fungal equivalent of a panini loaf baking in our dog’s ear over the past few months. But all I could do was wonder exactly how much of that foul marmalade had flaked off and accumulated in the crevices of our sofa and at the foot of our bed.

Five days and five doses of ear drops later, we were able to reclaim our diginity as decent, upstanding dog owners. But on the downside, we now have to find another place to rise our pizza dough.