House of wax.

A few weeks ago, untitledhusband called my attention to the increasing level of stank emanating from our dog. The bouquet was one of old socks, corn chips and parmesan cheese. If you have a dog, I’m sure you can pick up what I’m droppin’.

He is getting older, we thought. And isn’t that what old dogs do? Yes, it is. Indeed, stinking is what they do best. Their mouths stink. Their paw pads stink. Their throbbing little pink buttholes stink. So being the attentive pet owners that we are, we didn’t give it another thought. We took to doubling up on his doggie baths and saying “that dawwwwwwwwwwg STINKS!” whenever he mosied our way. Even untitledson took up the battle cry. And how cute was that.

Fast forward a few weeks. We’re at the vet’s office, getting untitleddog his yearly vaccinations. During the perfunctory exam, the doc took one look in his ear and said, “Has he been itching this ear a lot, or shaking his head?” I thought about it, and realized that even if he had been ramming his ear into the wall on an hourly basis, we probably would’ve thanked god that The Wiggles had finally added some rude slap bass to their ensemble.

To uncover the root of the problem, the vet takes a 12-inch q-tip and proceeds to scoop out what had to be a half-cup of brown ear goop — a sure sign of an advanced ear infection, he says. I’m sure he was thinking what horrible dog owners we must be, not to notice the fungal equivalent of a panini loaf baking in our dog’s ear over the past few months. But all I could do was wonder exactly how much of that foul marmalade had flaked off and accumulated in the crevices of our sofa and at the foot of our bed.

Five days and five doses of ear drops later, we were able to reclaim our diginity as decent, upstanding dog owners. But on the downside, we now have to find another place to rise our pizza dough.

16 thoughts on “House of wax.”

  1. so does he not stink anymore? I clean my dogs ears weekly (she has long silky/fluffy ears that fold over) but think maybe there’s something in there I’m not getting (c’mon how many dogs are gonna let you really check down where it would be?) because I think she gets pretty smelly even tho she gets a weekly bath (hey, I have three boys–she’s kinda like my living Barbie Doll, except her hair grows back if I cut it badly!)

  2. That completely grossed me out, but I can relate! My cat had an absess on his face and it smelled like rotten eggs. It was awful.

  3. notaclue – he still stinks, but now he just smells like cornchips, instead of rotten cornchips.

    wordgirl – i know a certain dog who would have loved to have taken care of that throw up for you.

  4. I don’t know why any of you are not seeing the very simple, cost effective solution to this problem. Many a time, do our cars not reek? And what do we do? Go to a gas station and get a little Christmas tree. Or, for the fancy ones in the group, get a Yankee Candle thingamabob. Put it around the dog’s collar, and ta da. Fresh car smell.

    Slash what about squeezing the anal glands? Is that a real thing, or am I making it up?

  5. No, John, unfortunately the anal glands are the real deal. Luckily, in his old age, untitleddog has dried up in the anal gland region. However, when he was a young pup, it never failed. We’d be holding him on our lap in the car (going somewhere important, no doubt), and his anal glands would burst on our jeans. We even had a saying for it: “The juice is loose!” And, what’s even more disgusting, he’d get all embarassed and turn around on our lap and LICK IT UP.

    REPUGNANT. SHIT. But we still love the crusty old fuck.

  6. ewwwwww, ewwwwww, ewwwwwww! I thought the whole thing about the anal glands was that they had to be squeezed or something. Sorry but my dog would probably die…., or maybe I could teach my husband how to do it–yeah the guy who threw up because of changing a dirty diaper!!

  7. I was gonna suggest this earlier (I’m quite surprised no one has mentioned it since…) but there is this ear powder you can buy from petco or petsmart whichever you prefer that will help with your dog’s ear stink. I hope this link works for the sake of your dog’s ears and your noses. If not google the name: Pet Gold Ear Powder for Dogs & Cats

  8. I’m going to read this entry every day when I first get up so I’ll lose my appetite, stop eating, lose 10 pounds, and put some slack in my too-tight pants.

  9. I can SO identify with the corn chip thing….what in the world causes their feet to smell like that? We call our dog Ol’ Freeto feet….nasty!

    Love your blog!

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