A little holiday mommadrama.

One week out from Christmas, and the flurry of cards is starting to come in. My personal favorites are the ones where they simply sign their name. What, no letter? No picture? People, seriously. Don’t even bother wasting good postage on that shit.

As verbose as I can be, it may come as a surprise that untitledmother is one such name-signer. Last year, she sent a Christmas card featuring nothing more than her name and a gold-embossed baby Jesus. Talk about the odd couple.

So there he was, a clearly Caucasian, clearly 6-month old baby lying naked in a bed of hay. I mean, let’s be honest. A baby with that kind of girth could never squeeze through a woman’s cooch, even if it belonged to one blessed virgin. Between this and the cradle of hay, it’s all the proof I need that the Bible is a sham. It would take all the Desitin in the world to un-chap baby Jesus’ ass. Unless, of course, being the son of God and all meant he would never be burdened with such mortal irritations. But then what about the nails in the hands and feet and that bloody crown of thorns? What were those, if not huge motherfucking mortal irritations? But I digress.

This year, she decided to give the Christ child a rest (a much-needed sabbatical, I might add) and pull some holiday ha-ha squarely out her ass:

What about me?  Where are my presents?  Sorry, you're ugly.

Now, from anyone else, this card would be hilarious. But coming from her, I immediately start looking for the hidden Satanic backmasking track. And then it came to me — this was a cry for help. She had been depressed lately, which wasn’t a huge surprise to me. Her weight had increased to 240 pounds, which is a lot for someone who is 4’11”. Her legs are sand-crab skinny, and although I have never measured it, I can confidently report that the circumference of her neck is more than likely greater than that of her head. Her proportions are such that she could dress up as a plumb bob for Halloween wearing nothing more than what’s already in her closet. To top it off, she teases her thinning bleach-blonde hair into this shell-like formation that hovers defiantly above her scalp. A few spins in a department store’s revolving door and I’d dare you to deny the resemblance to one of those troll dolls.

Now that you have a visual cemented in your brain, her Christmas card takes on new meaning, doesn’t it? Don’t you all of a sudden feel bad for her, as if she was that poor little man on the rooftop? I no sooner had pulled her card out of the envelope when I picked up the phone to call her. True, she has dumped a lot of shit on me in the past, but I wanted to make sure she was OK. I wanted her to know that even if she was one beanie shy of becoming Humpty Dumpty, by god her daughter would come through. When she answered, the first thing she said was, “Did you get my card?” I replied, “Yes, Mom, I did.” Before I could extend even a singular word of support, she blurts out, “Now I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings with that card. It was meant to be funny.” Oh snap!

All this goes to prove one point. Physically, my mom may be ugly. But her most ghastly feature is that which you cannot see.

16 thoughts on “A little holiday mommadrama.”

  1. Give her a troll for Christmas but first style the hair into a helmet. Then add a note, “I hope you’re not insulted, this was supposed to be funny!” She can display it PROMINENTLY in her guest room.

  2. oh geez, I’m sorry, I ‘got it’ right away…, I’m pretty sure our moms are twins separated @ birth but with both of them being the ‘evil twin’. I felt right away like the little person on the rooftop.., talk about well trained, indeed.

  3. I too noticed the “evil” in the bottom right corner of that card, or is it “devil”? My mother does that too, reels me in just to blind side me with her BS.
    She did that at Thanksgiving. Made a point to mention something about a cooking show person and I had not heard of them, but my husband had and I got “I knew he’d know who I was talking about”. She will compliment our spouses (my sisters and I) all day long, and she tends to repeat it over and over and over and over about how lucky we are to have them. As if my sisters and I had no part in picking these men. ERgh

  4. My mother-in-law is just like that. I get blind-sided by similar comments. I’m always on the lookout, but they’re usually said like this, “Oh, you look so much better today, like you’ve had a good rest. Looked like you had black eyes last night, but now you look so relaxed.

    Thanks? I think?

    Here’s another of her gems… After my mom died suddenly at 53 from a cerebral hemorrhage, mother in law and I were looking at my family photos a week or so later and she said, “Oh your mom was so beautiful when she was young. She must have felt worse than she let on, because she really let herself go at the end.”

    Didn’t see that one coming either.

    I can surely sympathize.

  5. Jennifer, your m-i-l sounds like a real cow. Sorry she had to do that when you were probably still hurting badly.
    Do you ever worry that viciousness could be hereditary? I know I look at my children and look for sociopathic tendancies (none found either–lucky us!)

  6. Notaclue, thanks for what you said. That thought about hereditary vicousness is scary. I haven’t seen it in our kids yet either (thank goodness!). Be that as it may, my children don’t have any unsupervised time with MIL because they could learn how to act that way by imitating her behavior. Who needs that?

  7. Oh, dear. Looks like all the Evil siblings humped their way to the PO this week. Received our card today addressed “To a Wonderful Daughter and Son-in-Law” with blah, blah, blah about how great family is and how we’re all here to support one another. From a woman who hasn’t spoken to her grandsons in over 2 years and hasn’t seen them in almost 5.

    Okay, so now that I’ve lightened up the room with my holiday cheer…..

  8. Okay, here’s one your not going to believe–I barely can and I live this life. My eldest son used to be able to stay at my moms’ in the summer for one week…., UNTIL…., He came home from his last (ever!!!) trip and asked “why does grandma smoke a funny pipe?” The bitch had him holding her BOWL while she was driving them to the lake to go fishing. AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!
    I don’t care about pot, I think it should be legal. But it’s NOT, so nobody, but nobody smokes around my kids or even opines that it’s anything but wrong. I figure once they reach adulthood they can make their own choices but not until they’ve experience reality fully.
    BTW, my eldest is now 23, totally awesome, holds my views about pot and jeez, totally avoids his grandma. And she doesn’t understand why(!?!?!)

  9. *Things that don’t look/sound like a joke…but are later presented as such.
    *Things that are funny…but then are later revealed to be heartbreakingly true.

    These are a few of my most UN-favorite things.

  10. Ugh is right. Notclue wins. Pot-smokin’ granny lighting up in front of the kid is a nastiness that’s hard to beat. That would make me nuts. Notaclueson sounds like he has his act together. Good for him.

    The thing I hate the most about the holidays is having to use up my days off (lifehours I’ll never get back) spending time with such challenging people. I’d love to have my husband and kids to myself.

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