untitledeye: Museum of Worthless Curiosities.

Feast your eyes, people. For you are about to embark upon a tour of the Museum of Worthless Curiosities. Housed in untitledmother-in-law’s guest bedroom, the MWC is a one-of-a-kind collection that has been years, if not decades, in the making. A result of crafty 4-H leaders and well-meaning relatives that just had to bring back something from their trip to the World Pork Expo, the MWC features unique artifacts that you’d be hard-pressed to find anywhere else (unless you frequent the Goodwill store or church bazaars, of course).

Our first stop is Sleepy Eye, the droop-eyed owl. He is being punished, you see, for cutting macramé class and smoking too much weed. Now he spends his days hanging from a wall with a nail up his ass. From his perch, he will forever pine for his beloved bong, which he thinks may be stowed under the driver’s seat of his Camaro, right next to his Guns N Roses CD and the remnants of a petrified bean burrito. If he only knew that untitledmother-in-law mistook it for an antique hurricane lamp and placed it on the living room mantle.

Sleepy Eye the Owl - Wanna get hiiiigh???

Next up is Cat Mandu. This is one pussy that will never go to tuna town, for he has been hermetically preserved through the lost art of decoupage on what appears to be the knotty stump of a young tree. Now don’t get all misty-eyed on me. You and I both know that eventually, he would’ve ended up hacking up hairballs on the new sofa and pooping in the bedroom whenever his litter box was even the least bit soiled. Admit it. He had it coming.

Cat Mandu

Last on our tour is this calico sculpture-thingy, which we have lovingly dubbed “Cuntry Heart.” This piece was once a fashionable staple of home décor, back in the days when Juice Newton was on the radio and your favorite pair of jeans had a lace-up roller skate on the back pocket. When not on display as wall art, the heart also serves as a makeshift panty hose drying rack or even an auto-erotic asphyxiation device.

Cuntry Heart

That brings our tour of the MWC to an end. These are but a few of the artifacts that comprise the permanent collection. As your curator and docent, I will continue to post the occasional oddities for your review. And yes, in case you’re wondering, the MWC does take donations.

12 thoughts on “untitledeye: Museum of Worthless Curiosities.”

  1. Since you’re taking donations I have a few “special” pieces from mom-in-law’s collection. Everytime I mention the phrase “let’s just throw them out”… she runs between the item and moi, using her body as a shield to protect the sacred relic. “No, I mustn’t… it’s a gift, what if so-and-so comes by and doesn’t see it. Oh my, the disgrace!” (So-and-so has died but his/her gaudy gift keeps on “giving”.

  2. Oh untitled, you and your lace-trimmed cuntry heart had me laughing out loud.

    My mom had a framed paint-by-number of deer standing on sparkly snow, given to her by some sweet lady with bad taste. These are the precious family heirlooms that deserve to be preserved–in a landfill under a mountain of DIRT.

  3. Have you ever thought that ugly wall stuff is an incentive not to stay too long?
    Just wondering…
    My Dad always nervously counts my bags when I come for a visit.

  4. My MIL has a lovely, large, expensive house that is beautifully decorated. Unfortunately, she shares her tastefully appointed home with a cat that is, swear to god, 23 YEARS OLD. Kitty is blind, deaf, senile, and pisses and shits wherever she happens to be. My poor kids had to sleep in the bedroom where the cat hangs out the most, and the stench was unreal. Every time I went into the bathroom, I had to clean up cat pee. I would take kitschy decor over that ANY day.

    MIL doesn’t seem to know what to do about the problem. I have a solution in mind that comes in a syringe and is relatively quick and painless.

  5. Shelli: I don’t think untitledmother-in-law even sees the ugliness. She just sees how the object might be worth something, and god forbid, how could you part with something that has even a little value?

    witchy: I don’t think she’s trying to push us off — she loves it when we stay. Or maybe that’s all part of the ruse…

    Mel: OMG, 23 years old? That’s friggin’ unreal.

  6. That same cat sat on a chess board and was photographed and pasted onto the face of a clock – also made out of a tree stump – and sent to me by my MIL. I didn’t even PRETEND to put it up on the wall – that piece of crap went straight to Goodwill. I wish I had a picture of it though.

  7. Oh My God. The only thing missing is the vomitrocious-but-ever-dependable framed print of “Dogs Playing Poker”. Or possibly an artfully singed copy of the Bill of Rights mounted onto a stained piece of particle board and then coated with enough shellac that it looks really OLD. The hideosity of such bric-a-brac must be stopped.

  8. I have a friend that used to call MWC items, including those with googly eyes, many dust catching orifices (orifi?), macramed, shellacked and otherwise useless “C.J.” standing for “cunt junk.” Your Cuntry Heart brought me back to the times we’d wander through antique stores and snicker our noses sore at tje CJ stuff (Secretly hoping we’d find something really valuable we could take to the antique road show)

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