Feast your eyes, people. For you are about to embark upon a tour of the Museum of Worthless Curiosities. Housed in untitledmother-in-law’s guest bedroom, the MWC is a one-of-a-kind collection that has been years, if not decades, in the making. A result of crafty 4-H leaders and well-meaning relatives that just had to bring back something from their trip to the World Pork Expo, the MWC features unique artifacts that you’d be hard-pressed to find anywhere else (unless you frequent the Goodwill store or church bazaars, of course).
Our first stop is Sleepy Eye, the droop-eyed owl. He is being punished, you see, for cutting macramé class and smoking too much weed. Now he spends his days hanging from a wall with a nail up his ass. From his perch, he will forever pine for his beloved bong, which he thinks may be stowed under the driver’s seat of his Camaro, right next to his Guns N Roses CD and the remnants of a petrified bean burrito. If he only knew that untitledmother-in-law mistook it for an antique hurricane lamp and placed it on the living room mantle.
Next up is Cat Mandu. This is one pussy that will never go to tuna town, for he has been hermetically preserved through the lost art of decoupage on what appears to be the knotty stump of a young tree. Now don’t get all misty-eyed on me. You and I both know that eventually, he would’ve ended up hacking up hairballs on the new sofa and pooping in the bedroom whenever his litter box was even the least bit soiled. Admit it. He had it coming.
Last on our tour is this calico sculpture-thingy, which we have lovingly dubbed “Cuntry Heart.” This piece was once a fashionable staple of home décor, back in the days when Juice Newton was on the radio and your favorite pair of jeans had a lace-up roller skate on the back pocket. When not on display as wall art, the heart also serves as a makeshift panty hose drying rack or even an auto-erotic asphyxiation device.
That brings our tour of the MWC to an end. These are but a few of the artifacts that comprise the permanent collection. As your curator and docent, I will continue to post the occasional oddities for your review. And yes, in case you’re wondering, the MWC does take donations.