What makes it an untitledthanksgiving? Eating not one, but two, Thanksgiving dinners (which were damn near identical) and taking part in a board game marathon with untitledhusband’s family. My family, you see, doesn’t do games. We’re far too evolved for such frivolities. Instead, we partake in much more advanced cerebral exercises, like watching the USA movie of the week or re-runs of “Little House on the Prairie.” It’s really quite touching when the loved ones you haven’t seen in over a year tell you to hush up, so they can watch Half-Pint lust after Manly.
With untitledhusband’s family, things are quite different. There is an uncomfortable abundance of togetherness. At any given moment, you’ll find me either in the kitchen horking down pound after pound of party mix or sitting ass-to-ass with untitledhusband’s grandma, his brother’s girlfriend of the week and four other people on his mother’s shelled-out sofa. That horrible sofa — it sits so low, I pretty much need a Foley lift to get out of it. But enough of this — you perverts want to hear about the cockring, don’t you? I know you, people.
When I’m not eating or sitting knees-to-ears in the sofa, I play Cranium. On this particular day, all of untitledhusband’s family decided to partake, including not one, but two persons of the cloth. Given how the game unfolded, it was clear that regardless of the fact that God’s army was in the hizzouse, so too was Larry Flynt.
Halfway through the game, I drew a “Cloodle” card (one draws a picture, others guess what it is). But even better, this card was a “Club Cranium,” which means everyone can guess. I flipped the card over and saw that the answer was “body piercing.” This should be easy, right?
Flanked by the two ministers on my left and untitledhusband on my right, I began to draw this (see picture below). Start at the head and work your way down, for that is how the illustration unfolded. First, I drew pierced ears. No guesses. Pierced nose. No guesses. Pierced belly button. No guesses.
In my valiant effort to communicate, I drew what I thought would clinch the victory for teamuntitled — a penis with a hoop in it. Now before you pass judgment, you have to know that I was in the zone. All surroundings and inhibitions had faded away. In that moment, there was nothing but me and my pencil and oh yes, Prince Albert. The usual safety mechanisms that would’ve prevented me from drawing pornography in front of family had taken a back seat to my gaming instincts. In those 15 seconds or so of silence before anyone else could formulate an answer, untitledhusband yells out the first thing that comes to mind. “COCKRING!” That’s right, folks. Cockring.
There was a shudder. A gasp. And the inevitable “cockring, what’s that?” Was I humiliated? Embarrassed? Appalled? Yes, yes and yes. But would I do it again? Fuck yeah. Especially considering that during our next turn, untitledhusband drew a “Cameo” card (aka Charades). The answer? You guessed it — “missionary.” Yes, he did end up assuming the position on the floor. And yes, I was the one who got it right. But what the hell, we won.
Cockrings. Yesss.
I’m trying to get a mental video going of playing that game with EITHER side of my family. Hmmm….nope…nothing but chaos and disaster could come from ANYTHING wherein I mention a body piercing any lower than the earlobes. Despite the fact that I had my own navel pierced seven years ago.
But….I thought that a cockring was actually something else. Not a piercing.
“untitledhusband yells out the first thing that comes to mind. “COCKRING!” That’s right, folks. Cockring.” Eliciting assumptions about what YOU do with a cockring in your marital bed! lol.
fyi, wordgirl, a cockring is probably what you thought it was and it is NOT a piercing. Not that I would know or anything!
Right. Just to clarify, for all you jewelry afficionados out there — a cockring is actually not a piercing, as untitledhusband had shouted out during the heat of the game play.
Your stick man is quite well hung.
I bet they have potpourri-scented cock rings in Japan - they are always coming up with cutting edge inventions over there.
Maybe cutting edge is the wrong adjective to use for cock-related stuff.
Cranium gets really difficult when a) everybody has drunk their share b) they have to hum. Humming while intoxicated is quite difficult, not only to execute but the guessers just start humming theirveryownselves and nothing gets accomplished. Sand runeth out.
This story reminds me of the one and only time I played Scruples. We were living in Oklahoma, the buckle of the nation’s Bible Belt, and socializing with natives who had never been more than 60 miles from where they were born. Nice people, good ole boys and gals, but sheltered. And not game players.
In Scruples, it seems you pick cards with imaginary scenarios and then give an answer as to how you would handle the dilemma presented. Then, if I’m getting this right, the teams present opposing viewpoints, arguing about whether the person would react as they said they would. Well one of the cards someone drew had to do with fidelity, and how much it would matter to you if you discovered photographic evidence of your partner in a sexual act. One sweet, sweet girl was saying that she didn’t think it would matter as long as the photos pre-dated the relationship. To which MY HUSBAND, most conservative man on planet, unexpectedly countered, “But what if the photos showed him engaged in a sex act with a DOG!?” At which point jaws fell. Eyes moved in shock to me, then our cocker spaniel, and then the floor. End of game. We were rendered speechless and had to rely on alcohol to erase the memories.
This is the funniest thing I have read in weeks. Having married into a family of enthusiastic game players (alas, sans clergy), I can completely relate.
This had me chortling with glee at the thought of how the faces around the table looked. Too funny. Oh, to have been a fly on the wall!
My wife’s family plays card games in a casual and friendly fashion.
My family, on the other hand, plays cards in a cutthroat fashion. By cutthroat, I mean with the utmost of seriousness, competitiveness, and aggressiveness. Taunting, betting, and vague threatening are all part of the norm.
The first time my wife was introduced to this, she didn’t realize how vicious it all was. She was my partner, and she sat there making all sorts of jokes and sarcastic comments and such, laughing when she had the jacks to match my aces, and basically just being her jovial self.
We proceeded to run the night without a loss and earned more than a few dirty looks.