What started out as a free sofa from my mother (no, she is not aware that she bought it for us, and yes, I fully intend to invite her down so she can admire her daughter’s good taste) has turned into $2,000 of additional debt on the ol’ MC. And we’re not even done shopping. Fuck. Me.
When we began this undertaking, I vaguely recall saying something like “I’ll just buy a few gallons of paint and some cheap accessories.” Couple hundred dollars max, right? But here’s the thing… at some point during this process, my inner Christopher Lowell decided to fuck my inner Bob Vila. It seems I am now their lovechild, and alls I got to say is this: Don’t get in between me and my paintbrush, bitches. I will CUT you.
Throughout this adventure, I have made one big discovery, and it is this: DryDex Spackling is the bomb diggity. When untitledhusband removed the first screw from our old Sauder computer desk, the bitch fell like a house of cards. Upon removing this singular screw, two of the sharpest, heaviest corners made no haste in impaling our walls. Well thank fucking god for DryDex Spackling. After I pryed untitledhusband out of the corner, where he was rocking back and forth, holding his head and humming the theme to Sanford and Son, I handed him the DryDex.
This stuff helped the usually helpless untitledhusband fix said holes. He is now so empowered, he’s convinced himself that he could build us a bomb shelter with nothing but DryDex and pipecleaners.
Upon declaring his intentions, I said “It’s on. Just leave my good kitchen towels out of it. And don’t even think about using my Henckels cutlery as putty knives.”
To which he replied, “Fuck. Now I have to go back to Home Depot. Wouldn’t it be easier if I just went to Bed Bath and Beyond and got you new knives?”
After a moment of thought, I fired back. “Here I thought that was a nutsack between your legs. I had no idea it was actually a satchel of potpourri.”
Oh, snap.
Can you bear the thought of teabagging a satchel of potpourri?
Few things…
1. I find it hilarious you immediately went to teabagging, Melany.
2. What would it be like?
3. hilarious post. yay for you and yours.
girl, you are DAMN funny! i’m currently un-doing a paint color faux pas on my living room wall. what looks like a lovely warm tomato-soup red during the day morphs into a bordello-from-hell pink as soon as the sun sets. happy painting!
Oh my God- this was hilarious. Love child between Christopher Lowell & Bob Villa made me spit coffee on myself. As did the nut sack of potpurri.
I love it.
I personally expected it of her (Mel), John. That is so her nature…
Untitled, this is pure genius. A piece de resistance. Bent over, stomach-holding guffawing.
Thank God I work from home now - I no longer have to stiffle my snorts!
Thanks for sharing! You’re the Bomb Diggity!
DIY is the new crack. Take it from an addict, just go with it. If you love spackle, try drywalling!!!!!!!!!!!
You’re not supposed to use Henckels knives to spackle the walls?
After spending Thanksgiving alone, your blog just lifted the hell out of my spirits. You have a marvelous sense of humor and your writing is exceptional! Thanks for the laughs.. keep ‘em coming.
sorry to be redundant, but that is fucking hilarious! also…have you noticed that when the sanford and son theme song gets in your head, it won’ leave for days?
A man who avoids a trip to Home Depot? Are you sure it’s even a satchel of potpourri?
i can tell you this much. it doesn’t smell like potpourri.