Swedes, shopping and the Shanghai Shits.

While untitledson was away this weekend, untitledhusband and I tackled the most unholy of chores — painting the living room. Should be a simple task, right? Well christ. It took three days. And right now, I’m out of my mind, due to the manual labor and such, which I so clearly am not cut out for. It may also have something to do with all Goof Off paint remover I’ve been huffing (surely the high point of the weekend). Reading the can, I see it says something about prolonged exposure and brain/nerve damage. Now you tell me.

In an effort to jam-pack our weekend with everything we cannot do when untitledson is here, untitledhusband and I also decided to visit Ikea. We shopped until we lost our religion (which for us, is about four hours), then drove back home. One afternoon in that store, and I would’ve thought nothing of suffocating the random screaming child in a flokati rug.

Our experience has left me enlightened. First, I am in awe of that shopping cart escalator thing (you know, the device that latches onto your shopping cart and heaves it to the next floor as you ride the escalator next to it). Those crazy Swedes. They’ve now officially made up for the wretched Ace of Base.

Secondly, it seems anything tastes good after walking behind a loaded shopping cart for four hours. ANYTHING. In a shopping-induced delirium, untitledhusband and I wolfed down a plateful of Swedish meatballs and declared it the BEST FOOD EVER. I had wanted to eat at Panda Express a few hours earlier, but decided to forego, lest I get a debilitating case of the Shanghai Shits. Might as well have enjoyed the sesame chicken, because the Subway I opted for ended up giving me the squirts. Yes, Subway. Given that their food is fresh and all, I can only surmise that my Sandwich Artist must’ve wiped his ass with my Italian roll.

As you can tell by the photo, we took in quite the kill. Now, to assemble it all. I must admit that I feel a bit overwhelmed, in a minimalist chic sort of way.

Ikea Kill

15 thoughts on “Swedes, shopping and the Shanghai Shits.”

  1. I predict we’ll run into each other in the next few years at an Ikea support group meeting. “Hello, my name is Mike and I like to buy cool things with funny swedish names while woofing down meatballs and chugging Lingonberry cider”

  2. Last time my husband (Mike) and I visited IKEA, we noticed all of the funny Swedish names on all of the items they sell. At one point my brother-in-law said, “Hey guys, look at this one! It’s like some really cool Euro-rapper or something…..Farty-G.” No kidding, there was an item in the lighting department named, “Farty-G”. Now, that’s just too damned funny. Do you think the Swedes are yanking our chains? Or maybe the word “Farty” in Swedish really means, “burning bright” or “hot light” or “stupid Americans”.

  3. Although for years I have desperately wanted to leave behind my darling daughter and husband to mount my Mini Cooper, crank up Frank Sinatra and gleefully travel to Pittsburgh and spend hours of careless abandon shopping and shopping and shopping, I have never been to Ikea.

    After reading this post, I bow my head and pray to the God of Shopping Restraint. “Please God of Shopping Restraint,” I whisper, “don’t fail me now.”

  4. Is it just me, or does “All That She Wants” and “I See the Sign” sound identical?

    Speaking of Lingoberries, the Lingoberry crepes at IHOP are so delectable, they make me want to run into the corner of a room and touch myself.

  5. I never KNEW IHOP could induce a Meg-Ryan-in-the-Diner-Scene-of-When-Harry- Met-Sally type of experience. (Everyone have a hyphen. They’re on me. It’s Monday!)

    The farty lamp reminded me of a restaurant in F’burg, Va., called the Fukien Gourmet. (Best fuckin food in F’burg, y’all.)

    Every day I wrestle with Dutch words. My college linguistics classes really make me wonder about a language that is so fond of double vowels, random “J”s and words with at least twelve letters. Put untitled son on the keyboard and he’d probably type in Dutch without trying. A genius, that boy. : )

    Happy Assembling!

    V-Grrrl

  6. I love IKEA. I plan yearly if not multi-yearly trips to visit my home away from home at IKEA. If IKEA came to my city I would probably fill with joy and and die. Congrats on your fabulous purchases and your weekend away from untitledson.

  7. My favorite IKEA product is flygel…a lamp with a great name. Every time we are there, the BF asks “Are we out of flygel?” Always good for a perfunctory laugh.

    My only problem with Ikea is the kids. Why, why must you people persist in bringing tiny, easily overwhelmed, badly-behaved-to-start-with kids to Ikea on a freaking Saturday afternoon? It is a bad idea for everyone involved – kids, parents, and innocent bystanders who had, up until that point, had intact eardrums.

  8. Just followed a dooce link here and I like what I see. We spent the weekend in a very like-minded way. Had a babysitter and Ikeaed our brains out. It’s amazing how on any given Saturday people all over the world are stuffing their car full of flat-packed furniture praying for the bungee chords to hold.
    Props from Luxembourg

  9. What we got at Ikea — an Effectiv desk unit and filing cabinet, a couple light fixtures, a miniature table and chairs for untitledson, and of course, the requisite sampler of Swedish chocolates. And yes — all are still in their boxes (except for the chocolate, that is). We haven’t the energy to put the damn things together.

  10. I must tell the truth– I AM SOO JEALOUS!!!! Ever since i have moved to this ikea forsaken state of colorado i have ikea withdrawls all the time— I mean really the happiest day of my life was when IKEA in Emeryville, CA opened — i was so excited i even went one week to early for the grand opening — now dammit thats dedicationa nd loyalty and they shoulda let me in. But we moved here dec 2003 and there is no ikea!! the closes is somewhere in texas i believe — or back to california — I have tried IKEA.com but the stuff i fill my house with they do not sell on the internet — all the stuff from the market place. So let me tell you when i was back in cali visiting friends last march i made a day trip — i told all my friends – ” i will not be seeing or taking calls from anyone on tuesday if you wish to speak at me or see me then you will come with” But seriously i was only willing to take one friend otherwise there would not be enough room in the car to get all my stuff back to where i was staying. I bought $250 worth of stuff and mind you nonw of it was furniture because i flew– how the hell would i get that home– as i was my best friend- bless her heart– worked in the shipping department of her company and was able to ship my 6 boxes totalling 85 pounds to my house in colorado!!!! Next summer I am spening 5 weeks in france on a study abroad program and I am currently trying to figure out how I will be able to get to Sweden to the original Store!!!! Now i know I am crazy — and do you think in the restaurant in that store are they just meatballs?

  11. Oh my god – I LOVE IKEA!

    I think there are two entire posts on my blog dedicated to my love for ikea (that’s a lot about one topic for me!).

    In the ikea where i live (i decided not to correct my grammar just then, because i really COULD live there) they have a giant play-pen type thing with a giant ball-pit and babysitters to watch the screaming children! (from ages 2-8), they also have a movie room, for kids from 8-13 to hang out in while their parents shop there.

    Although, my memory of being in the movie room, is kind of like being brain-washed because i have a recolection of them playing ikea ads throughout the movie. Either way, it worked because now that i’m a “grown-up” I ADORE the place.

  12. IKEA is such a good shop. I have one here in Sweden only 40 km away but I don’t visit it much. Its dangerous to visit because one want to buy soo much. Luckily for me we don’t have any “exotic” food here because it’s the usual swedish meals like our meatballs.

    Hmm – that Farty-G thing I must explain doesn’t mean anything in Swedish as far as I know. They do sometimes have weird names 🙂 However – flygel means “grand piano” in english… Um – thats weird 🙂

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