untitledlife

What makes it an untitledthanksgiving? Eating not one, but two, Thanksgiving dinners (which were damn near identical) and taking part in a board game marathon with untitledhusband’s family. My family, you see, doesn’t do games. We’re far too evolved for such frivolities. Instead, we partake in much more advanced cerebral exercises, like watching the USA movie of the week or re-runs of “Little House on the Prairie.” It’s really quite touching when the loved ones you haven’t seen in over a year tell you to hush up, so they can watch Half-Pint lust after Manly.

With untitledhusband’s family, things are quite different. There is an uncomfortable abundance of togetherness. At any given moment, you’ll find me either in the kitchen horking down pound after pound of party mix or sitting ass-to-ass with untitledhusband’s grandma, his brother’s girlfriend of the week and four other people on his mother’s shelled-out sofa. That horrible sofa — it sits so low, I pretty much need a Foley lift to get out of it. But enough of this — you perverts want to hear about the cockring, don’t you? I know you, people.

When I’m not eating or sitting knees-to-ears in the sofa, I play Cranium. On this particular day, all of untitledhusband’s family decided to partake, including not one, but two persons of the cloth. Given how the game unfolded, it was clear that regardless of the fact that God’s army was in the hizzouse, so too was Larry Flynt.

Halfway through the game, I drew a “Cloodle” card (one draws a picture, others guess what it is). But even better, this card was a “Club Cranium,” which means everyone can guess. I flipped the card over and saw that the answer was “body piercing.” This should be easy, right?

Flanked by the two ministers on my left and untitledhusband on my right, I began to draw this (see picture below). Start at the head and work your way down, for that is how the illustration unfolded. First, I drew pierced ears. No guesses. Pierced nose. No guesses. Pierced belly button. No guesses.

In my valiant effort to communicate, I drew what I thought would clinch the victory for teamuntitled — a penis with a hoop in it. Now before you pass judgment, you have to know that I was in the zone. All surroundings and inhibitions had faded away. In that moment, there was nothing but me and my pencil and oh yes, Prince Albert. The usual safety mechanisms that would’ve prevented me from drawing pornography in front of family had taken a back seat to my gaming instincts. In those 15 seconds or so of silence before anyone else could formulate an answer, untitledhusband yells out the first thing that comes to mind. “COCKRING!” That’s right, folks. Cockring.

There was a shudder. A gasp. And the inevitable “cockring, what’s that?” Was I humiliated? Embarrassed? Appalled? Yes, yes and yes. But would I do it again? Fuck yeah. Especially considering that during our next turn, untitledhusband drew a “Cameo” card (aka Charades). The answer? You guessed it — “missionary.” Yes, he did end up assuming the position on the floor. And yes, I was the one who got it right. But what the hell, we won.