2005 October Archive at untitledlife

Archive for October, 2005 Page 4 of 4

The definition of bravado.

Published

on October 4, 2005

. 7 Comments

Went out to lunch with co-workers Friday. On the way there, I saw a white Geo Prizm, at least 10 years old, with SPINNERS. This thing was stopped at a light, and the rims were a-blazin’. In the driver’s seat was a 20-something white male, his seat jacked all the way back. He pretty much needed a yardstick duct-taped to the steering wheel in order to make a 90-degree turn. But I guess he wanted to be prepared in case he needed to unleash the Courvoisier stashed in the Little Playmate in the backseat.

I imagine the conversation this guy had with himself at Auto Zone when he was making his purchasing decision. “If I put the spins on, my ride will be pimped, fo shizzle. But daaaamn. They cost more than my car! It’ll take me, like, three months to make this kind of coin at Long John Silvers. But no doubt, I am a playa. True dat. Because this is how we roll, homies. This is how we roll.”

I have got to get myself a camera phone for these Kodak moments. I will regret this for the rest of my life, not capturing this for y’all.

Golden child.

Published

untitled

on October 3, 2005

in Life and Rants

. 2 Comments

I admit it. I go to the tanning bed. Not all the time, mind you. Just 15 minutes, once a week. I’m not there to get all George Hamilton on your ass. I’m just there to keep my acne at bay, and to put a wash of color over my pasty Nordic skin. You know you’ve spent a few too many weekends in front of a glowing computer screen when your perfect shade of foundation is called “Kabuki.”

Before I started tanning, I was all self-conscious about it. I thought I’d be a pariah in there, rifling through the Cosmos in search of the sole copy of Good Housekeeping, waiting until bed 14 opened up. But as it turns out, all you muthafuckas out there are tanning. How come you never said anything! Jeez.

Your co-worker who comes in on Monday with rosy cheeks and impossibly tan forearms? Tanning bed. The guy who says he golfed all weekend? Fake bake. The admin who claims she has naturally golden skin (along with naturally platinum blonde hair)? UVB whore. Look for the telltale “reverse racoon” — white circles around the eyes, while everything else is dark. It’s a dead giveaway.

I mean, rarely do I see a 20-something hardbody there. It’s all these geriatrics, like me. What a mindfuck! I can’t tell you how many times I’d see these other people, all bronzed out, and wonder what they hell they were doing all weekend while I was getting down with the Scrubbing Bubbles. Surely, they must be laying in the sun somewhere, soaking up rays and margaritas all weekend.

Well, now I, too, am part of the golden sorority. Our mascot — an lifesized bottle of tanning accellerator wearing purple eye goggles (strapless, of course). Whenever he enters a room, the song “Kokomo” starts playing and coconut-scented air freshener jizzes out his cap. So do I break the code of silence? Hell no. People, I am too busy lying in the sun all day. Starting a revolution, that would be, like, too Che Guevara for a woman of leisure like myself.