untitledeye: Sticker shock.

Free Tibet Bumper Sticker on Lexus SUV

OK, this just strikes me as wrong. While I believe that everyone has a right to an opinion, and that there very well may be a few rich fucks out there who have ascended to filthy stinking richness with hearts intact, I also believe that when you choose to emblazon your vehicle with a bumper sticker like this, you need to be aware of the rules.

Of which rules do I speak? Why, the Universal Rules of Bumper Stickers, of course. The URBS. Almost always unwritten, and usually unspoken, the URBS are pretty much understood by most drivers of reasonable IQ. These are the same rules that state Hummer drivers have no bizness slapping an American flag on their rear window. Likewise, they go on to explain the 10 shades of wrong at play when a 1989 Aerostar minivan, complete with a coat hanger for an antenna and honest-to-goodness Fred Flintstone floorboard action, sports a “Bush/Cheney ’04” sticker.

Bush/Cheney 04 on Ford Aerostar Minivan

So, if you have the plums to display a “Free Tibet” bumper sticker and you’re not driving a 1982 Volvo, at least make sure:

1. Your vehicle is at least more than a year old.

2. Your vehicle absolutely, positively is not a LEXUS FUCKING SUV.

If you truly understood what was going on in Tibet, you would feel like an ass, driving around in your earthfucker. Somewhere in the mountains of Tibet, monks are being massacred. Innocent children are being abducted. Prisoners are being tortured. But hey, at least you got your woodgrain cupholders and vibrating leather seats with ergonomic crotch massage action, the parts of which were undoubtedly manufactured in China (the country from which Tibet needs to be freed).

Now, I love my SUV as much as the next person. But you don’t see me polluting it with fashionable political statements. I bought my vehicle in 2000, when the only hybrids available looked less like a car and more like the Millenium Falcon. And believe me, the next vehicle I buy will be a hybrid. But until then, I will keep my gas-guzzling tail between my legs and my vehicle sticker-free until I’ve earned the right to butter it up fender to fender, and roll the muthafucka entirely in granola.

12 thoughts on “untitledeye: Sticker shock.”

  1. I have a 2001 subaru forester (and no I’m not a lesbian, though I dress like one). Do you have any approved stickers for my car? So far I am sticker free, but I do have one on the fridge that I got at a peace rally that says “God Bless the whole world.”

  2. Subaru Forester. I do believe you have carte blanche to display just about any sticker you want. Although you might want to save your Indigo Girls sticker for your other vehicle.

  3. I’m okay with anybody showing anything on whatever they want. As long as they use their blinker, they could be eating babies, and I’d be comfortable with it.

    The blinker takes a total of .03 seconds to use. If you don’t use it, Baby Jesus will cry and fall from heaven. Just an FYI.

  4. My husband is a sticker snob. After we were married he spent hours removing the stickers I had on my Jetta (RATM, The Dead and various other bands). A few months ago he informed me that he was putting a sticker on each of our cars. I’m thinking of all the cool stickers he might be considering (Soul Coughing, Dave Matthews, Luna, David Bowie….) and I’m getting all excited. Alas, my dreams of band stickers were squashed when I walked out and saw the Apple stickers – placed with OCD perfection (I promise he must have used rulers and levels) in the bottom center of our rear windows.
    Rock on Steve Jobs, rock on!

  5. John’s post made me laugh way out loud! Blinkers are the answer to just about all of our problems 🙂

    I used to have a sticker on my old Red VW that said, “Die Yuppie Scum”. I was most proud of that 🙂

  6. I just surfed in and have started back at the beginning, so my comments may be a little belated, but I’m catching up.

    The most contradictory bumper sticker I ever saw, in blatant disregard of the URBS, had less to do with the model of the car than the condition. The car was spewing more smoke than Mount St. Helens, and somehow, between spews, I managed to read the bumper sticker the smoke had previously hidden:

    GREENPEACE

    Try riding behind that and not running off the road in hysterical laughter.

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