As parents, do you ever have those moments where you say, “Who IS this child?”
The three of us (untitledhusband, untitledson and myself) were over at a friend’s house for dinner last night. Three couples, and we were the only ones with child. Our normally well-behaved two year-old ran around their house for three hours nonstop like a tweaking raver, coming up for air only when we could distract him with “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” (which we had looping on my laptop).
When he wasn’t hunting down the hosts’ dogs like a starved puma, he was pilfering Cheetos (and then rubbing his atomic orange fingers over everything in site). When he wasn’t inhaling cookies, he was perched atop either of our heads like a psychotic parrot. Polly want a Vicodin? You bet your sweet ass he does.
Beat up and beat down, we left their house feeling like we’d just been through the shit. I recall that episode of “Saturday Night Live” where Mike Myers played a hyperactive child harnessed to the monkey bars. I used to find that whole harness thing funny. Now I’m like, OK, that’s fucking brilliant.
But this is what parents of preschoolers do. In our search for ways to eek out a tiny corner of sanity, we dance that fine line between achieving household harmony and inciting a visit from social services. In the time left over, we work diligently to erase all traces of any previous thoughts containing the phrase, “If that were MY child…”
If that were MY child….
He would have done all of the above and then in a last ditch effort to expel the masses of excess energy he has stored in his tiny body, he’d have started running in circles and ended with a “BANG” against a wall, sharp corner or the floor.
Forget, “Polly want a vicodin?” Let’s try, “Mommy want a vcodin?” To which mommy replies, “What’s this ‘a’ shit?! Give me a handful - no - give me the entire bottle and we’ve got a deal!”
Kids… the most expensive form of entertainment we’ll ever find!
If Mommy and Daddy have enough Vicodin the childs actions melt away into the background. Sometimes they even become humorous.
where can i get one of those harnesses?
at least you can blame it on the terrible twos. my hercules is six, so that excuse doesn’t work anymore.
thank you for on our FIRST day of insemination making me doubt our decision!
ok, well a small part of me is thinking, oh, that’s so cute! …as long it’s not my child.
Every child has those times, mortifying as they can be. It’s actually a great way to discover who your friends really are.
And Vicodin makes me sick to my stomach. I’d go for the straight booze instead.
Very well written. My son is almost four and he’s still going through this too. I try to blame it all on the daycare he used to go to. Prior to handing him over at about 16 months he was an angel. Once we began keeping him home full time, many times I wondered where my real son was. And I was definately one of those “not my child” stupid fuckers.
I’ve been experimenting with my son with certain foods and his behavior. I know if that kid gets sugary stuff, within 5-10 minutes he becomes the antichrist. And, I cut off the juice drinking at noon. This kid used to LOVE water until daycare turned him into a juice fiend.
My husband’s Dad had to be restrained as a small boy to a leash in their back yard. I used to think that was insane, but I totally get it now.
Forget the vicodin. Fly to England and get over-the-counter Tylenol With Codeine. Then you lay back on the couch and watch the pretty sunflowers blossom on the ceiling!
I’d put the pills in an innocent looking Advil receptacle for the return trip, by the way.
I remember that skit! My brother was a kid that had a harness. Nobody understood why until they spent some time with him. And P.S. I’m fairly certain my parents would still like to put one on him, even though he’s 23. Bets lines of the skit?
Nicole Kidman: “My mother says that harnesses are cruel”.
Mike Myers: “My mother says that they’re necessary.”
I always thought Little Tykes could make a killing with a primary-colored device called “My Lil’Stocks.” Every backyard should have one! And for indoor use they could market “My Lil Ball and Chain”!
V-Grrrl