The last time I was at my mom’s house, I stumbled across something quite disturbing in her bedside table. No, it wasn’t one of her many trashy romance novels adorned with bosomy damsels and bare-chested rogue pirates. It was, of all things, a tube of KY Jelly. Worse yet, it was half-used.
I have always assumed that my sixty-something mother was an asexual creature. Afterall, she wasted no time in exiling my dad to the upstairs guest bedroom as soon as my brother and I left home.
I mean, what use could she possibly have for said motion lotion? Christ, I didn’t even think she knew what KY was. I mean, if she ever saw it in my house (one of my all-time fears, by the way), she’d waste no time in spreading it on toast. She’d croak, “Whatever this is, it doesn’t hold a candle to Smucker’s.”
Dr. Phil always says the best way to overcome your fears is to face them head on. So here goes — a listing of what she might have been using that KY for (and yes, feel free post your ideas, too):
- A non-staining cold cream to ward off pesky wrinkles
- A never-ending tube of Chapstick
- A fragrance-free hairsetting lotion (so as to not cover up her beloved J.Lo perfume)
- A handy, yet ineffective refill fuel for her Tropical Breeze-scented Glade plug-in
- A high-gloss polish for her rosary beads
I’m probably going to hell for that last one. But if I need any help squeezing through the fiery gates, I’ll know who to ask for help.