K why?

The last time I was at my mom’s house, I stumbled across something quite disturbing in her bedside table. No, it wasn’t one of her many trashy romance novels adorned with bosomy damsels and bare-chested rogue pirates. It was, of all things, a tube of KY Jelly. Worse yet, it was half-used.

I have always assumed that my sixty-something mother was an asexual creature. Afterall, she wasted no time in exiling my dad to the upstairs guest bedroom as soon as my brother and I left home.

I mean, what use could she possibly have for said motion lotion? Christ, I didn’t even think she knew what KY was. I mean, if she ever saw it in my house (one of my all-time fears, by the way), she’d waste no time in spreading it on toast. She’d croak, “Whatever this is, it doesn’t hold a candle to Smucker’s.”

Dr. Phil always says the best way to overcome your fears is to face them head on. So here goes — a listing of what she might have been using that KY for (and yes, feel free post your ideas, too):

  • A non-staining cold cream to ward off pesky wrinkles
  • A never-ending tube of Chapstick
  • A fragrance-free hairsetting lotion (so as to not cover up her beloved J.Lo perfume)
  • A handy, yet ineffective refill fuel for her Tropical Breeze-scented Glade plug-in
  • A high-gloss polish for her rosary beads

I’m probably going to hell for that last one. But if I need any help squeezing through the fiery gates, I’ll know who to ask for help.

11 thoughts on “K why?”

  1. I’ve been sitting here for ten minutes trying to come up with something plausable. I’m drawing a blank on this one. She just may be gettin’ on with dear ol’ pop!

  2. Oh, this is all so WRONG! I don’t even want to think about someone ELSE’S mother in that way. It was clearly to smear on the mirror to create a “soft-focus”effect for when she wanted to look like a 1940’s movie star. That’s all.

  3. Pomade? Or maybe instead of licking her fingers to turn the pages of her smutty novels, she wets them with jelly.

    Lisa, you’re right. This is very disturbing.

  4. Untitled thought of the day. What if dad was using it? With the trashy romance novels? In mom’s room?

    Ooh. I’m going to hell for this one….


  5. OK. You know I hate Dr. Phil with every ounce of my being, but I’ll admit it. He has a point. So, I’m gonna go there.

    If you’re at work or you have children looking over your shoulder, AVOID CLICKING ON THE FOLLOWING LINKS.

    Consider yourself warned. Continue at your own risk!

    If you’d have checked between the mattresses, I suspect you’d have found something close to this. Or, possibly this. Let’s just hope you wouldn’t have found this (although, evidence does suggest otherwise).

    This is explains a lot, actually:

    1) Why she banished your Dad to the upstairs bedroom all those years ago.
    2) Why she has chronic sleep problems. She’s not exactly a princess and those aren’t exactly peas.
    3) And, finally, it might explain this whole deal.

    Don’t worry. I’m not going to pass go. I’m not going to collect $200. I’m going directly to hell.

  6. Obviously she needed it to lube the squeeky drawer or the creaking door hinge. We all know that our parents have never had sex.

  7. one time the doctor told me to use k-y to alleviate the dryness of my nasal passages. maybe she had some serious sinus probs. it could happen…

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