In watching W’s pathetic “Too Little, Too Late” address the nation last night, I kept wondering WWBD (What Would Bill Do)? Blow jobs and cigars aside, Saint Clinton could lead himself a country. Tell me you don’t miss him. TELL ME.
When Bill was at the helm, we were safe. We were cared for. And Bill would never have let what happened happen. Bill would’ve had a plan. His action would’ve been swift, complete and without hesitation. I imagine the highlights would’ve played out like this:
On the weekend before the storm, Bill would lead dozens of Winnebagos around the city, in an effort called “Katrina Karavan.” Perched atop the lead vehicle in a lawn chair and a megaphone, he’d lure holdouts out of the city with free rides, free BBQ and a video loop of “Girls Gone Wild.”
One day after the storm, he’d sic a machete-wielding Janet Reno on the asses of anyone hauling electronic equipment out of stores.
Two days after the storm, Bill would address the country live from the French Quarter. Backed by a brass band, he’d bust out his sax ax for a jazzy rendition of “When the Saints Go Marching In.” Within the hour, the MP3 would be posted on iTunes, with all proceeds going towards hurricane relief.
Four weeks after the storm, he’d dissuade returning residents from drinking the tap water with an educational media campaign called “Since the water’s not clear, let’s have a beer.”
All things being said, we’ve got ourselves a serious situation down south. How sad that it took our President three weeks to figure that out.