Brown-eyed girl.

My mother has got me thinking about bungholes. She is in her mid 60’s, and let’s just say her unholy hole has seen better days.

She ties her shoes and she farts. Phhht. She sneezes and she farts. Phhht. She walks across the room and farts. Phhht phhht phhht phhht phhht. And she doesn’t even bother to call it. Even if she didn’t hear it, I would think that she certainly she felt it. Or smelt it.

I may be mortified, but I am not surprised. It makes sense that by this age, one’s sphincter would experience some slippage. I mean, imagine the waistband on your oldest pair of underwear. I suspect that’s what happens to one’s blowhole after pushing out 21,600 poops over the course of 60 odd years.

My husband and I made the mistake of sharing a hotel room with her when we attended my cousin’s wedding. While sleeping, she farted about every 30 seconds – no exaggeration. At first, my husband and I laughed. The kind of silent, lip-biting laugh in which your body just shakes. But as the stench descended upon us like a heavy, toxic fog, it became less amusing. When she woke up the next morning, she asked, “Did I snore?” My husband replied under his breath, “Yes. Out of your ASS.”

Don’t get me wrong. I got no hateration for those cursed with being loose of ass. I laugh out of fear, for there’s always the possibility that on my 60th birthday, I will wake up to discover that I have inheirited not two brown eyes, but three, from Rumbles herself.

8 thoughts on “Brown-eyed girl.”

  1. OMG, I thought Garrison Keillor was the master of writing humorous descriptions of farts. I WAS WRONG!

    FYI–I’ve seen travel catalogs that sell carbon filters to stick in your pants while riding in planes so you don’t smoke out your seatmate or cause the oxygen masks to drop due to a faulty sphincter and a fondness for Mexican food. This would be the perfect Christmas gift for Mom!


  2. This is so unfair! I want to comment on all your posts, but that seems greedy.

    I have to go here though, because my dear old Nana used to wander up and down her hallway doing this while the cousins and my brothers and me engaged in exactly the same silent laughter. Not quite so easily managed later, when bringing the fiance around to meet her for the first time – but, as it turned out, I should have known the measure of a man is whether he can laugh at a good fart joke, shouldn’t I?

  3. Can’t. stop. laughing. Have read this entry at least five times and each time, more mascara cascades down my face. My own mother is also a victim of the loose ass, but every time she lets ‘er rip, she lights a candle for about ten seconds. WTF? She thinks this does something about the stink, but it’s more like throwing a little birthday party for said fart.

  4. wtf my grandam DOES THE SAME THING!!! she just lets the fart drop off her bum! too much healthy food for her! its like =0 did you do that?! she doesn’t even say any thing! she will be walkin down the hall and let one rip sooooo disgusting!

  5. Oh my God! Thank you for the much needed laugh tonight.
    Also, thanks to your wonderful comment section, your posters have me laughing just as hard at their hilarious accounts!

    Great blog!

  6. Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou! The tears are now drying on my lower eyelids – hilarious stuff.
    Reminds me of days gone by when mother-in-law used to blow off and I always said this was her defrosting her knickers.
    Now expect the rest of my family to read your blog – terrific!

  7. Norm, you’re very welcome. Thank you for letting me know you enjoyed the read — it makes my day when I hear that someone enjoys what I write. It’s why I do it.

    And thanks, too, for passing my site onto your family!

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