Gherkin jerks.

I have a theory. A hypothesis, if you will. Formed yesterday during my drive home from The Evil Empire. And this is it: The size of a person’s penis is inversely proportional to the size of their SUV. Note that I didn’t say “car.” This little rule only applies to SUV’s (and OK, maybe trucks). In fact, with sports cars, the exact opposite is true (the smaller the car, the smaller the penis). And also note that I didn’t say “man.” I think we’ve all met a few women who have got to be packing heat.

What proof do I have of my belief? Well, none. I’m going on instinct here, people. I mean, what possible purpose does an earth-fucking Hummer serve, other that to help the driver to overcompensate for the baby gherkin you know he’s jerkin’? Now, am I worried that I’ll alienate a whole population of men with my unscientific observations? Hardly. These are the same guys who can’t pry themselves away from their online fantasy football leagues long enough to attend company meetings or update their timesheets.

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