As part of the hiring rigamaroll for the Evil Empire, I had to take a drug test. So I get to the hospital lab, and they send me into this sterile little turlet room to do the deed. Strangely enough, there was this funny contraption on the toilet, which looked like scaffolding to help the light-headed stand up after they’ve taken a massive crap.
Anyways… the way this thing was set up, it made it virtually impossible to spread your legs wide enough to place the cup in the pee stream. Using all the ingenooity I could muster, I decided it would be best if I hoisted one foot atop the toilet seat, placing the cup underneath me to catch the liquid gold. For a split second, I thought, “Girl, you really should remove the pants from your ankles for this one.” But I threw caution to the wind and let ‘er rip.
First the pee came from the front, then it snaked its way to the back. Imagine, if you will, an oscillating yard sprinkler with a few plugged nozzles. Before all was said and done, I had a full-on pee-a-palooza going on. Keeping up with it was like playing a shell game. I could’ve stopped mid-stream and removed my pants, but I had committed myself to this pants-on strategy, and I’d be damned to give it up now.
Eventually, I filled my cup and looked down. Good lord. There were pee spots the size of dinner plates on my pants (one near the crotch, one near the knee, and one near the waist). How in hell was I going to get out of THIS one?
Well, I sopped up what I could with paper hand towels and sheepishly left the bathroom, hoping no one would notice. After all, this was a hospital. For all people knew, I was an unfortunate young woman with no bladder, dependent on my catheter, which just so happened to come unplugged and leak a bit today, thank you very much.
I turned in my pee cup to the urine gestapo, and high-tailed it through the hospital, my wet khaki’s making that whirring sound you only hear when ample-thighed people wear cordoroy pants (I can say this because I AM one of those ample-thighed people).
I managed to make it to my car without anyone stopping me to say, “Miss, I think you done MESSED yourself.” I was kind of hoping someone would, so I could reply, “Oh, not again. Here, hold my purse while I remove my pants.”