Ode to Spearmint Ice Breakers.

Whatever happened to spearmint Ice Breakers? Once a staple on the candy shelf, they now seem to be gone. Undoubtedly kidnapped by a band of unscrupulous bad-breathed thieves in the night (or some marketing wonks hell-bent on getting me to buy the spearmint Ice Breakers container that also has the ass-y Ice Breakers gum in it) . Blech.

Judging by the store shelves, spearmint has been replaced by its lesser cousins — wintergreen and peppermint. Spearmint, as we all know, is the king of mints. Pure old school refreshment. Wintergreen is grandpa’s mint (the stale ones he passed out to you whenever you came to visit), and peppermint is, well, plain old poopy pepppermint. If there is room on the candy shelf for ginger-flavored Ass-toids, for God’s sake, there is a place for my spearmint Ice Breakers.

Just to twist the dagger even more, Hershey’s (the maker of Ice Breakers) has put the wintergreen mints in the same green-colored hockey puck container that used to house the spearmint Ice Breakers. C’mon people. We all know that green is reserved for spearmint. Wintergreen has more of an aqua hue.

Perhaps spearmint Ice Breakers still exist somewhere. Maybe Wal-Mart has simply put a ban on them, just like it did with with that subversive Sheryl Crow CD and Jon Stewart’s book. Maybe my beloved green tins of minty goodness are in hiding, alongside Salman Rushdie and Jimmy Hoffa. All I know is they’re not on my desk right now, and that is a damn shame.

So if you happen to have a tin of Ice Breakers in your possession, grab it now. Raise it above your head and SHAKE IT. Perhaps our lost spearmint comrades will hear it and find their way home.