A bitter pill.

The things we do for money.

Today I went back to my previous employer (which I affectionately will call the Evil Empire) and asked for my old job back. What would prompt me to commit such a heinous act? After all, I quit two years ago, in a pissed off huff over meaningless weekly meetings, mindless Excel spreadsheets, having to use a security badge to go to the bathroom, and just corporate bullshit in general. I JUST COULDN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. And here I am, two years later, bending over once again.

What could possibly bring me back, tail placed squarely between my legs, to the Evil Empire? Money. Benefits. And the fact that the place is so big, I can leave mid-afternoon for an hour or two, and nobody will notice. You don’t read about THAT perk in the benefits booklet, now do you?

Well, the interview went fine. It was a bit awkward, though. As I saw all the familiar faces, I could see the question scrolling by on their foreheads, much like a Wall Street stock ticker: “Soooo. What brings YOU back HERE?” I wanted to say, “OK, this place sucks dong. You know it. And I know it. And my current job — it too sucks dong. But I’d much rather be at a dong-sucking organization that pays well and gives me good bennies.”

You see, I’ve finally reached that critical point in my life (and it took me almost 10 years to reach this place) where I’ve realized that I will hate all jobs, except for the one that lets me stay at home, eating bon bons and watching the Doodlebops with my son. But, to maintain our current lifestyle (i.e. paying our mortgage, eating, etc.), I must work. And if I am going to do so, I expect to be paid well for doing so. For all this, I will take it up the rear.

Am I the only person making this trade-off? Or does everyone just not talk about it?

As part of my application, I inflated my current salary by about, oh, $10,000. That’s because I expect at least a $12-15,000 increase to go back to Dilbertville. Right now, they’re either filling their pants or tossing my application in the circular file.

One good thing is the fact that the Evil Empire will provide much blogging fodder. Countless tales of corporate woe and humiliation, which I will gladly document.

Someone pass the soap.

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